UPJOKE

Hear Me Jokes

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Alright so hear me out, if the big bang was 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created nor destroyed, and all our bodies are made of matter, that mean we're all 13.8 billion years old...

so in conclusion yes officer she was old enough.

Hear me out!!

Is it wierd how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how wierd it is?

"I want you to stop answering everything I say with two adjectives. Do you hear me?!" asked my wife.

"Loud and clear," I replied.

You’ll hear me yodel’n

Papa heads in to take a shower and yells to his wife, “Ima head’n in to take a shower.
You’ll hear me yodel’n.
If I stop yodel’n, come in and fetch me out as I’ve either fallen or fallen asleep”
“But Papa, mama cries,
“how’ll we know if you’re just in there fiddle’n yaself?”
Papa re...

What to hear me make a joke about the University of Connecticut?

Well… actually… I can’t. But maybe UConn.

The copier says to the paper "Can you hear me?"

The paper replies, "Copy that."

**From my eight year old daughter who WON'T SLEEP

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear me out, Hitler wasn't such a bad guy...

I mean, he killed Hitler after all!

Anyone want to hear me make an Ikea joke?

Sorry, you'll have to make it yourself.

These pieces of corn can't hear me,

but they're all ears.

Woman: I am woman, hear me roar.

Man: I am man, watch me pee outside.

Do you want to hear me count from one to one hundred?

One... Two... One Hundred!

My four year old just made this up as I was putting him to bed. I know it's a terrible pun... takes after his old man, I suppose!

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

The priest angrily asks the altar boy standing two meters away,

"Are you secretly drinking the holy wine?"

The altar boy remains silent. The priest's anger grows.
"I'm asking you! Can't you hear me?"

"No, I can't hear anything from here, Father."

"What do you mean? You're just two steps away and you can't hear me?"

The altar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I apologised to my girlfriend during sex for slipping it in the wrong hole

But of course she couldn't hear me with my dick in her ear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Asked My Wife For The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”

She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a ...

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

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