UPJOKE

Heading Out Jokes

My wife and I were heading out for our date night.

The babysitter smiled and said, "you don't need to rush home, take as long as you want!"

That was 2 years ago. I hope she likes being a mom.

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What does a stripper do with her asshole before heading out to her shift?

A: Drops him off at band practice.

A father’s three daughters were heading out of the house to go on dates

The first daughter said, “I’m going out with Joe, and we’re gonna see a show”

The father said, “A fine fella! Have fun my dear”

The second daughter said, “I’m going out with Pete, and we’re gonna grab a bite to eat”

“Sounds wonderful! Have fun my dear”

The third daughter ...

The blonde was heading out to the grocery store...

...when her roommate said, "Hey, buy a quart of orange juice. And if they have eggs, get a dozen."

Half an hour later the blonde came in the door carrying four cartons of juice. "There's eight more in the car," she said.

"Why in the world did you buy 12 quarts??" asked her roommate.<...

Billy and Mary are heading out on a date...

It's the mid-50's and Billy is headed to pick up his date, Mary. Mary's father answers the door and invites him in since she's not quite ready yet.

He asks what they're planning for their date and Billy tells him that they'll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie.

Mary's fat...

A programmer is heading out to the grocery store.

His wife tells him "get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." He returns with 13 gallons of milk.

What did the vulture say when his wife wanted to fix him something to eat before heading out?

I'll just pick something up on the road.

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cops, a man and a woman were heading out for a day's work, walking the beat with a police dog at their side...

A few blocks away from the station, the woman suddenly stops. "Dammit! I was in such a hurry to get ready, I forgot my panties back at the station. We have to go back."

"No we don't," the male cop says. "Old Ralphy here is specially trained at evidence retrieval. Just let him sniff your crotc...

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