UPJOKE

Having Kid Jokes

I got a vasectomy to stop having kids…

And the damn toddler was still at home when I got back!

A woman goes to the library and whispers to the librarian, "Where can I find a book about restarting your love life after having kids?"

The librarian points to an aisle and whispers back, "Non-Friction."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asked me what was my secret to a successful marriage after having kids? I told them it's Vaseline, but not for what you're thinking.

Rub a scoop onto the door handle and the kids can't turn the knob to get into the house.

I can see myself getting married, buying a house and having kids but

getting a tattoo? That is a real commitment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife that having kids had made our love life a little bland. She laughed, grabbed a peach from the kitchen, seductively ate the flesh, and masturbated with the pit.

Mother fucking hard core.

When people ask how it feels not having kids...

I tell them I have no rugrats.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Changing diapers is the hardest part about having kids

You can't half ass it.

Having kids is a gamble.

Drink while you do it, and nobody comes out right.

Not having kids

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off by tomorrow.

What's the difference between having AIDS and having kids?

Everyone considers you a hero if you beat AIDS.

The best thing about being able to speak to 2 languages and having kids who can only speak one is that I can swear at them in one language but express love in another...

If only they spoke the 2nd language, they'd know how much I love them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having kids is like getting a stupid tattoo...

It takes most people a couple years to realize how bad they fucked up.

The most expensive part of having kids?

all the wine you have to drink

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several years after having kids, two guys are sitting in a bar and one finally gets the courage to ask the other why he's Anti-Vax.

The Anti-Vaxxer takes only a second to look around the bar, making sure no one can hear, and finally leans in real close and says:

"I'm not, my kid's just a fuckin' dickhead."

I truly believe having kids is a full-time job.

And I don’t bring work home with me.

A wife and husband start talking about having kids.

Husband: Do you think your ready to have kids?

Wife: I’m not sure. They can be the greatest thing in a parent’s life.

Husband: But they can be a handful.

Wife: So do you want kids?

Husband: No, not really.

Wife: I mean I think we would be awful parents anyway. <...

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