UPJOKE

Has Been Jokes

She has been shot (up).

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...

The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

My wife has been missing for over a week.

The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

Erectile disfunction support group has been cancelled

Nobody could come

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’,...

The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately…

One could almost say they’ve been acting Ruth-lessly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a full bar with a loaded gun. He shouts “Who here has been fucking my wife!?”

Everyone in the bar is quiet for a bit, until the bartender says “Mate, you don’t have enough bullets.”

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

Donald J. Trump has been impeached

Finally, something he's earned

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 2020, it has been confirmed that the Earth is neither flat nor round.

It's fucked.

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know a woman who has been married 3 times and is still a virgin

Her first husband was a psychologist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. Her second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. Her third husband was a gourmet and all he wanted to do was eat it.

.

The good news is that I just heard she is gettin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has been cheating on me and in hindsight I should have seen it coming

For the past couple months we'd barely talked at all. Our jobs had been super stressful and it made things tense. When she'd ask how my day was, I'd tersely reply "it sucked" or "you don't want to know."

When I asked her how her day had been she'd say "They fucked me at work again"

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

A verdict has been reached in the Jussie Smollett trial.

I hope he doesn't beat himself up over this, again.

Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death

Plaguearism

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for decades?

Church

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

A Man Has Been Drinking All Day At A Bar...

A man has been drinking all day at a local bar and checks his watch.

"1:30am, rats. I need to go home now or my wife's going to kill me", he thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly on the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

...

Apparently someone has been shot with a starter pistol at the athletics track

Police think it may be race related

I told my wife, “Did you know Old McDonald’s farm has been taken over by Artificial Intelligence?”

Her: AI?

Me: AI.

Her: Oh.

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that rare porn movie that has been hailed as an inspirational timeless classic?

They said it would inspire people for generations to come.

I came home and found that my wife has been on Ebay the whole day.

If she's still on there tomorrow, I'd have to lower the price.

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

Watch out for that new "Peekaboo" variant the CDC has been warning about...

It's been sending everyone to the ICU.

A new dating website has been taking Alabama by storm...

It's pretty uncommon in other places, so you may have heard of it. It's called OnlyFams.

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was *your* mother.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

My wife has been addicted to Netflix lately and has started to ignore me...

...So I went ahead and renewed the subscription for another 10 years.

Since reddit has been all about native americans lately..

An Indian and a cowboy are walking through the prairie one day.
The Indian stops and puts his ear to the ground and says "ah, buffalo come."
In which the cowboy replies:
"Dang, you can tell that from stickin yer ear to the ground?"
Indian says:
"No. Ear sticky."

Oliver has been living the dream

Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years. "How have you been?" Oliver asked.
"I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu. "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This election has been a bit like watching porn...

The hype was fun but now it's over I'm disgusted by what I'm watching.

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

A man answers his door to find a somber-looking police officer standing on his porch. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, sir,” the officer says, “but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus.”

The man replies, “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality.”

My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer.

All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

A new patient has been interned in a mental asylum.

One of the doctors ask him:

- What is your name?

- John F Kennedy, sir.

- Great, another president...

- No sir! I'm not the president, I'm the airport!

WANTED: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars

It’s safe to say the police are working tirelessly to catch him.

America has been having a lot of bad luck lately

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break-ins lately. Any ideas what to do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

What do you call a T-Rex that has been in a fight?

A dino-sore.

How do you know when a blonde has been using a vibrator?

Her teeth are chipped

So, no nut November has been over for about a week...

About how long should it take for them to grow back?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

I am sure this has been posted before...

In a bar, an attractive woman calls the bartender over and asks to speak to the manager.

He explains that the manager is not in this evening but he will be happy to help her.

The woman leans across the bar and pulls the bartender in close, running her fingers through his hair.

"...

A police man knocked on my door the other morning and said ‘it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck’

I said ‘I know’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls the police, upset that his house has been broken into, and his toilet used.

The owner says that nothing has been stolen, and the police officer finds no signs of forced entry. "Why exactly did you call the police?" he asks.

The owner takes the officer into the bathroom and shows him the toilet bowl. "What do you see?" he asks. "A turd," says the officer.

"Exac...

Chuck Norris has been sentenced to death

The judge’s beheading will take place in 3 days.

The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen.

Cops have nothing to go on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that the Invisible Man has been masturbating to me

It came out of nowhere…

The energizer bunny has been arrested!!

Has been charged with battery

A friend of mine has been collecting magazines for 10 years.

That guy has a lot of issues.

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.

Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

The IT guy at work has been missing for the past few weeks.

He must have..ransomware.

Boyz 2 Men has been around for so long

They're renaming themselves Menz to Grandpas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his w...

A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live?

Moo York.

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours….

He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.

Two hours later the worker returns. One of his ...

Doctor: Sir, I’m afraid you’re DNA has been reversed

Patient: AND?

There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?

The Tea of the Tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!

My local Chinese restaurant has been hit with a £10k electricity bill.

They said they can't turn off all the lights but they do dim sum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been stuck on a desert island for 10 years

when he notices an unusual speck in the distance.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, is a beautiful blonde woma...

China has been the most important country for American schools.

Because they invented both paper and gunpowder.

The US has been forced to stop using their mint. It does not work and they can't understand why

It makes no cents.

My girlfriend has been hounding me to commit and get a ring.

You should have seen her face when I took her outside, got down on one knee, and finally put the Ring on our door. Oh wait, I can just replay the video for you.

Willie Nelson has been hospitalized after being struck by a car today.

He was playing on the road again.

Sam Bankman-Fried has been arrested

He is now Sam Bankman-Jailed

Did you know only one US president has been born in Missouri?

It's true, man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has been trying to hide the fact that she's been masturbating while on her period.

But I caught her red handed!

What's the difference between a bipolar conductor and a violinist who has been told not to stand out?

One varies their bravado, the other buries their vibrato

There has been a string of unsolved futon robberies in my town recently.

Police think the criminals…are currently laying low.

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.


"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."


"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.


"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

I suspect that my son has been flushing his blunts down the toilet.

No wonder my water bill is so high.

Well, OJ has been paroled.

The spokesperson for the parole board that granted him his new freedom said they "decided to give him another stab at it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A truck full of Viagra has been hijacked.

The cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

Max has been working as a garment cutter for over 30 years for the same small company.

He had never been late once. One day he shows up for work two hours late with blood running from his lip and nose. His clothes are a mess, he's limping terribly, and looks to be in a lot of pain.

The boss asks him, "So Max, why are you late?"

Max breathlessly answers, "As I was going...

My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying

My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?”

I replied “Don’t you start too”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Viagra shipment has been stolen

The police are searching for hardened criminals.

President Trump said "No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly."

I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count





*edit had 4 in post originally

Trump has been frozen

Because he's one of Russia's assets

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Female Viagra has been around for years...

It's called money.

King Charles's coronation date has been revealed.

It's Camilla.

An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates...

for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book. Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out. Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory." The old man says "Well, I only had one child,...

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys

The Audi Partner.

I have just found out that my boss has been telling people that I hallucinate

He didn't have the guts to say anything to me, directly.

A little bird told me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor with big boobs has been gardening topless all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same.

My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he’ll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

My husband replied, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

Edna Mode has been to fashion shows across the global, but there’s one place she will never visit…

Cape Town

how do you know will smith has been walking in the snow?

You can see his fresh prints.

Bubba has been institutionalized

He is an otherwise sane guy who can't control himself. He will make slingshot and break glass windows with it. No warning or fine has ever worked. This was the last resort.

But keeping someone institutionalized is expensive and he was liked by enough people that everyone wanted to see him ge...

A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years.....

...One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.

"Now we will be able to have three people doing ei...

Something interesting has been revealed by a recent poll.

Many people are swayed by a common opinion.

The bar has been raised

Apparently, buildings are also subject to necromancy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unpublished manuscript of Hemingway’s last novel has been discovered. It’s about a man in his seventies trying to learn programming.

The Old Man and the C.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has been disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy - and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

My Valentines Day so far has been going like a fairy tale.

Grimm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been admitted to hospital after shoving 6 toy horses up his arse.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All we need now is for someone to come forward and say EA has been sexually harassing them

Actually, that applies to all of us. They've been fucking us for years.

"Name a famous explorer that has been forgotten", asked my son

"Internet explorer.", I replied.

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.

My next door neighbour has been in a few films

She'll be furious if she ever finds out

My email password has been hacked.

That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

Santa has been reading all your posts.

Most of you are getting dictionaries.

What do you call an r/clevercomebacks post that has been posted before?

A riposte

My love life has been vacant for so long...

... it became a Spirit Halloween.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.