UPJOKE

Hands Up Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hands up, motherstickers!

This is a fuck up!

An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.


He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.


"Did you see my face?"


"Yes"


BANG, he sh...

Hands Up!

Put the karma in the bag and no one gets hurt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police man: come out with your hands up!

Guy: *sticks hands up* I’m gay!

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When my wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion, I threw my hands up and shouted...

“Honey, it’s not what it looks like!”

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What do you call a man with his hands up a horse's butt?

An Amish Mechanic.

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

The Army.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is in grade two class when the teacher says, "Okay boys and girls, today we are going to learn a new word."

She writes the word on the chalkboard and asks, "Who knows how to say our new word?"
Little Johnny, who is sitting in the back, puts his hand up and yells, "Oh, I know, I know, pick me, pick me!"
The teacher knows Little Johnny is a troublemaker, and he will probably say something silly, s...

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The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.


They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.


Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

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What do you call a prostitute with her hands up her own skirt?

Self Employed

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After trying and failing to agree on what to watch on TV, my wife threw her hands up in exasperation. "Do we even have anything in common?" she asked.

I responded. "Well, neither of us ever get blowjobs. Does that count?"

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