UPJOKE

Guy Goes To The Doctor Jokes

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A guy goes to the doctor because his wife can't orgasm.

The doctor explains his wife is probably over heating and needs to find a way to cool her down.

The guy goes to his best friend and asks him to waft a towel over him and his wife while they have sex to keep them cool.

The friend agrees and the next day he shows up and wafts the towel w...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a pain in his ass

Tells the doctor "doc ive got some pain right by the entrance of my asshole"

Doc replies: "long as u call it an entrance its gonna hurt"

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Guy goes to the doctor

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't even think about getting out of bed without making love to my wife. I pick up my secretary up for a ride to work and she gives me a BJ on the way.

Doc says "Ok."

Guy says, " Around 10 or so, I'll take one of the receptionists into Xerox room and we'll d...

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

A guy goes to the doctor.

Guy: "Doctor, I have a problem. Put your ear next to my left thigh & listen."

Doctor does this & hears a tiny voice: "Lend me $20 please? I'll pay it back next week."

Doctor: "How strange."

Guy: That's nothing. Put your ear next to my left knee."

The doctor obeys...

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Guy goes to the doctor

Guy goes to the doctor for a routine check-up:

Doctor: *So...you're going to have to quit masturbating*

Guy: *Why?*

Doctor: *Because I'm trying to give you a check-up*

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A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem"

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condi...

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A guy goes to the doctor

He says, ”You got to help me, Doc! I have the song, “What’s New,Pussycat” stuck in my head. It just keeps going around and around. It’s driving me CRAZY!”

Doctor replies, “Hmmm, that sound like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that serious??”

“Well, it’s not unusual....

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A guy goes to the doctor with bowel problems

"Doc. My butt just ain't right the past few days." he says.

"Alright," says the doctor.

"Pull your pants down and tell me where it's hurting exactly."

The guy does so, points and says,

"It's particularly painful near the entrance here."

The doctor is taken back and...

A guy goes to the doctor

for his annual medical. “Give it to me straight, doctor. Am I going to live to be 100?”

“Well, do you drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble, drive fast, or mess around with loose women?”

“No, certainly not!”

“Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100?”

Guy goes to the doctor and says, " I cnat siht!"

The doctor says, "Clearly, you are having problems with vowel movements."

Guy goes to the doctors.

Guy: When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself, the nurse does it for me.


Nurse: I understand sir, but this is the sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here....

A guy goes to the doctor.

A guy goes to the doctor.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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guy goes to the doctor ..

a guy goes to teh doctor .

doc says " well what seems to be the problem?"



guy says " its my elbow doc , its killing me !"



doc says " well a normal visit would have a $50 co-pay , but we have a new machine that can diagnose you just by peeing in a cup and the co-p...

A guy goes to the doctors.

Doctor: Okay Dave, try not to get an erection during

this prostate exam.

Patient: My name is Steve.

Doctor: I know, I'm Dave.

A guy goes to the doctor

The doctor informs him that he was given a placebo. The guy asks,
“What’s a placebo?”

The doctor replies,
“It’s better if I don’t tell you.”

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Guy goes to the doctor because his ass is sore

He tells the doctor he got fucked by an elephant. The doctor says, "That's odd, I've heard that an elephant's dick is actually very thin"

The man says, "That's true. The problem is he fingered me first"

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A guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him: "Listen, I felt a weird lump on one of my balls and all of a sudden it began tingling. Next day I wake up and I got a freakishly huge testicle and a regular one and I have no idea how it got like that."

Doctor: "Well, let's see it."

Guy: "No way,...

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Guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.

The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well,...

This guy goes to the doctor...

So, this guy goes to the doctor because he's not feeling well.

The doctor asks him "What's wrong?"

The guy says "I've got this splitting headache and it feels like there's a knife in my guts. What's wrong with me, Doc?"

The doctor replies "I don't know. My guess it's something t...

A guy goes to the doctors.

A guy goes to the doctors complaining of feeling generally unwell. The Doctor examines him, then looks at him and says, 'Well, Mr Jones, it looks like you have Yellow 24'. 'What's that? ' asks Mr Jones, and the doctor explains 'Sadly its not a good prognosis. First you start feeling unwell, as you h...

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A guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says "I need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a semen sample."

The guy says, "Look doc, I'm kind of in a hurry. How about I just leave you my underwear?"

A guy goes to the doctor...

... and says "I would like to get castrated".

The doctor is confused saying " Are you sure? That's a big step."

But the guy insists, so the doctor performs the operation.

When the guy gets home his wife asks "Did you get vaccinated?"

He slams his head "ahh VACCINATED"...

Guy goes to the doctor

Guy: "Doctor, I can't stop my hands shaking"

Doctor:"do you drink a lot?"

Guy: "Not really, I spill most of it"

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Guy goes to the Doctors.

Guy: I need you to look at my Penis, it has turned orange.

Doctor: Wow, I have never seen anything like this, do you

work with chemicals at all.?

Guy: No I don't work anymore.

Doctor: So what do you do then.?

Guy: Watch porn all day and eat Wotsits and Cheetos.

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A guy goes to the doctor because of blue balls.

He comes in to the doctors office and says

"Doctor! Doctor! One of my balls is completely blue! It doesn't hurt, but im really afraid"

The Doctor looks at the patients testicle and agrees that it doesn't look very good. The doctor decides to be on the safe side and removes the patien...

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Guy goes to the doctors.

Man: Will I be OK Doc.?

Doctor: "I doubt it, Mercury is in Uranus right now."

Man: "I don't do that Astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Me neither, my thermometer just broke!"

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Guy goes to the doctor

He tells the doctor: Doctor Doctor, I have trouble seeing objects at a distance. The doctor pulls up the blind and points out of the window and up: what do you make of that?
The patient: Easy one. That's the sun.
Doctor: Well how fucking far do you want to see?

A guy goes to the doctor.

When they are done with all the checkup they proceed to do the prostate exam.

In the middle of it the doctor says:
-"Don't worry it's perfectly normal to get an erection during a prostate checkup"

Guy: -"But I don't have an erection"

Doc: -"Yes, but I do"

A guy goes to the doctor to get his test results.

"So what's the prognosis, Doctor? Just tell me, I can take it."

"Ten," says the doctor.

"Ten years. Well, it could be worse."

The doctor shakes his head slowly.

"You mean - months? No? Weeks? Please, not just 10 days!"

"Nine," says the doctor.

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

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Guy goes to Doc because his dick is orange.

A guy goes to the doctor because his dick is orange;

Doctor looks at it and say, “yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says,...

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A guy goes to the doctor, and finds out that he's got chlamydia on his toes...

The Doc says, "Hmmm... what an odd coincidence. Last week I had a woman show up with a case of athletes cunt!

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A guy goes to the doctor because he’s been having trouble with his sex life.

The doctor gives him an examination and says: “Look, you’re just out of shape. Run ten miles every day and I guarantee you’ll start to feel better.”

A week later the guy calls his doctor back and says “Gee thanks for the advice doc, I’ve been running ten miles a day and I feel great!”
...

A guy goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him "I'm sorry sir but you only have 3 minutes left to live." The guy says "My god doc, is there anything you can do for me?" and the doctor replies "Well, I could boil you an egg."

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Guy goes to the doctor and says he poops every morning at 8

The doctor asks “so, what is the problem”, and the guy says “I wake up at 9”

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Guy goes to the doctor complaining of tennis elbow...

Doctor says to him that because of social distancing, he’s got this new machine that can diagnose anything with just a urine sample and just drop it off at his convenience.

The guy is upset and just wants his tennis elbow looked at, so he pees in a cup, has his wife and daughter pee in the s...

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So this guy goes to the doctor...

... and tells him, “Doc, I haven’t been able to use the toilet for the past 4 days.

The doctor is concerned and tells him that they need to run some tests and then asks, “Have you been under any stress in the past few days?”

The man says, “I don’t know, doc, lately I haven’t been givin...

A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....

The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up...

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A guy goes to the doctor..

Guy: “Doctor, whenever i have sex with my wife my dick gets stuck inside her”

Doctor: “That’s impossible”
Guy: “but Its true!! ”

The doctor doesn’t know what to do so he gives him some medicine

The guy returns the next day and tells the doctor that the medicines didn’t hel...

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A Guy Goes to the Doctor

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven’t ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no.

The ...

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A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

The guy asks, “Why?”
And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”

Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you.

A guy goes to the doctor.....

.....he is told that he has Tom Jones disease.
“Tom Jones disease? Is that rare?” The guy asks looking worried.
The doctor jumps on the table, shakes his hips and says “It’s not unusual”.

Guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says: I have a bad news and a good news.

P: what is the bad news?

D: because of your condition you’ll have to live on a very strict diet. No chocolate or sweets, no fried stuff, no coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk and no milk products in general. You can eat only green vegetables. And you’ll have have to keep this diet for the res...

A guy goes to the doctor

Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant and we always used protection and the rubber never broke. How is this possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: "There was once a hunter who always carried a gun where ever he goes. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion sud...

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Guy goes to the doctor...

Guy goes to the doctor because he has a pain in his foot.

The doctor asks 'Have you dropped anything on it lately?'

The guy says 'no.'

'Hmmmmmm.' Doctor asks 'Do you do a lot of running.'

Guy again says 'no.'

'OK.......' Doctor asks 'Do you masturbate?'
<...

After a skiing accident, this guy goes to the doctor to get treated.

He walks up to the doctor and stays: « doctor, I need your help. Whenever I touch my leg it hurts. When I touch my upper arm, it also hurts a lot. And lastly when I touch my right toenail, I get a burning sensation. What do you think ? »

After much thought and examining, the doctor turns arou...

A guy goes to the doctor:

“Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.”

Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

Guy goes to the doctor...

Doctor: Findings show you should stop your fapping and get another hobby.

Guy: Seriously Doc?

Doctor: Seriously, Richard. Especially when I'm still talking to you.

Guy goes to the doctor with hearing problems...

Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?

Guy: Yeah, Homers the fat one and Marge has big blue hair

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A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc my pecker has turned orange".

The doctor takes a look and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. We'll have to run some tests to see if you have been poisoned or something. Where do you work, a chemical plant?"

The guy answers, "No. As a matter of fact I've been out of work for a couple of months now, and I've ...

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A guy goes to the doctor for his test results...

The doc pulls out the patient’s file and says “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The guy sighs and says, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ve been eating so much salami, pepperoni, corned beef, bacon, chorizo and prosciutto that you’ve developed a very rare fatal disease.”

“Wha...

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