UPJOKE

Guess Who Jokes

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guess who‘s no longer a 24 year old virgin...

...i turned 25 yesterday.

Guess who stopped smoking this morning?

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Guess who’s getting some head tonight

My pillow

Guess who I saw today...

Everyone I looked at

So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair..

But guess who came crawling back!!?!

Guess who missed Spiderman Homecoming?

Uncle Ben.

Guess who has two thumbs...

And a box of other miscellaneous body parts? This guy.

Guess who failed the gym class??

Dumbbells

Guess who doesn't want to become a millionaire?

A billionaire

Guess who just got laid!

Not me. Probably someone, but not me.

Guess who went to the jungle last night without telling his wife

A cheetah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50.

Guess who got the front porch repainted.

EDIT: Holy crap this blew up (no pun intended). Front page! RIP to my inbox.

Thank you kind Redditor for my first gold!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy chats with his milkman during the weekly daily delivery.

"You should've seen yesterday's party, it was great. There was me, my wife and many couples in the neighborhood. By the end we were completely hammered."

"Oh yeah? How did it go?" The milkman inquires.

"Well, we got so drunk that we got the idea for a little game. The men went into ano...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Met a prostitute who said she'll do anything for $50...

Guess who just got Darth Vader unlocked...

What's the first way to know when you're growing old?

It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.

(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)

I went to a clinic to get my eye checked... You won’t guess who I bumped into.

Nevermind it wasn’t a clinic. :/

Guess who my financial advisor is going to be for halloween.

PENNY-WISE

The murder trial

I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury l...

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Why is a dog better than your wife ?

Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and open it after a bit

Guess who’ll be happy to see you

I love when street names or city names kind of match where you live.

For example, I grew up on Old Dike Road. You can guess who my neighbors were.

That's right, a couple of civil engineers.

Wait, what were you thinking?

Guess who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and...

A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly $100 each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sen...

What do you call a "Gulf and Western" singer who's gained way too much weight?

Jimmy Hit the Buffett



What do you call a band that agrees with anything?



Yes.



What do you call a band that you don't know any of the members?



The Who?



What do you call a band that likes to play childish games?



...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had on...

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