UPJOKE

Group Of Jokes

I need a few brief jokes to tell to a group of elderly people. The punchlines need to be easily understood, and they need to be clean and not making fun of anyone with any kind of disability. Have any brief and fairly original jokes?

This one is good, although I’ll probably have to emphasize the ‘mispronouncing words’ part, and instead of blonde, the dummy will be me:

*A blonde is flying in a Boeing for the first time. She starts jumping on her seat shouting "Boeing Boeing Boeing".
The pilot, clearly annoyed by this, w...

How do you get a group of loud Canadians to leave a party?

You ask them.

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens?

An HOA

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

What do you call a group of people with something in common, but hate each other?

drivers

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

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A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

A group of dictators walk into a bar

and order everyone around.

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

A group of professors were called and sat on a plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off, all the professors were informed that the plane was made by their students. Then all the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape with the exception of one professor who remained seated with so much confidence and calmness...

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don’t know. But it is definitely not herd.

If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

What do you call a group of people smoking weed?

A Joint Coalition

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

What do you call a group of singing dolphins?

An orca-stra.

Why don't you ever see a group of Johnny Depp fans?

They don't like Heards.

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A group of teenagers were getting into a yo mama fight

And everyone was getting into it except the indian boy at the back.

When asked why he wouldn't participate
He replied: "I too would make fun of your mothers but in my culture disrespecting cows is frowned upon."

Did y'all hear about the group of hipsters who drowned at the pond?

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool

What do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists?

The ¿Qué Qué Qué?

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner said “If anyone jumps in, swims to the coast and survives , I’ll give you $ 1 million.”

No one dared to move. But suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

The owner announced “We have a brave winner!”

After collecting his reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel. Upon arrival, the manager...

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

A group of dogs is a pack. A group of crows is a murder. What is a group of Karen's?

A Home Owners Association.

I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people

Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.

How do you count a group of Mexicans?

Juan by Juan

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If a single stick is called a "fag", and a bundle of "fags" is called a "faggot", then what do you call a group of "faggots"?

A "subreddit"

What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?

An LGBT queue

A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to him.

A group of friends put together a basketball team to play on the local town league and called the team “bye”

So far they have accumulated 4 wins from opponents no-shows.

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

...

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughe...

What do you call a large group of Karens?

A Home Owner's Association

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What do you call a group of knights standing in a circle ejaculating on each other?

A Sircumference

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hareline.

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A Russian, a Japanese dude and a guy from Boston were caught by a group of cannibals...

The leader said to them "we are going to eat you and use your skin to make a canoe, but we will give you the choice of killing yourselves in which ever way you want".
The Russian made a grunting sound then snapped his neck clean off. The Japanese guy took out his samurai sword and honorably kill...

What do you call it when a group of cheeses start fighting?

A fromage fray.

A man was walking through the desert and passed a group of vultures feasting on a dead animal.

The vultures stopped eating and looked at him, obviously disturbed.

The man casually commented "Carrion."

What do you call a group of super hero orphans?

The Mighty Orphan Power Rangers.

Side note: I came up with this one today so it's as original AFAIK. Apparently orphan jokes are popular at my children's school and at least the one I came up with isn't cruel.

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A group of engineering students and their professor were given free airline tickets to go on a holiday...

Once they boarded the plane, the captain announced that they would be flying on a plane that the students had built.

Every one of the students panicked and left the plane, except for the professor. When the flight attendant asked the professor why he hadn't left the plane too he responded "I...

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

A sheriff gets a call regarding a group of suspicious birds gathered along the highway.

So he drives to the reported location and sure enough there’s a group of about 15 vultures all huddled in a circle just off the right lane. The sheriff gets out and walks over to the birds to see what they’re up to. As he approaches he calls out “hey fellas, mind if I ask what this meetings about?” ...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner.

Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

After an undersea concert, a group of clam musicians go out for a night on the town

They all left their instruments at the concert hall, except for Connie, who always insists on bringing her harp wherever she goes. They started out at a hip dance club called "Sam's". After a few drinks, they moved on to a few other clubs. As they were leaving the last one, Connie cries out, "Oh ...

A group of Pygmies went on a raft trip down the river.

They thought they packed enough supplies for everybody.

Turns out, they were a little short.

What do you call a group of french communists?

Oui

What do you call a guy who hangs around with a group of musicians?

The drummer.

We asked a group of scientists to study what's an acceptable amount of existential dread to experience.

Their response was, "It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things."

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

What is it called when a large group of footstools overtakes a country?

Expansion of the Ottoman Empire.

A group of colleagues go for a night out after work in Singapore...

They join a queue for a nightclub and get chatting to the bouncer.

"So where are you lads from?"

One of the friends replies

"Well I'm from here in Singapore, but my friends are all visiting on business. Kwok and Hung are from Malaysia, Minh is from Vietnam, Liu is from Taiwan, G...

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NSFW: I asked a group of prostitutes if they would donate their services to my charity.

None of them gave a fuck.

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One time I was at a party and noticed a large group of people patiently waiting their turn to fill their cups with some sort of fruit juice cocktail. Gesturing towards the gathering, I asked one of them "What is this?"

"This is the punch line"

A group of passengers are riding the bus to work…

Suddenly, the engine splutters and the bus grinds to a halt at the side of the road. The driver gets out, opens the engine compartment, and peers inside, cursing and swearing.

After a while the passengers get restless. A woman pulls a small toolkit out of her purse, gets up and goes outside, ...

Police arrested a man after he used a strobe light on a group of photosensitive epileptics during a game of "Hide-And-Seek"

He was charged with "Search and Seizure"

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A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.

"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:<...

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A group of engineering professors board a plane to a conference...

After they are all seated in their row, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic. When they notice one professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm r...

A group of Jewish women are out at brunch

...when the waiter comes over and says "ladies, is anything ok?"

A group of dwarves get jobs as coal miners

After a week or so, one of the workers really stood out and was getting special treatment from the supervisor, Moe. The other dwarves complained to HR and threatened to go on strike.
The supervisor was called into the office and reprimanded. He explained that he was only trying to keep the harde...

An group of Asian men robbed my house a few nights ago.

The police said it was clearly a case of Chinese Take-Away.

What Do You Call A Hypothetical Group Of Ravens?

A conspiracy theory!

A group of four protons was complaining to a group of of eleven.

“Can’t you just let us Be?”, they asked.
The group of eleven replied, “Na”.

A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! W...

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A group of guys walk into a new bar for the first time. The barkeep asks what they will be having tonight. [L]

The first guy orders a whiskey coke. The bartender without hesitation hands the man a chilled apple. The man confused by this asks why he is getting the apple. The bartender insists that he takes a bite out of it.

The man chomps into it and exclaims, “Wow! This tastes just like my favorite wh...

What did the computer say to the group of numbers?

I'll Calc You Later

What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?

A Plagueround

what do you call a group of crows who do something out of curiosity?

A tempted murder

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A group of mafia men are playing poker

One turns to the other and asks: "What's two times four?"

"Eight" the other answers, upon which the first guy pulls out his gun and shoots him down

"Why did you do that?!" another guy screams.

"He knew too much"

When is a group of horses less than a whole horse?

When it’s three Quarter Horses.

Hey everyone! What do you call a group of batmen and woman?

>!An orphanage!!<

What do you call a group of domestic abusers?

A Heard.

A group of apes had locked everyone inside of a Himalayan monastery

Escape was delayed because of the missing monk key.

What do you call it when a group of Pacific Islanders forget things?

Poly-amnesia

A group of bats were hosting a competition

Three of them would be competing to see which could suck the most blood in 10 minutes.
The first one went to a field with sheep. After ten minutes it returned with blood dripping from its fangs. The judge asked “ how did you get this blood?” The bat responded “see that field with sheep? I drank ...

A group of three men were sitting together...

When one asked " What would you do if you had 5 minutes to live?"
The second man responds by saying "If I had 5 minutes I would fu*k anything that moved"
When the third man was asked what he would do he replied " I would stand very still for 5 minutes"

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A group of nuns were on a cross-country road trip

When they encountered a man driving erratically on the freeway, speeding, cutting them off, break checking and just generally driving in a way that would make the Lord frown.

"This man needs Jesus. Show him your Cross"

That's when sweet old Sister Mary Margaret pulled up along side of...

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So a dude is visiting a group of engineers

the chief engineer greets him and gives him a tour of the facility.

"Right now we're building machinery for the military", says the chief engineer.

the guy sees an assault rifle mounted onto a complicated looking device and asks, "whats going on over here?"

the chief engineer re...

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A group of nuns were remodeling their church.

Today they were painting the walls. They didn't want to get paint on their habits (their nun clothes), so they decided to lock the doors and paint naked...

...they were butt naked and painting when suddenly someone knocked on the cathedral doors. Sister Mary explained to her sisters that ever...

There was a group of ravens in the park today fighting over a happy meal,

I'd never seen such a great unkindness before; I had thought they were crows until I walked closer, for a second I thought I had witnessed a murder.

What do people in Seattle call a group of little kids dressed as ghosts for Halloween?

A micro-boo-ery!

Happy Halloween :)

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

What do you call a group of terrorists in a pool?

A bath bomb!!!

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A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of streetwalkers

Every day as he passes them, they wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boyyy". One day the boy stops and asks one of them why they always wave at him with their pinkies. She replies, "Well... that's what size we imagine your penis to be. It's just a joke!"

The next day on...

A group of introverts is called an oxymoron

Please help me

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A group of aging Rockstars are hanging out and comparing who has received the most impressive gift…

They are in Roger Daltrey’s house and he is showing off an exquisite pinball machine.
“This Custom Tommy Pinball Machine was given to me by the Prime Minister of Sweden. He loved Tommy so much he had it specially made. The balls and all the metal fixtures are made of real Sterling Silver!”
<...

Did you hear about the new religious group of dentists?

They called themselves the Holy Molars.

A group of frat boys walks into a bar

They order a round for everyone, and one of them hoists his stein up and says "Fourteen months!" And they all cheer and drink.

They all finish their rounds, and order another. They cheer "Fourteen months!" And drink. And more cheering, and more drinking, and each time one of them says "Fo...

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What do you call a group of blowjob enthusiasts?

A gaggle

A group of deaf people get together to protest

The group begins chanting

“What do we want?”

“Hearing aids!”

When do we want them?”

“Hearing aids!

My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning

Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments?

An orca-stra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] In the 1980's, a group of American scientists conducted a study on why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft.

And after 2 years and $25,000, they concluded that it was to give the man a more pleasurable sexual experience.

In the 2000's, a group of French scientists decided to revisit the study and after 3 years and $50,000, they concluded that is was to give the woman a more pleasurable sexual experi...

3 men are captured by a group of Indians

The Indians tell the men “were going to kill you, skin you, and turn your skin into canoes. You have 3 options, we can burn you, drown you, or hang you.”

First guy says, “hang me.” So they hang him, skin him, turn him into a canoe.

Second guy says, “down me.” So they drown him, skin h...

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A group of 3 friends go out to a club one night

and have the best time of their life.
They get pretty drunk, and by the end of the night they get in the car and leave.
Drunkenly, they hit a tree on the way home and all three of them are dead on impact.
When they arrive in Heaven, they're welcomed by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

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