UPJOKE

Gone Missing Jokes

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

Did you guys know Sting has gone missing?

The Police have no lead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard that a viagra shipment has gone missing?

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

A city in Yorkshire has gone missing....

Police say they have no Leeds.

My wife’s gone missing Jokes

A man walks into a police station and announces, “My wife’s gone missing.”
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The police officer says, “OK sir, we’ll help you. Since when has your wife been missing?”
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The man replies, “Since about a month ago.”
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The police officer is shocked, “What? A month?! Why ...

My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing...

They hope he resurfaces soon.

In Soviet Russia, a frightened man goes to the KGB: "My talking parrot has gone missing!"

The KGB officer replies: "This is not something we handle. Go to the criminal police for your parrot."


"No, no, Comrade Major - I am here to tell you I disagree with everything it says!"

My girlfriend dared me to take schizophrenia meds.

Now she's gone missing.

A woman ran up to me in the park.

"My dog has gone missing!" she said, on the verge of tears. "Poor boy..."

"Oh...Light brown fur, long tail, grey eyes, and a minor case of conjunctivitis?" I asked.

"Yes!" she beamed.

I said, "No, haven't seen him."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The BBC does a special on the oldest man in Scotland

They arrived for the special and decided to start it off with an interview where they asked him: “What was the best day of your life, Mr MacDonald?”
“I was just a wee lad and it was the day village fair, when me ma realised that our sheep had gone missing on the mountains. The whole village sear...

Myrtle and the Beetle

Myrtle is driving her Volkswagon Beetle down the road and sees another little old lady, also with a Beetle, pulled over with the hazards on. Myrtle pulls over and asks, "Is everything ok?"

The other lady replies, "My darn Beetle has broken down. I popped the bonnet and it looks like the whole...

What's the difference between my kids and my socks?

Unfortunately, only my socks have gone missing.

I found this in an Indonesian book, and could not find it anywhere else: The man, the pastor, and the chicken

A man came to the church and met the Pastor. "Pastor, I confess," he says.

"At last!" exclaims the Pastor. "Finally you repent too!"

"Listen, Pastor, I have stolen a chicken from someone's field"

"My my, that definitely is a sin."

"If I gave away the chicken to the church...

Three brothers go to the park.

Their names are: Shut-Up, Trouble, and Manners.
They are about to play a game of football when Manners turns to Shut-Up and says;
"Where has Trouble gone?"
Shut-Up is unsure, and the two spend a few minutes looking for him. Then Shut-Up turns to his brother.
"There's a policeman over the...

Fleetwood Mac

Money has gone missing from Fleetwood Mac's dressing room again.

They're starting to suspect Stevie Nicks.

In the summer of 1901, there was a small town in Western New York.

Nestled in a small valley, the town of Alfred was dominated by a church with a massive bell that would ring every day, at the top of every hour for several minutes on end, from sun up 'til sun down, much to the ire of the inhabitants.


One fateful night, the bell disappeared. Distraught,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian citrus farmer stores his family's urine for his trees

He does this to produce juicier fruit.

One morning he noticed 80% of his urine supply had gone missing. He tried to claim the loss on his insurance. The claim was rejected because they thought he was taking the piss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Fathers cock

Father o'conner keeps chickens behind the church in a coop. One sunday he goes to feed them and finds the cock's gone missing. He knows theres a cock fighting ring in the village so at mass he questions the congregation. "has anybody got a cock?'. All the men stand up. "no, no. I meant has anybody s...

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends, he invites her into his dorm and introduces her to his roommate. The mother instantly suspects that they are dating. So she asks her son Mother: “are you guys dating?” Son: “no mom, she’s just my roommate, we even have separate beds” The mother was st...

A priest, an Irishman and a silver ladle

An Irishman named O'Neill had to travel to London for a few days for work. As he didn't know anyone there or knew where to stay he was told by a friend to stay at the house of a priest, Father Jameson.

So the Irishman O'Neill stayed at Father Jameson's house and on the first night at the di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets a job as a sacristan

and he gets along pretty well with the priest. Everything is in order, except that the Communion wine stocks don't seem to last very long.

One day, the priest calls him in and says: "Bob, you've been a very good sacristan so far. I have no reason to complain about your work, but I noticed tha...

King Arthur and his Knights met a pilgrim…

King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table met a pilgrim who claimed he found the burial site of Joseph of Arimathea in Scotland. As quick as they could, they set out to track down the best clue to the location of the Holy Grail. It was a long hard ride, across fens and through forests.

O...

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