UPJOKE

Go To A Bar Jokes

A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...

A Blond, Brunette and a Redhead go to a Bar

They come up to the bartender and the bartender says "we have a magic mirror in the girl's bathroom, if you tell it a truth about yourself you'll get free drinks and if you tell it a lie it will kill you." Excited, the brunette rushes to the bathroom and says "I think I'm the prettiest out of the t...

What Happens If 3 Logicians Go to a Bar?

Three semanticians walk into a bar. The bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?". The first semantician says: " I don't know". The second semantician says: " I don't know". The third semantician says: "Yes!" And the bartender gave everyone drinks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brewery managers go to a bar

In Münchens Oktoberfest, there was a meeting with international brewery managers. After the meeting they decided to go to have a drink at a local Bierstube, well known for their international selection of beers. Coronas head manager sat first on the bar and said:
- Por favor, Senor, could i ha...

A couple go to a bar during karaoke night...

and they hear a man sing to most beautiful cover of Stairway to Heaven they had ever heard. Since they were planning their wedding at this time, they approach the man after his performance.

"Wow, that was an amazing cover! Would you like to come perform at the reception of our wedding?" they...

A man decides to go to a bar where he sees a blonde woman.

Conversation begins and the two hit it off. The blonde eventually asks the man when his birthday is.

“March 1st,” the man replies. Suddenly, the blonde gets up and stomps around the bar before coming back to her seat.

“So when is your birthday?” the woman again asks.

Not bein...

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Hitler and Stalin go to a bar

And the bartender says “If you’re both here then who’s looking after Poland?”

A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California

The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"

"Soda," goes the weasel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, a Mexican and an Irishman go to a bar

And each orders a beer.

The Frenchman looks into his beer and sees a fly, calls for the waitress, and demands a replacement.

The Mexican sees a fly in his, plucks it out, and drains the beer.

The Irishman grabs the fly by its wings and violently shakes it over his mug screaming...

Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma go to a bar.

They both had a great time.

Three guys go to a bar

They get really, really, really drunk.

They meet up the next day. Guy #1 says, "I got so drunk last night that I passed out right in the bar."

Guy #2 says, "That's nothing. I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks."

Guy #3 says, "That's nothing. I got so drun...

Two chemist go to a bar

They sit at the counter and one chemist orders for his buddy.
“I’ll have a glass of H20, and he’ll have a glass of H20 too.”

The bartender is noticeably confused and looks to the gentlemen at the end of the bar.

The linguist replies. “Water you looking at me for?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to a bar..

A man walks into a bar and has had a long day. "Give me a Jack and Coke." he says. The bartender reaches under the table and pulls out an apple. "What the hell is this?" The man says. "Just give it a try." says the bartender. The man takes a bite out of the apple and is dumbfounded. "Wow! this tast...

Finally gets a chance to go to a bar.

A guy gets home from work early one evening and finds a message from his wife stating she will be working late and to entertain himself for the evening. As any married man knows, when you have a free evening, you take advantage of it and so, he headed down to the bar. What a night, drinks, has a gr...

If you want to try something different, go to a bar and order a Lindsey Lohan..

It's like a Shirley Temple with a lot of coke.

Why wouldn't you want to go to a bar in Houston?

All of their drinks are watered down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

A duck and a laptop go to a bar and, after a while, the bartender asks the duck if he'd like the drinks on his bill

The laptop scolds the bartender for making such an assumption and insists that the drinks be put on his tab

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