UPJOKE

Go On Vacation Jokes

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

My wife wanted to go on vacation, but I wanted a staycation...

In the end, we settled it with an altercation.

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God decides to go on vacation

God decides to go on holiday.
He calls all his super-being mates up and they pop around to discuss a few suggestions.
"What about Mars," says one of them.
"Nah I went there 15,000 years ago," says God, "it was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty." "What about Pluto," suggests another...

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

To time square.

A mathematician, physicist and chemist go on vacation together.

They take separate rooms at the hotel.

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...

4 people go on vacation together.

One of them speaks English, another speaks French, the third speaks Spanish , and the last speaks German. They see a crowd gathering in the street and go over to see what’s going on. There is a performer in the middle of the crowd. He notices that the four are struggling to see him so he stands on a...

God is deciding where to go on vacation

An angel suggests "How about Earth?"

God says "No way! I went there 2000 years ago, knocked up this one chick, and they haven't stopped talking about it since!"

Where do vegetables go on vacation?

Anywhere with wheelchair accessibility.

God Wants To Go On Vacation

"Hmm, How about Venus?" An angel says

"No! It's way too hot there I need some place better" says God.

The angels face than lights up when he says "I've got it! How about you go down to Earth?"

God than chuckles and says "Are you kidding? Im not going down there. 2000 years ago...

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He needed some arrr and arrr.

What's a pirates favorite sock?

Arrr-gyle.

What's a pirate's favorite shooting sport?

Arrr-chery.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Ceee.

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He felt like he needed some argh and argh

Two blondes go on vacation and rent

a boat for the day to go fishing. They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake. After a really successful days' fishing, one blonde says "We should come back to this same place tomorrow," and so she takes out a marker and draws an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "This will help us find the loc...

[OC] Justin Bieber wanted to go on vacation and not be recognised by anyone, so he totally changed his look. He even legally changed his name:

Justin Case.

Where do border patrol officers go on vacation?

Iceland

Why can't basketball players go on vacation?

They aren't allowed to travel

This is the first time I can't go on vacation around the world because of the pandemic.

Usually it's because I just can't afford it.

An American, a Frenchman, and a Canadian go on vacation to Saudi Arabia

...and once there, they are caught drinking smuggled alcohol. They are arrested, and each sentenced to 100 lashes by the whip as punishment.

Now the officer assigned to do the whipping says "It is my favorite wife's birthday, and she asked that I show a little compassion as I work today. I wi...

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A father and son go on vacation together

While checking into the hotel, the father asks the front desk "before my son and I go to our room, I'd just like to confirm the porn is disabled"

The concierge with a look of disgust states "no sir we have normal porn here you sick fuck"

Courtesy of my 11yo - where do sheep go on vacation?

The Baaaaa-hamas!

Quasimodo wanted to go on vacation.

He sends out an ad in the newspaper to get someone to ring the bell in his place. Unfortunately, no one responds, but just as he leaves, a man with no arms is at the door. Quasimodo asks why he’s there. The man says, “I want the job.” Quasimodo counters this, saying that he couldn’t possibly ring th...

Howard decides to go on vacation.

In the middle of his trip, he calls his brother Fred to see how the family cat is doing.

“She broke her neck, she’s dead.”, Fred says.

Howard is shocked “Well, you could have told me in a lot easier way. You could have said that she was stuck on the roof and the fire department was g...

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A class of engineering students were given free plane tickets to go on vacation

Once they were on the plane, the pilot announced that they were on the plane the students had built. The whole class freaked out and rushed off of the plane, except for the professor who calmly stayed in his seat. When the flight attendant asked why he was so calm he replied, "I know the ability of ...

Where does a crayon go on vacation?

Color-ado. My seven year old just told me this one.

Where do apples go on vacation?

MinneAppleolis

Courtesy of my 8 yr old daughter.

Where did the annoying prophet go on vacation?

Budapest!

A couple decides to go on vacation.

A couple from London decides to go on a vacation together to Spain.
Due to a sudden change in the wife's work schedule the husband decides to fly first and the wife will join him a couple of days later.
As the husband arrives weather is great and he feels kind of bad for his wife still working...

Why didn't the mummy go on vacation?

He was afraid he'd relax and unwind!

God wants to go on vacation...

He's sitting in his throne room, boredly surveying the Earth, wondering where in his name he could go to. So he calls in St. Peter to give gimme some suggestions.

St. Peter gives it some thought and says, "Well, how about the rest of heaven? You haven't gotten a good look of it since you made...

Quasimodo wants to go on vacation...

so he posts an ad in the local paper. A couple of days later he's contacted by a young man, and asks him to come up to Notre Dame so that he can learn the ropes.
"Ringing ze bells of Notre Dame truly is an art, and there is only one way to get ze perfect sound you know. Here, I will show you"...

Where do cows stay when they go on vacation?

In a moooo-tel.

I just thought of this sitting in my hotel room.

Sometimes I feel like i dad joke so hard I impregnate my girlfriend from 100 miles away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large number of politicians decide to go on vacation

They fill a whole bus and decide to go to the countryside. During their journey, at night, the driver falls asleep for a minute and they suffer a terrible accident. There's only this one farm nearby.

The next morning the police arrives and question the owner of the farm.

'Did you find ...

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A man's wife tells him she'd like to go on vacation...[NSFW]

And he's like "i can't, work, projects, deadlines" so she goes on vacation by herself.
She leaves and comes back with a brand new car, jewelry, and a stash of cash.

He asks her how did you get all this money? She's like " I gave blowjobs and earned enough for all this".

"Oh come ...

Two chefs go on vacation (OC)

Two chefs decide to take a vacation together. Being that they are chefs, they decide to go a cooking museum while taking some time off. In the museum, the see a golden whisk with a plaque underneath that reads: "The chef who owned this whisk was known as the greatest of his time, and served meals to...

Business competitors

Two friendly competitors in the NY garment center go on vacation to Miami Beach. Saul is not a good swimmer and goes out too far from the beach and realizes he is in trouble. He yells for Herbie who dives into the water and pulls Saul into the shallow water. When Saul is out of trouble Herbie asks h...

Up in Heaven, God was feeling tired

He had been a busy deity lately.

Anyways, St. Peter suggests he should go on vacation.

“Where?" rants God, "I created everything! I know what everything is!!"

“Well" replies St. Peter, "Earth is a nice place. You could go there."

“Ohh no! Not Earth!" says God, "I went ...

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Three guys are forced to sleep in the same king sized bed

Three guy friends go on vacation and when they arrive at their hotel, they find that only one room is available (which happens to ONLY have one king sized bed.) After much reluctance, they agree to all sleep in the same bed

The next morning during breakfast, the guy who slept on the left say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father is upset his teenage daughter is pregnant…

He tries to be understanding and asked when it happened.

She says to her father, “Remember when I asked if my boyfriend could go on vacation with us!”

Her father says, “Yes, I remember that talk.”

The pregnant teen replies with, “You said ‘Fuck him!’ and I did.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WY

A white man is in love with his wife Wendy so much that he decided to get her name tattooed on his penis, but when it's not erect, you only see 'Wy'. One day, him and his wife go on vacation to Jamaica. As they're having dinner, the man leaves for the restroom. In the restroom, he sees a Jamaican ma...

At the Polish-Russian border

A Russian border patrol walks down the line, expecting a quiet evening when suddenly he sees something dangling from a tree. Someone hung himself. Right there. At the border. He calls his partner.

"Ivan? Come quick, there's someone hanging from the tree! Someone committed suicide right here a...

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