UPJOKE

Getting Older Jokes

It's no joke getting older...

First your memory gets worse.

Then your hearing gets worse.

Then your eyesight gets worse.

Then your memory gets worse.

As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away."

The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on ...

Getting older

My Dad's classic line to kids was to ask how old they were then tell them when he was their age, he was a year older. It would blow their minds!

Dad: "How old are you?"
Kid: "6!"
Dad: "Oh, when I was your age I was 7."
Kid: (Confused)

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

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Getting older is rough. This month I only had enough money to get either my Viagra or my Alzheimers medication.

I can't recall which one I chose...

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I'm getting older now

I'm getting older now. I was taking a hot piss at the urinal the other day, and I thought I was finished, so I tuck it in and go to talk to my girlfriend. Nope, just pissed all over myself! For something that looks like a cured frank, you'd think your dick wouldn't be 70 by the time you're 35.

My Wife and I must be getting older. The meaning of 69 has changed ...

Now we just lay on the bed and tie each others shoes.

As I'm getting older I find that I'm using my glasses more

When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle

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Now that I'm getting older I get social security sex.

I get a little every month but not enough to live off.

My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had.

For some reason, she woke up bald and in a bad attitude

Three Signs You're Getting Older

I was told that there were three signs that you are getting older.

The first is senility

And I forget the other two.

An older man was getting sicker and sicker as time went by...

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

O...

I realized I was getting older when I saw a young lady walking down the street and thought to myself.

I wonder what HER mom looks like....

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

There was a man named John Odd

There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name.

People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that.

So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doe...

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The old gunfighter is getting worried

He feels that as he is getting older he is slowing down, and some of the youngsters are getting damn good. He decides he will consult a “gunfighter trainer” to help him improve his technique and show him the latest tricks.

He goes into the bar, and walks up to the gunfighter trainer at a t...

Ordering a Cake

On wife's birthday , man ordered a cake on the phone.

Salesman: What message to put on the cake?

Man: Write "Getting older but You are getting better."

Salesman: How you want that to be written?

Man: Well.. put "You are getting older" at the top and "but You are gettin...

Travel Guru

As a travel guru I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you ha...

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