UPJOKE

Get Hard Jokes

I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

What does a dinosaur who can't get hard have?

E-reptile dysfunction

sometimes when i get lonely i just get hard in bed and lay there

it's nice to act like there's a hand on my shoulder

(discla8mer i'm drunk i'm sorry if this doesn't make sense)

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard because

I just got laid last night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy can't get hard

He hasnt been able to have sex and its really starting to bother him.
He asks a friend what to do

Friend " I had the same problem"
Guy "what do I do?"
Friend "finger your wife before sex and sniff you fingers, the more you do the harder you will get."

That night the guy tries ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you need viagra to get hard

Erection fraud

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Honey, why does my dick get hard when I look at myself in the mirror?" A husband asked his wife.

The wife replied, "Because, even your dick knows you're a pussy."

If you get hard at a funeral...

...is that a mourning wood?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cucumber is talking to a penis

The cucumber says: My life is hard. When I get hard, they chop me up and eat me.

The penis says: That's nothing! When I get hard, they put a bag over my head, throw me in a dark room, and make me do pushups until I puke.

Did you hear about the old intercontinental ballistic missile that couldn't get hard...

He had projectile dysfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex Ed teacher walks into class with a condom and a banana

He addresses the class and says "today i will show you how to use a condom and i have this banana because i can't get hard on an empty stomach"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

What happens when you get a chicken nugget hard?

You get a chicken tender.

After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.

I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”

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