UPJOKE

Get Drunk Jokes

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3 men get drunk at a bar...

The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"

Third guy goes: "I've never told...

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Two men want to get drunk...

But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami." The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and befor...

How do computers get drunk??

You know... they just take SCREENSHOTS

Where do file transfers get drunk?

The progress bar.

You can't get drunk on Twizzlers

They're only liquor*ish*

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Two guys decided to get drunk...

...on top of the roof.

While climbing there one guy dropped the ladder, but the other assured him when they're drunk, coming down would not be an issue.

After having drunk for hours, they finally decided to try and get down. One guy saw a pile of human fertilizer and decided that landi...

How do ghosts get drunk?

They drink spirits

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

Why can't judges get drunk?

They always order just-ice

Why didn't the lawyer get drunk?

>!Because he passed the bar.!<

I watched a fly get drunk yesterday.

I saw it land in my wife's tea and I didn't say anything.

So um... where do astronauts get drunk?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0

Q W E R T Y U I O P

A S D F G H J K L

Z X C V ...

Did Jesus ever get drunk?

I dunno either, but I heard he got hammered once.

How did the underage mathematician get drunk?

He put his root beer in a square glass

Why did the panda get drunk?

Because it had too much bamboos. (courtesy of my 10 year old).

So I decided to get drunk last night and do my taxes

I’m getting back $4,000,000.

If I get one upvote I'll get drunk by myself tonight.

Edit: Well okay, thanks Reddit, I upvoted it myself.

Did you know Thor can't get drunk?

He just gets hammered.

Where do sheep go to get drunk?

a baaa

It only takes me one drink to get drunk.

The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

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A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

Where do Astronauts get drunk?

At home, like everyone should be right now.

Where do monkeys get drunk?

Monkey bars

Q: What does a vampire drink to get drunk?

A: Bloody mary

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...

They hang around bars 24/7.

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A man pukes on himself in the bar. And says “Oh no what am I going to do? I promised my wife I wouldn’t get drunk here.”

The bartender sees him and says. “It’s ok man take $20 out of your wallet and put it in your shirt pocket. Tell her someone got sick on you and gave you some money for the inconvenience.”
The guy says thanks and walks home. Put money in his shirt pocket and leaves his clothes in the laundr...

When mediums get drunk and all sentimental...

They call their future spouses.

When actors get drunk

To play a scene where a character is drunk it's method acting



So I'm sure breaking bad must have had plenty of meth head acting

Why do bees like to get drunk?

So they can get their buzz on? Pesticides have decimated their family and there is nothing left but alcoholism

A group of 8 year old kids mysteriously get drunk at a slumber party

A boy has 5 of his friends over for a slumber party. His friends mom buys the kids two 2 liter bottles of Root Beer and begins serving it to the kids. Before the kids get through the first bottle they begin to act drunk, and the parents begin to notice that they smell like alcohol. One of the kid...

Why don’t the people who write jokes on this sub get drunk at parties?

Because they don’t know how a punchline works.

An astronomer is drinking Bud Light with another astronomer and asks “How many of these do you think it’ll take for me to get drunk?”

The other astronomer replies: “Approximately 6.5 light beers”

I get drunk with power uninstalling microsoft products. I don't do it all the time..

just when I need to take the Edge off.

What does a toddler get drunk off of?

Jack Danimals!

A man gets drunk and sleeps naked in the forest

A little girl was picking mushrooms in the same forest. She counted: one, two, three, four, five, five, five...

The next day the man wakes up and thought to himself: damn, that felt good, i should get drunk and fall asleep naked in the forest again. And so he did.

A bear was picking mu...

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So two men get drunk together and start beating each other up

After several hours, when every attempt has been made to split the two up, a bystander decides to just cut their arms off to stop all the punching. But then the drunks start kicking the shit out of each other. So the bystander cuts their legs off.
So there they lay, unarmed and defeated.

Whenever I'm in a bad mood I get drunk and work out.

It really lifts my spirits

I tried to get drunk off of Shirley Temples

But I didn't feel Annie-thing.

A sloth goes to a bar to get drunk.

After a long time and a lot of drinks the bartender asks the sloth why he is there.






The sloth replies, "I'm depressed, my wife is leaving me. I bet she's already halfway through the kitchen."

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...

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Mark and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk.

Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Mark her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Mark and Linda-Lou fucking right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yell...

I just learned that you can get drunk from Kangaroo meat!

I'm pretty sure it has something to do with all the hops.

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

Why do the Irish get drunk on St. Patrick's Day?

Why should that day be any different.

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Two drunks getting hammered as usual...

And as usual the fist one vomits all over himself. "Goddamnit, my wife's gonna be pissed."

Second Drunk: "Whaterya bellyaching about? You always throw up on yourself."

First Drunk: "Yeah, but this time The Wife says she won't let me in if I smell like vomit anymore." So the Second Drun...

Why can't you get drunk with a sniper?

Because they are usually done after one or two shots.

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Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don’t have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar.

So one of them devises a clever plan, he tells his friend “We should buy a hot-dog sausage and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks but then when the bill comes you get down and suck on the hot-dog and it’ll look like you’re sucking on my dick so then we’ll get thrown out without payi...

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