UPJOKE

For Me Jokes

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.”

Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

I'm taking the sleeping pills every night as prescribed, but they don't work for me.

Doctor: Two of them with plenty of fluids, correct?

Of course, two pills with a big cup of coffee.

(Based on a true story)

my boyfriend set up a bukkake party for me

so many people came! you should've seen my face

It is always difficult for me to attend funerals

I suffer from a condition called mourning wood.

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.

Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.

Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of the said joke?

Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.

Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
...

I never though that orthopedic shoes would be good for me.....

but, after trying a pair, I stand corrected.

It’s really hard for me to tell people what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

My wife just said I’m not allowed to come to the PTA meeting with her this week. I think it’s because she secretly knows Miss Taylor has a thing for me.

But my wife says it’s because she’s the teacher and we don’t have kids.

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

When shopping for Valentine's day cards, I found one saying "Baby, you're the only one for me."

Great slogan, so I took 12.

I never thought Cialis would really work for me.

But now I’m a firm believer.

Bill Belichick was in my store earlier and whilst I was serving him he said “listen, I need a quarterback. Think you could do that for me son?”

I said “wow, really?! You want me to play in the NFL?”

He said “No moron, this drink costs 75c and I gave you a dollar”

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'Hey Mr Tambourine man play a song for me...'

'What, on a fucking tambourine?'

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"

Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"

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I made a sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

The holidays are the most frightening time of the year for me.

I was a little dyslexic as a kid, and when I was a teen I started dabbling in the dark arts.

I think I sold my soul to Santa.

Every year when the jingle bells start ringing, I get nervous. It could be the elves coming for me.

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I posted an ad looking for someone to do odd jobs for me.

A guy replied, offering to jerk me off with his feet, armpit, or elbows.

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My coworker came up to me yesterday and said he had a question for me

He asked, “Imagine you walk into a room with 50 naked dudes. How many of their penises would you choke on?”

“What the hell?” I reply “None of them!”

“Oh so you’re a professional?”

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Hip-fucking-hip-hip-hooray for me! Just made my last mortgage payment.

Don't get me wrong, I still owe like $187,000, I'm just not paying any more.

I was working a job on a boat transporting people and cars when a magical godmother with gossamer wings surprised me with a really good party for me with rides. Then I found out I still had to pay admission. It was only a couple bucks, though.

A Very Fair Fairy Ferry Faire Fare.

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Phone calls and blowjobs are the same thing for me.

Im never on the receiving end

Things were much better for me back in the day

Especially when I wasn't born yet --those days I could kick a pregnant lady all day long and everyone would be happy that I'm doing something

Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby".

Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

I asked my proctologist if it's okay for me to use euphemisms...

He said analogies would be better.

I knew she was the one for me, and after 6 months of pursuing her, last night she said those three little words.

That's him, officer!

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

My mother was scared for me when I joined the navy.

It makes sense, my father was a telegraph operator in the navy and he got lost at C.

So my cab driver went the extra mile for me the other day

I had to ask him to reverse as I didn't have enough money for the fare

My relationship with trading is a weird one. They are unstable, constantly deplete my money, give me mental trauma, but I carry on thinking about the good times I had with them, and the money they made for me.

Guess I have "Stock"holm syndrome

My girlfriend's nickname for me is Bill Gates...

She said it's because I've got a micro soft too.

An astronomer is drinking Bud Light with another astronomer and asks “How many of these do you think it’ll take for me to get drunk?”

The other astronomer replies: “Approximately 6.5 light beers”

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

My Doctor has advised me to stop drinking - its going to be a massive change for me.

I've been with that doctor for 15 years...

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

I hired an odd man to do eight jobs for me.

When I got back, he’d only done jobs one, three, five, and seven.

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

So I started buying animals to do math for me

I already have a dog, he doesn't count though

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

I broke up with a girl because the red flag she had was just too big for me to ignore

She said she was practicing for Chinese flag bearing but my place is too small for that

Last night the Grim Reaper came for me, but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with Death.

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They say make-up sex is the best, which is good for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

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For me, sex is like a game

Single player

I used to think drinking was bad for me,

So i gave up thinking.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard because

I just got laid last night.

One for you, one for me

On the outskirts of a small Panhandle town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out  of sight, and began dividing the nuts.  “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,”  said one boy. Severa...

Crown for me

Dentist: "You need a crown."


Me: "Finally someone who understands me."

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I told my sister to come work for me at my porn company and that last year I made $1 million. She said that’s gross.

I said “no, that’s net.”

Why is it so hard for me to get karma?

Apparently for everyone else, it's a piece of cake.

(It is my understanding that you must post something on your cake day).

The amount of work it took for me to deliver the joke wasn't worth the final result.

I'm sure my mom can sympathize.

Even though we live through a pandemic at the moment, it is literally impossible for me to become bedridden!

I just cant afford one.

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.

He replies, “They had avocados.”

Middle school for me was like Charles Darwin…

Naturally, I wasn’t selected by anybody.

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My wife thinks its sexy to answer the door for me wearing nothing but my shirt..

But when I did the same wearing her dress, I now have to have a 'talk' with a psychologist..

A Message to my Father: "You were never there for me growing up, but without you, I guess I wouldn't even exist. So...

Thanks for nuttin', Dad."

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

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The prostitute I booked last night didn't have enough time for me.

They just blew me off.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me..

We all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't f...

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

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Had a plumber install a toilet for me and he was a really nice gentlemen.

I feel terrible knowing I’m shitting all over his hard work.

Someone asked me how being mute was going for me.

Can't complain.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

It was easy for me to learn braille

Once I got a feel for it.

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Me: It's really hard for me to believe they are still together after all the shit they've been through.

Friend: Who?

Me: Your ass cheeks.

It takes 5 minutes for me to walk to my pub and 15 for me to walk back.

The difference is staggering.

My wife suggested a new hobby for me

DIY Wednesday

One for me, One for you

There were 2 boys at a church picking apples, They jumped over a church wall, but they dropped two apples, and they started sharing them out. One for me, one for you. A drunk man heard the two kids.Scared, he ran to the vicar and woke him up.
He screamed, “Devil and God are sharing bodies!Come Qu...

I was in a field and this farmer came up to me and said " I got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ?"...

I said "Sure, 70" ...

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I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.

My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

For me everday is cake day

And sometimes cake morning
And cake afternoon
And cake evening


I just like cake

It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now...

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

Ever since becoming paralyzed in a car crash, my wife has had to do everything for me.

Including wiping my ass, feeding me and all of the house work.

But still, we just thank god she survived the crash.

A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"

"Anything" replied his wife.

The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son...

My girlfriend is insisting on a shower cap for me.

Apparently 8 a day is too many.

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

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For some, looks are the most sexually appealing trait, while others are turned on by personality. But for me it’s all relative.

Relatives*

One girl just told me she has feelings for me

As examples she mentioned irritation and vicarious embarrassment.

I don't think it's possible for me to become a sniper.

Not by a long shot!

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Every time my girlfriend climaxes during sex she blurts out the ending of a movie or a show and ends up spoiling it for me.

I really wish I could get her to stop cumming to conclusions.

I got a guy who makes false teeth for me.

He's an indentured servant.

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After My wife passed away it took a long time for me to be able to have sex with another woman.

I guess I had mourning wood.

I taught my young daugther to switch out the discs in my PS4 for me.

It was a real game changer.

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No filter for me

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
...

"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."

He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.

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For me, getting girls is like spreading butter...

It's much easier with a knife.

I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me.

He was as good as his word. The funeral is Thursday.

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As a married man it’s hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

Me: Thanks for always being there for me. *leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: Sir, please just pay for your stuff and leave.

Doctor, How long will it take for me to recover from this accident?

Doctor: Physically 6 months and financially 12 years

whenever i needed help, my Mexican friend is always there for me.

He is Juan hell of a guy.

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I found that amputee porn wasn't for me

There was just something missing...

Cashiers have a thing for me.

They keep checking me out.

I told my friend that I never knew that Rage Against the Machine was so political, and that it really ruined the music for me.

He looked at me deadpan and asked, "What machine did you think they were raging against, the dishwasher?

Karen: Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

Tucker: You don’t need make-up, Karen.

Karen: Oh, Tucker…. really? That is so sweet of you!

Tucker: You need plastic surgery.

I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed.

The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

A Father’s Day joke my 8 year old son made up for me today - Why are you so special to Mario?

You’re the first 1-up in the morning!

It’s time for me to stop second-guessing myself!

Or, you know what, never mind.

This is hard for me to say

worcestershire sauce

I'd like to thank my boyfriend for translating "mucho" for me

It means a lot

Communism doesn't work for me.

It works for us.

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Sorting out my shit for me! [Long]

Moe owns a bar, and he has been finding it really hard to manage the bar and take care of his personal life. Things are just piling up and getting on top of him. Recently his Aunt got divorced and so she has been sitting at the end of the bar drinking away his profits, his Rottweiler Chomper has jus...

I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me

But then I had a change of heart

Life for me is always like a credit card

I'm always getting used and denied

When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point.

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

Just water for me, please

An American, an Irishman and a Dutchman are spending the day at a beer festival I Germany. After a long day, they end up at a local pub near their hotel. The bartender asks the American what he will have. – I'll have a Budweiser, he answered, the best beer in the world. Next to be asked was the Dutc...

My wife opened my car door for me

It would’ve been a nice gesture if we hadn’t been going 70 miles per hour.

[My wife translated his joke for me from arabic]

A woman's husband had to go to a hospital in Sweden for his advanced sickness and the woman goes to her friend for comfort. She says to her friend, "I know he is sick, but he has been so sweet...he's been asking for pictures of me everyday". The friend then says, "that's surprising because I heard ...

My dentist said mouthwash was good for me

So I went home and drank the whole bottle




So far I have only posted OC that I thought of in this sub, I want to keep that going. If this is a repost, please reply as so and I will take it down.

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Sex is like a video game for me.

I usually just watch gameplay footage of it but never actually play it myself.

Ramadhan starts tomorrow for me, so here a joke

There were two white christian men, Trump and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a ...

Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me, because it's comfortable...

Who cares if you can see my balls?

My dad always made me feel special because he made up knock knock jokes just for me, but I couldn't always understand them.

Last time I saw him he said:

> Knock knock

Who's there?

> You're a mountain

You're a mountain, who?

> You're a mountain to nothing, son!

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

Fifty Shades of Grey is an everyday occurrence for me.

After all, I'm a dog.

This stock market crash is worse for me than a divorce

I lost half my net worth, but still have a wife.

This is an awfully hard time for me financially.

Last month I was unable to pay the bills to my exorcist and as a consequence I have been repossessed.

A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me

So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.

It's hard for me to drive my car with loose wheels this month.

Afterall, it is No Nut November!

2020 has been a great year for me, personally. My dental hygiene is better than ever!

I got tired of smelling my own breath through this damn MASK!

Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

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I may not have much else going for me, but at least I know I've got a cute butt.

Whenever I finish talking to a woman and I start to walk away they always say, "Finally! Thank you!"

You're welcome, ladies.

It's hurts for me to say this...

But I have a sore throat.

Doctor says banana is good for preventing constipation. It didn't work for me

...until I found out that he meant I should eat the banana.

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I walled into the bedroom to find that my wife had laid out a kinky outfit for me.

She's shit at ironing.

Dogs: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...they must be gods"

Cats: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...I must be a god."

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

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3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.



I gave my catalyst.

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On finding his bride to be a virgin, a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".

Bride: Kiss my ass.

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