What's made of leather, is about a foot long and sounds like a sneeze?

A Shoe.

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What's 6 foot long, vibrates and turns a small penis into a giant prick?

A motorcycle.

TIFU when I brought my pregnant wife home a meatball foot long instead of the teriyaki chicken she asked for

Whoops, wrong sub.

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[nsfw] so apparently adult male whales have a 10 foot long penis when fully erect

The only thing i dont get is how rebel wilson fits it in her pants

As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.

"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

What is a foot long and slippery?

A slipper!

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I bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for my Halloween decoration today.

The store assistant asked me, 'Are you going to put it up yourself?'

'No, you sick fuck, it's going in my living room,' I replied.

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What's 60 foot long and stinks of piss?

A geriatric conga line

Ever hear the one about the guy who played a foot long piano?

Me neither, there's nothing funny about a twelve inch pianist.

Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

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I call my dick “the five dollar foot long”

And just like the sandwiches, it’s a product name and is in no way indicative of the size

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Guy has a two-foot long dick...

And he thinks it is way too big, and he looks for ways to make it smaller. One day, he finds out about a witch in the woods who can solve his problem.

When he went to the witch, she told him to look for a frog by the stream and ask the frog to have sex with him. The frog will say no, and his ...

Whats the average man got in common with subway foot longs ?

they're always a little smaller than they say.

A reddit user goes to order a foot long sandwich...

The sandwich maker asks, "What would you like on your sandwich?"

The user says, "Oh, I like anything on a sub, except for mayonnaise and reposts"

TIFU by putting ham in a muslim lady's foot long

Whoops wrong sub

Edit: Apparently this is the original version of the joke https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qmkf0/tifu_by_mixing_up_by_wifes_sandwich_order_at/

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What does a man with a foot long cock eat for breakfast?

Well, this morning I had a hard boiled egg.

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A russian, an american and a dane are drinking beer, and get into a bragging contest.

The russian says: "Our navy is so large that if all the ships set out to sea at once, the fish in the ocean won't have a single spot where they can reach the surface"

The american looks sceptically at him and says: "Well, our mighty airforce is so large that if all the planes take off at once...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

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Pool Party

A rich North Carolina man had a party and invited all his neighbors, including Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating and flirting with all the women. The host said, "I have...

I was in Subway the Other Day

Ordering a foot long and I said to the girl behind the counter 'do you know what else is 12 inches?'
Before she could respond, I grabbed my crotch and said '4 of these!'

American/Russian dog fight

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the...

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Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly ea...

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Little Johnny was out fishing with his dad.

They cast their lines and his dad lights up a smoke. Little Johnny looks over and says, "Hey dad, can I take a drag on that?".

His dad looks over and says, "Son, does your dick touch your arse?"

"No."

"Then you're not a man and you cannot have a cigarette."

His dad then p...

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What do call a cheap male pornstar

5$ foot long.

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A Farmer and his wife...

A farmer and his wife were sitting on the front porch enjoying the cool summer evening, when a flying saucer lands in the front yard, a door drops down, an Martian man and woman step off the spacecraft and introduce themselves to the country couple, after a long evening of enjoyable conversation the...

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(NSFW) Guy walks into the Doctors Office and says....

"DDDDDoc, I've beeeeen stutttttttering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. Cccccan yyyou helllp me?"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.

The guy says, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc...

Two thieves go to the church with their loot to confess..

.. their sins to the lord. They both decide to offer some part of the gold they robbed to the church to wash away their wrongdoings. But they couldn't decide how much of each of their loots to offer.

The first one thinks for a minute, draws a foot long circle on the floor and says, "Oh lord, ...

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator on a leash... (NSFW)

As he walks in, all the patrons of the bar gasp.

The man then says, "Relax. He is very trained. Here; watch!"
He plops his 5 foot long pet alligator on the bar counter and says, "Open!"
The alligator's mouth opens wide, then the man unzips his pants and proceeds to stick his d*ck in it....

Deaf Genie

A guy walks into a bar into a strange scene, a foot long pianist on the bar in front of a customer staring at the pianist.

Minding his own business, he pulls a stool beside him and calls to the bartender "give me the most special order you have, it's a special day" he says.

The bartend...

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A man was stopped for speeding

A man was driving along an overpass and was caught in a speed trap by a police officer with a radar gun. He admitted he was speeding, apologized, and told the officer that the reason he was speeding was that he did not want to be late for work. The officer wrote the ticket, explained the details of ...

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A man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs it and suddenly a genie appears.

"Tell me your wish." The genie booms.

The man, who was a frequent viewer of r/Jokes knew that this genie would not be as it seems. It had to have some sort of drawback. He decides to test the genie's abilities.

"Is there going to be a cat...

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his ...

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

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An old man and his lawyer have a meeting with an IRS agent.

They sit down in his office as the agent pulls out the man's tax records. "it says that the majority of your income is made by gambling, how do you manage that?". The man replies "I'll show you; I will bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eyeball." The agent thinks a minute and then agrees to the be...

A guy walks into a bar carrying a small box

A guy walks into a bar carrying a small box, sits at a bar stool and starts quietly drinking his beer. After a short while the bartender approaches and asks about the box the man is carrying. The man replies “pay my tab for the night and I’ll show you what’s in the box”... the bartender (after think...

So there's this big game hunter...

He was getting up there in age, so he decided he was going to go on one last trophy hunt for something he didn't have, a polar bear.

This hunter traveled up north and is talking to an inuit tribe. He says he wants to go after the largest part bear they've seen.

One man says, "Six feet ...

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A flying saucer lands in the middle of a farm one evening...

The farmer and his wife witness the landing and decide to investigate, discovering a male and female Martian couple aboard the craft. Being friendly, the farm couple invites the Martians to dinner back at the farmhouse.

One glass of wine turns into several, the conversation turns raunchy, and...

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Death or Kutomba? [possibly NSFW]

Three men go hunting in jungles of central Africa. Unfortunately, they get caught by the local tribes.


Tribal Chief to the first man," Do you want death or Kutomba?"
The man thinks, anything is better than death.

He replies,"Kutomba."

Immediately he is grabbed by other ...

Took a girl with severe OCD to subway..

and bought her a footlong sandwich. With cat like reflexes and a crazed look in her eyes she quickly slammed the sandwich on the table and whipped out a tape measure from her purse.

"I need to see if this is actually one foot long!" she giggled like a nervous school girl.

She pulled ...

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Blind Carpenter

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."The foreman says ...

What do Subway and I have in common?

We both advertise a healthy foot long, but it's really only 7 - 8 at most

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Mr. Smith died (Rus. Trans.)

A doctor comes to work one day, and sees one of the nurses crying.
"Why are you crying, Mary?" he asks her.
"Don't you know doctor? Mr. Smith died."
The doctor doesn't know who Mr. Smith is, so he asks the nurse but she just goes on crying.
The doctor, mystified, goes to his office, and ...

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John and Bill were fishing

John wants to have a cigarette. He reaches into his pocket and realizes he forgot his lighter. He turns to Bill and says, "hey man, I forgot my lighter. Do you have one?" Bill reaches into his fishing bag and pulls out a huge lighter, at least a foot long. Amazed at the size of the lighter, John sa...

Another fart joke that includes a doctor

A man goes to the doctor to tell him about his recent extreme flatulence. He is constantly farting as he tells the doctor about his problem.

At one point, the Doctor excuses himself, leaves the room and comes back with a six foot long pole with a hook on the end.

The man says "WHAT AR...

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