UPJOKE

Fly Away Jokes

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

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Why did the condom fly away?

It got pissed off.

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over ...

You all thought it too...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," ...

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

A flash flood warning is broadcasted. The streets fill with water, and people begin to evacuate—except for one Catholic woman.

She stays in her home and prays. A bus pulls up to her house, and the driver urges her to get out, but she replies, “No. God will save me.” The bus driver reluctantly pulls away.

Water begins pooling into her house, and she calmly rises to the second floor.

Through the window, she sees...

I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
...

I like the way you think!

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"
One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away....

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Me and my friends were playing truth or dare

Then i got to give a dare so i grabbed a unlabeled CD and told my friend to put his dick in it, he did so and asked why, then i said

"This CD contains a movie with a touching story about a old man that loses his wife and best friend so he decides to fly away with his house using balloons but ...

Crows are super smart

There was a study conducted on crows using cars to crack open nuts. They'd place the nut on the road during a red light, let the cars run over the nuts, and then retrieve them during the next red light.

The study also found a second interesting discovery, there were a large number of crows ...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

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Another moral story: You’re Full Of Shit

One day there was a fly that was flying around in a barn when he noticed a huge fresh pile of shit sitting on the barn floor. Fly lands and starts eating.

He eats some more, and then he ate even more. Even when he knew he was finished he still ate more.

Once he was actually done he tr...

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Little Johnny is learning math in Mrs. Smith’s 4 grade class...

Mrs Smith asks little Johnny,

“If there are 5 pigeons on a fence and a farmer shoots one, how many are left?”

“None, as the rest would fly away!”

“No little Johnny, there would be 4, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny then got peeved so he asked Mrs. Smith,
<...

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

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A guy applies for a job at a circus

Manager:"What are your talents?"
Guy:"I can imitate a crow really well!!"
Manager:"Sorry i don't think you can be of use to us"
Guy:"Shit, i was sure i would get the job, well ok then, bye" proceedes to turn around and fly away

Big city teacher gets a job in rural Alabama. One room school, all grades...

A teacher is having trouble getting one of her troublesome students to learn basic math so she tries a new tack.

She asks the kid, "If there are 3 crows on a telephone line and a farmer comes out and shoots one, how many are left?"

Troublesome kid says "none".

She replies "3 ...

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Superman is out flying one night when he sees wonder woman lying naked on a roof.

Seeing her naked body turns him on and he thinks to himself "I could probably fly down, fuck her, and fly away real fast without her noticing."

So he swoops down and does his deed and as he flies away wonder woman says "what was that wooshing sound?"

The invisible man answers "I don't ...

A teacher was concerned about the progress of one of her students

Billy was in the third grade but he was still having trouble with basic maths problems. His teacher noticed this and offered to help Billy work on his maths with some 1 on 1 tutoring. She begins by asking him "Billy, if there are 3 birds in the tree and your daddy comes along and shoots one of them,...

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An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. Each one orders a pint. Three flies land, one on each glass.

The American gags and pushes his drink away. The Englishman shrugs, flicks the fly away, and drinks the beer. The Irishman picks up the fly, shakes it up and down, and shouts, "Spit it out, fucker!"

Jesus, Moses and a very old guy.

Jesus, Moses and a very old man are playing golf. At the first 
hole there was a water puddle aprox 10 ft. from the hole. The first one 
to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right 
for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split 
down...

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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

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So Superman is flying over metropolis...

when he looks down and spots Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on a roof top. He thinks to himself 'well I'm faster than a speeding bullet I can swoop down and smash that wonder pussy and fly away so fast she won't know what hit her'. So he flys down super quick and pumps the pussy and flys away. Wonder...

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Superman is flying around the world when he sees WonderWoman tanning on the beach....

He notices that she's naked and spread eagle and has a thought.

Superman: I bet I could fly down there and have sex with her and fly away before she even knew it.
So like a depraved bastard he does exactly that and hears a conversation as he flies away.

Wonderwoman: Did you feel tha...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man play golf

On the tenth hole Moses hits the ball first but the ball cuts and heads towards the pond, quickly Moses jams his club into the ground and the water parts and the ball lands on the bottom of the pond on dry ground.

Next Jesus goes and likewise the ball heads towards the pond but as it hits the...

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A rabbit needs to shit in the woods...

... but the animals have agreed in the sake of understandable issues not to crap all over the place where they live. And let me tell you they also appointed the local police-bear to watch out for any rule-breakers.

Still, the rabbit is feeling a very hard urge to let go a few of his brown dr...

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A joke told to me by my psychology professor...

I'll start by letting you know the backstory to this. It was the first day of class and my professor was giving a brief overview of physiological studies and theories. He then went into a very long description of a supposed psychologist who studied the training of dolphins and it went something like...

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Three friends, Harry, Dick, an Billy were stranded on an island

They stumble upon a genie lamp, who proceeds to give them each a wish.

Harry, being the smartest of the group, says, "I wish to have the power to change into a bird so I can fly away."

So Harry flies away.

Dick, being somewhat smart, says, 'I want to become a bird and fly away!"...

A threesome of golfers approaches the tee...

The first golfer is Jesus. Jesus takes a swing and the ball sails directly into the water. Jesus' ball doesn't sink, and he walks across the water's surface and takes his second swing. The ball drops on the green.

The second golfer is Moses. He takes a mighty whack at the ball, but it also la...

Have you ever smelled mothballs?

It's hard to get your head in there before they fly away.

Little Jonny is having a difficult time with the math lesson so...

The teacher, Miss Cooper decides to use a situation that little Jonny can relate to. She knows little Jonny likes to hunt birds so she asks little Jonny "if there are if 5 birds on a wooden fence and you shoot one how many are left"? Little Jonny replies "none" once you shoot one the other birds fly...

Maths class and the teacher asks the class a question

'Children, how many pigeons will we have when there are three of them sitting on a branch and we shoot one?'

Little Johnny raises his hand eagerly.

'None, of course.'

'What do you mean, none?' asks Miss Carpenter, the teacher.

'Because if we shoot one, the rest will get s...

So a crow sits alone in a park...

A single crow sits alone on one of the many benches in the park. Suddenly a second crow comes along and lands next to the one crow. The two crows exchange a mild conversation until they spot a third crow flying overhead. Suddenly they begin to yell at the other crow until it too lands on the bench, ...

Dead crows

There were many dead crows on highways in the Rocky Mountains this year. Ornithologists suspected it was due to vehicles hitting the crows.

This was surprising because crows have adapted to feeding on carcasses by having two birds watching from the trees while two birds feed. If there is a v...

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Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...

so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly ...

Hey! What's up?

A heartwarming animated film about a boy, an old man, and his dog who all fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.

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Superman decides to take the day off...

He hasn't taken a day off in a while and doesn't know what to do, so he calls Batman to see if he can hang out. Batman tells him unfortunately the Batmobile needs some repairs and he has to stay in. Green lantern is busy too.

Feeling bored and unsure what to do with himself, Superman begins ...

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A farmer couple is visited by aliens

Two space aliens, a male and a female, land their ship in the middle of a farm and meet the husband and wife who own it. They start talking and the farmers put them up in their house for a few weeks. They exchange stories about culture and technology. On the last night before the aliens depart, the ...

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Poor peasant and his lunch

There was a peasant who owned a small land for cultivation. He was a very modest man, living a peaceful life. Everytime he was leaving for work in the field, his wife would make him very delicious sandwiches. The sandwiches were made out of fresh baked bread, with homemade butter, cheese, ham, and f...

Little Billy in Math class

Little Billy was in math class and the teacher asked, 'If there are 4 birds on a telephone wire, and the farmer shoots one of them off, how many are left?' Little Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, 'Yes Billy?' Little Billy says 'Zero! Because when the farmer shoots the other bir...

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