UPJOKE

What do you call a five foot psychic that's escaped from jail?

A small medium at large.

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...

Miss USA

The Sociology professor was explaining how society's ideals of beauty change
with time.

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five foot,
one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do
you think she'd do in today's ve...

Mr. Johnson went to his doctor's office to have a physical exam done. The nurse asked, "How tall are you?"

"I'm about six foot two," said Mr. Johnson. The nurse measured him and found that he was only five foot six.

"How much do you weigh?" asked the nurse.

"Around 150 pounds." The nurse weighed him and found that he weighed 200 pounds.

Then she took his blood pressure. "Your blood p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bucket Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."


The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."


The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." <...

Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. “Um ... 22.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And ...

A wife goes to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband is missing.

The policeman asks for a description. She says, “He’s thirty-five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”



The next-door neighbor protests, “Your husband is five foot four, chubby, bald...

A young man wakes up in a hospital.

He sees an older genteleman, standing by his bed, who asks him "How tall are you, son?"

The man replies " Five foot ten, doctor"

The older man, looking confused, says "Oh, I'm not the doctor, I'm the carpenter"

A husband went to the sheriffs department to report his wife missing.

A husband went to the sheriffs department to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing she went shopping yesterday and hasn't come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure a little over five foot tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband:...

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

A Small Man Goes to Oregon to become a Lumberjack

The Small Man walks up to the Foreman and says, "I want a Job as a Lumberjack"

The Foreman says, "How big are you?"

Small Man "Five Foot-Four Inches and 90 pounds"

Foreman "No chance; you are far too small to be a Lumberjack on my Crew"

Small man replies "But I'm the best...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My visit to a redneck strip club (NSFW)

I was driving through America and I was getting tired so I parked my UHaul at motel and noticed that there was a strip club next door. Being bored and having some time to kill -I went next door and found an empty seat in front of a pole dancer.

The guy next to me was this really burly guy wi...

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