UPJOKE

First Time Jokes

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

A keen hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.

He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."

Of ...

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

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First time

Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed.


Husband : What? You had three divorces before.


Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it.


Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it.

And the third was an engineer. He wante...

My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the s...

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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.

Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house.

Hesitatingly he started ...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

An Armenian takes his son hunting with him for the first time.

\- I don't understand, Daddy, - the son says. - How are you going to hunt? You have no gun with you, no traps, no net even...

\- Ah, son, you don't know what our Armenian jinx is like. There, look, a rabbit is sitting under that bush. Such a strong, healthy little rabbit, such shiny fur it ha...

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the moo...

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

Alabama has reported more deaths than births for the first time in it's history

Makes sense considering family get togethers have been restricted

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the very first time.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

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A man calls his girlfriend into his room for the first time

He says, "I have a problem with my penis, but you have to promise not to laugh"

She promises not to.

He shows her his penis. Its so small, she loses her calm and starts laughing so hard she falls down.

The man is now angry at her because she said that she wouldn't laugh at it. S...

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom and my girlfriend said, “This is a bit awkward.”

I said, “Just ignore them.”

Today, my wife apologised to me for the first time ever...

She said, she's sorry she ever married me.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"

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First time I had sex I thought

'Mmm, this feels expensive'

I saw my girlfriend naked for the first time and genuinely loved it. (Nsfw)

Although saying "This was a lot to take in" wasn't the right choice of words.

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What’s the Worst Thing a Woman Can Ask a Man Their First Time Having Sex Together?

Is it in yet?

What’s the second worst thing she can ask immediately after?

Is it all the way in?

[Long] First time buying condoms

When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.

"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked

"I would like a demonstration", I replied....

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A woman is at her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf....

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A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

A man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. He doesn't have a car, so he decides to get a bike so he doesn't look like a complete loser.

At the bike shop, the owner holds up some Vaseline and says, "if it ever rains, make sure you put this on the bike to protect it".

...

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A veteran was telling his friend about the first time he jumped out of an airplane.

I was at the door and ready to jump when suddenly i froze in terror. The Sargent came up and screamed “if you don’t jump right now I’m shoving my dick right up your ass”. His friend asked “well, did you jump?” The veteran said “yeah, a little bit at first”

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A boy meets a girl's father for the first time

A boy comes over to his girlfriend's house so he could take her out to a dance. There he meets her father for the first time. As the girlfriend gets ready, the boy nervously takes a seat in the living room with the father. No words are spoken as the boy waits, clearly intimidated by the older man. F...

I went to an Irish pub for the first time.

It was St. Patrick's Day and they were having an all-day happy hour. Half-price Guinness all day. Who could resist?

So I walk in, and I hear a lot of conversations around me, and I notice pretty much all of the people in there are Irish. Well, I don't wanna stick out like a sore thumb, so I d...

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A young man visits his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

He and his girlfriend's father are sitting in the living room while the girls make dinner. At the foot of the boyfriend's chair lies the family dog, Rover. After a few minutes, the young man feels the uge to fart. Unable to hold it in, he attempts to let it out silently, but it comes out audible. ...

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A boy meet his girlfriend's father for the first time....

A highschool boy drives over to pick up his girlfriend, her father answers the door along with an old dog.

The boy is asked to sit and wait, but he is very nervous and becomes gassy. (Thankfully I am sitting right next to the dog he thinks to himself)

The boy lets out a silent but stin...

My first time travelling by air

Was from a mango tree to the ground

Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said well take these drinks to table. 10.

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My first time having sex was like a 100m sprint..

There were 8 black guys and a gun.

A woman named Lorraine Lee introduced her boyfriend, Frank, to her family for the first time.

As Frank greeted Mr. and Mrs. Lee, Lorraine's stunning sister, Claire, whispered something to him. Curious and suspicious, Lorraine decided to check on them and found Frank and Claire in bed together. Lorraine confronted Frank, who pleaded for another chance. Reluctantly, Lorraine agreed, but made i...

A young bride is in bed with her husband for the first time.

When they get naked she notices that he has a club foot. Nervously she leaves the room and calls her mother.

“Mom, Frank has a foot and a half.”

The mom responds, “I’ll be right there. This sounds like a job for momma!”

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

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Two Army paratrooper recruits are talking about their first time jumping out of a plane.

FNG 1: How was your first jump today?

FNG 2: Well... I stood in front of the open door looking at the Earth flying by and turned to the Jump Master telling him that I couldn't do it. The JM said if I don't jump then he would fuck me in the ass.

FNG 1: Did you Jump???

FNG 2: A l...

After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

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The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it

So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot

Our first time out on our new yacht...

Me: *Raises glass* To our new yakt!

Her: The "c" is silent.

Me:*staring out at the horizon * Yes, it's very tranquil tonight.

My first time. [SFW]

The sky was dark, the moon was high. All alone just she and I. Her hair was soft, her eyes were blue, I knew just what she wanted to do. Her skin so soft, Her legs so fine. I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn't know how, but I tried my best I placed my hand upon her breast. I remember my fear, m...

I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

So I tried cat for the first time yesterday

Just kitten

Making love for the first time

Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical"

so after we made love

***i disappeared***

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Swearing for the first time

A 5 yr old was in his room with his 3 yr old brother. He says "Charlie, I think we should start swearing.. If everyone else can do it, so can we". So they go downstairs to breakfast, where their mother is waiting for them. She asks what they would like for breakfast. The 5 yr old says "Coco pops, bi...

When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.

I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away

Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.

They still got in.

Adam and Eve are walking through the Garden of Eden for the first time

They marvel at the beauty. Waterfalls, beautiful plants, trees, and animals, and an incredible sky are the things they look at and enjoy. Adam looks past God and sees a woman standing there. With Eve next to him, he wonders who it is. He asks God "who is that standing there?" God turns and Queen Eli...

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Just before my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time...

I told her I was gonna give her 9 inches. Just as long as she was willing to take 3 inch payments

My blind friend just tried LSD for the first time...

There was more tripping than usual.

I let my daughter touch a fork for the first time.

Where she put it was shocking.

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What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

I remember the first time I went to my girlfriends house and her dad didn’t let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he’s very attractive

Two ancient priests are meeting again for the first time in years...

First Priest: "Greetings brother. I trust you have been well."

Second Priest: "I have. Though I must tell you, I am now in the service of a new god. He is greater and more worthy of worship than any of our old pantheon."

First Priest: "No way..."

Second Priest: "Yaweh."

Did you hear about the first time offender who was in to BDSM?

He got off with nothing but a slap on the wrist.

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

A guy is having dinner with his girlfriend's parents for the first time

As he's about to devour the soup, he sees his mother in law looking at him with an angry face.

She says:

- When you're at home, don't you always pray before you start eating?

He answers:

- No ma'am, my mom is a really good cook.

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A biologist, physicist, and a chemist all go to the beach for the first time.

The physicist, upon seeing the majestic waves, exclaims,
"Behold! I wonder how much force the waves of the ocean can produce?"

And so he dives into the water but is never seen again.


The biologist, upon seeing fish in the water, cries out,
"I wonder how many life forms live i...

A man goes to prison for the first time

A man is sent to prison for the first time.

 

The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"

 

The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody...

I am going to meet my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad is a policeman. She ask me to bring something to impress her dad.

So I brought in 2 suspects

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First time deer hunter

Two deer hunters went hunting one morning and it was the first hunt for one of them. The seasoned hunter told the newbie to set here at this tree and don't move no matter what happens or you will scare the deer away. Okay I won't move the newbie said. After several hours the seasoned hunter mad...

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A girl was meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time

Unfortunately she was dealing with a severely upset stomach. As they were seated around the dinner table she had to try and release some of the crippling pressure, and decided to let out a little gas quietly. Her "little" fart resulted in a squeak audible enough that everyone at the table heard. The...

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A guy brings a tub of Vaseline to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

A guy and his girlfriend have plans to go to her parents' house for dinner so he can meet them for the first time.

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The same week, he buys his first motorcycle. He asks the seller for any tips to maintain the motorcycle and is told "When it rains, put a thin layer of Vaseline...

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

A girl brings her new fiance home to meet her parents for the very first time.

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.

Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"

Fia...

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I had sex with my new girlfriend for the first time last night.

When we finished, she rolled off of me and said "wow, you're by far the biggest I've ever had!" Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

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Where do plants go after having sex for the first time?

Plant Parenthood

I hit a minor for the first time today

I think I will like playing the guitar

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Son- “Dad I had sex for the first time tonight”

Dad-“ That’s great... sit down and tell me all about it”

Son-“I can’t, my butt still hurts!”

I was nervous the first time I gave a cow, weed

The steaks were high

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From the first time I used it, I knew I'd bought the right toilet

It was love at first shite

What did the Trout say when it tasted nightcrawler for the first time?

I’m hooked!

My first time bungee jumping.

*Licks lips nervously*

Me: This is my first time bungee jumping.

Instructor: Can you please stop licking my lips.

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A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.

He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them and then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in he overhears three of the older farmers talking.

"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says...

I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time.

"Excuse me, I just need the toilet," I said, excusing myself from the table.

"Don't forget to spray the air freshener!" replied the dad.

I said, "No need. Cocaine doesn't smell."

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After having sex for the first time...

After having sex for the first time the girl I was with complained. "I thought you said you could perform like a professional athlete!"

"Hey", I responded, "Don't judge. Bullriders **are** professional athletes!"

I just got laid for the first time today.

They told me they'd never had anyone whose performance was so bad despite every position we tried. This was the last thing I could think of to try to earn a living and now I don't know what to do.

First time horseback riding. I almost died!

I had a friend ask if I wanted to go horseback riding. I've never been so I said yes!

I got on the back of this horse and it turns out when you are on the back of a horse it feels like you are going faster than if you were in a car.

Me and this horse started going and It felt like I ...

So I tried Colgate for the first time.. was not impressed-

The tube said 'Guaranteed whiteness in 3 brushes". 3 brushes later, I'm still Asian.

(Speaking of still Asians, my grandma's a quadriplegic. She's a pretty still Asian)

First time in Vegas

I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didnt even use them! She said “Well they were here and available and you cou...

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

German tourists are travelling to USSR for the first time

They decide to go by train to see the scenery. After few hours the train stops. The train just stands there for 4 hours without any sign of moving. Eventually one of the Germans approaches the conductor and asks, what is happening:

''The driver is exchanging the locomotive''

''For 4 ho...

I went skiing for the first time

I became a tree hugger

Your mom went outside for the first time in 38 years...

Everyone just called it an eclipse though.

What did Tommy Wiseau say when he tried pegging for the first time?

"You're tearing me apart Lisa!"

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time

I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

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First time

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 5 husbands.  On their wedding night she told him, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"How can that be with all your marriages?"

"Husband #1 was an Engineer, he understood the process, but wanted three years to resea...

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

The first time I tried parachuting...

The scariest thing happened on my first parachuting lesson. The first time you jump, you get harnessed to the Instructor.

As I plummeted through the air, waiting for the instructor to open the parachute, he turned to me and asked

"So, how long have you been an Instructor for?"

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

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My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

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...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

Two fishermen from Texas decide to try ice fishing for the first time

They drive up to Wisconsin and stop at the tackle shop by the lake side. One fisherman buys a couple of ice picks and leaves while the other buys some bait. A little while later, the first fisherman comes back and buys 6 more ice picks, which the shop keeper is happy to supply, but is a little curio...

I just made money for the first time as a programmer

I sold my laptop

A chemist goes to England for the first time

He walks into a crowded restaurant in the suburbs. He realizes he starts to get really hot, and as he wipes the sweat of his forehead he asks his waiter:

“Why is it so humid in here?”

The waiter responds “Lots of people have been moving from London recently, and everywhere is getting h...

Shaved for the first time in a while.

Feels like I'm jacking off a new man.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his Tomato seeds after watering them for the first time?

You have been germinated.

Haddaway didn't understood the vocabulary used in tennis the first time he saw a match.

He asked "What is love ?"

I just watched that Frida Kahlo movie for the first time.

She really raised some eyebrows back then.

My first time in the gym went really well!

I did 20 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes on the defibrillator and 3 days in hospital!

A woman goes to a new dentist for the first time.

When she sees his name on the diploma, she thinks she must've gone to high school with this guy. Then she sees him and thinks it couldn't possibly be the same guy. This overweight, balding guy with wrinkles on his face and tobacco stains down the front of his shirt. But she sits in the big chair and...

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What did the homosexual say after his first time?

He said "i never did shit like that before".

The first time I went to Starbucks..

The man getting served in front of me asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."

The guy was fuming. "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged. "Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling.

I went to the counter an...

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What does having sex for the first time and snow have in common?

You don't know how many inches you'll get and how long it will last

A family of country bumpkins visit the big city for the first time.

A family of farmers--Ma, Pa, and their son Jim--take a trip to the city and walk into a shopping mall for the first time. They gape in awe at all the shiny surfaces and gleaming store windows full of fancy objects. Before long, the boys wander off and leave Ma ogling a kiosk of crystal jewelry.
<...

Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?

It was a Wookiee mistake.

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

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