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First Thing Jokes

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First thing Trump does as President...

Is kick a Black man out of his house.

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

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Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

I shouldn’t have bought this piece of shit from IKEA.

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

What’s the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?

Emptied his sack.




(Compliments of my 7 year old son)



Edit - No he did not understand what he was saying and Yes we did tell him not to repeat it.

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Whats the first thing you do after sex?

Finish the autopsy while reminding myself that one moment of weakness does not make me a bad vet.

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The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.

What's the first thing you know?

Old Jed's a millionaire.

Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman..

Because if she doesn’t have THAT, I may just have a chance.

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

"Stand back. I don't know how big its going to get!"

What's the first thing Batman does when he wakes up?

He goes to the Batroom.

What's the first thing a young witch learns?

How to spell.

English teacher: What is the first thing you do if you become ill?

Foreign student: I go to bed.

English teacher: No, before that?

Foreign student: I take off my clothes, of course!

English teacher: No, no, do you visit the doctor?

Foreign student: No! No doctors! I don't like doctors! My uncle went to doctor with chest pain, doctor said...

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

My dad always told me, “Do what you hate the most the first thing in the morning and get it out of the way.”

Every year, he calls me on my birthday at 6 a.m..

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I've just finished my time machine, and the first thing I'm going to do...

...you know, I'm sick of all these trashy paintings by Adolf Hitler, I'm going to go back and make sure he never gets into art college.

You meet a vegan pilot that's running for senate that went to Havard and does crossfit. What's the first thing they tell you?

"I use Arch btw"

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door

My plumber has a funny sense of humour

What's the first thing in organized ghost does in the morning?

Makes a to boo list

What was the first thing Hellen Keller noticed at the beach?

The volleyball net.

I went to a new doctor and the first thing she said to me was...

"Do you drink, smoke, do any illegal drugs?"

I said "I'm down for whatever, we should hang sometime."

My friend asked me, "What's the first thing you look for in a woman?"

"A pulse is a good start." I said.

What's the first thing a fish thinks of when it swims into a concrete wall?

Dam

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When people say “late husband” or “late wife”, the first thing I think of is..

Where the fuck are they?

"I want your face to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before falling asleep"

"Oh my God! Are you proposing?"

"What? NO! Just setting your photo as my phone wallpaper. Geez!"

I bought a new phone, the first thing I did was push redial...

The phone started having a nervous breakdown.

(The legendary Steven Wright)

When I get a new job the first thing I do is hide

Because good employees are hard to find.

Donald Trump's COVID test was the first thing he got a positive score on

And even then, he didn't understand the material

What is the first thing an Ottawa Senator does after winning the Stanley Cup?

Turn off his Xbox.

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Why does Hillary Clinton want to have sex with Bill first thing in the morning?

She wants to be the first lady.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary..."

... the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish."

He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same.

When the last student ha...

These days I've been checking the news first thing in the morning.

Lately, it's been my mourning routine.

President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon

Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.

Lupin: "Harry, there are two things I need to talk to you about. The first thing is, I'm a werewolf. The second thing is..."

Harry: "Are you f\*\*king serious?"

Lupin: "How did you know?"

First thing on my to-do list: Find a republic.

Czech.

The first thing i notice in a girl are the eyes

If she can see, i already know that I have no chance.

What's the first thing you should do when Nicki Minaj dies?

Turn the radio back on

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?

The topic for my ninth-grade class was palindromes, words or sentences that are the same read forward and backward. I asked the question, "What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?"

I was expecting the answer "Madam, I’m Adam," but one student had a better reply:

"Wow."

What is the first thing French soldiers learn, when joining the military ?

The phrase "I surrender" in german

The first thing I will get if I win the $1B MegaMillions jackpot tonight

A heart attack.

When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Coronavirus, right off the bat.

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Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided the first thing he would do would be..

Trump's new Secretary of Defence decided his first action would be to order a test of how US Air Force planes would hold up in case of a bird-hit. He gave his brother-in-law's poultry business a contract to shoot birds at huge speeds at the latest F-35 at 1,000km/hr. Everyone expected the chicken t...

What’s the first thing you learn working in construction?

Substance abuse

What's the first thing you do if your browser becomes haunted?

Clear all spookies

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

What was the first thing to go through the flys mind after it hit the windshield

Its ass

What’s the first thing you feel when you shoot a civilian?

The recoil of your rifle

You enter Hannibal's bathroom. What's the first thing you see?

Head & Shoulders.

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is

Betty White

Whats the first thing Michael Jackson does when he spawns in on Minecraft?

He punches a trhee-hee

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Men touch their phones first thing in the morning

The balls are second now

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence...

...because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

The first thing I’m gonna say on January 1, 2021 is...

Hindsight is 2020.

What's the first thing a homeless person does when he uses a computer?

Checks recycle bin.

Why did the chicken cross the road first thing in the morning?

To go to Starbawwwks.

- Partial credit to my 5 year old.

An alcoholic walks into a bar, first thing in the morning,

And sits down at the bar. His friend, the bartender says "Whiskey on the rocks, as usual?"
The man responds, "It's too early..."
The bartender is shocked, "Too early for a drink? For you?" He asks, surprised.
The man looks at him and says,
"No, for stupid questions."

What is the last first thing you will ever do?

Die

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A Redditor accidentally trips and sets off an explosion in a precious metal mine. What’s the first thing they say?

Holy crap this blew up!

Uhhh thanks for the gold stranger!

What's the first thing you do when attacked by a gang of clowns?

Go straight for the juggler.

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At the onset of Parkinson's disease, what's the first thing you should do?

Glue your hand to your cock.

Whats the first thing you do if you find your wife having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in the laundry

What's the first thing you do when the strip club is on fire?

You get the hoes out.

What is the first thing stoners do after getting married?

Roll their money into joint accounts.

What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?

She puts her clothes back on and goes home.

The very first thing you learn in life

is how to think outside the box.

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

First thing every morning I punch a brick wall as hard as I can

Because your best days start with break fist.

The first thing to do when you buy a parrot...

Teach it to say...

'HELP IVE BEEN TURNED INTO A PARROT!!!'

What's the first thing Aaron Hernandez learned in prison?

He's not a tight end anymore ;)

What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?

Ewe

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The first thing that develops in a human embryo is the asshole.

Some people just don't grow out of it.

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

Whenever I drink the first thing it affects is my balance

Just look at my bank account.

What's the first thing that goes through your head, when you find yourself in a car accident without a seat belt?

The windshield

What did a Jewish guy do first thing in the morning?

Hebrew coffee

Go easy on me with this pun.

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An Native American boy asked his father why they name the children after the first thing the mother sees after birth.

The father replies, “It’s tradition. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking In Snow?”

If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room...

and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over.

It's big, pink and hard first thing in the morning, and sometimes I get my wife to help me with it.

Anybody else like the *Financial Times* crossword?

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweden.

The first thing he'll do is to assemble his cabinet.

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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room

-and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So...

Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets to the battered shelter?

The dishes if she knows whats good for her.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

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Slept with a bitch in heat last night. She somehow managed to make the entire bed hers, and even had the gall to demand breakfast first thing in the morning.

Really annoying when no one is at home so I have to take care of the dog.

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