UPJOKE

First Place Jokes

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

In first place, this joke needs a cup to work

In second place, France

I won first place in the Biggest Erection contest

I had some stiff competition.

A guy named Ryan Edit won first place in a marathon.

Race director: Here you go, these are for you.

When it comes to corruption in countries Nigeria takes first place and Pakistan comes in second.

I have a feeling that Pakistan bribed Nigeria to take first place…

A man entered a contest for who can last the longest in space. He got first place, so what did he win?

A-trophy

I won the first place in the Politically correct quiz contest

To be fair, so did the rest of them

I won the first place in the Political Correctness Quiz contest..

To be fair,so did everyone else...

Do you know what country is first place?

Finland. They are already at the Finnish line

If you don't get first place in someone's heart

just remember that you got first place in someone's fallopian tube.

Why was Mario interested in Princess Peach in the first place?

He heard she had a plum bum.

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second.

Coincidently, that’s how the Catholic Church ranks it’s priorities.

But why did ET get stuck on Earth in the first place?

He left his phone home

The biggest loser isn’t the one that gets first place in the ‘biggest loser’ competition...

They come second...

Idk but y’all by law have to be nice to me cause it’s my cake day.

A first place winner at the International Pun Contest

A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells he...

I came in first place on the IQ test!

When I got the paper back it said “IQ: 1”.

Why doesn't Kevin Spacey win first place in marathons?

He isn't an athlete and doesn't train for marathons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

All dad wants for Father’s Day is a full day of what made him a dad in the first place

Getting laid.

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

What's the first place Dora explored?

The mexican border.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

I was running a marathon. I was in first place and could see the finish line. I tripped and fell and now all I see is...

De feet

My wife bought a new bra, it's really hard to unhook.

I don't know why I put it on in the first place.

It's 1987 and an Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.

The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative venture is taking place, and that he never expected the English to go to such trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe.

"Oh that's nothing," says the Englishman, "You should have seen the trouble we had digging the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

I spent 30 minutes trying to take off my wife's bra today.

I should never have put in on in the first place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British, American and Russian intelligence services have a spy-off

The rules are simple: a rabbit is released into a forest, and whoever finds and brings it back the fastest, wins.

The Brit goes first. He first phones some arborial informants, then dons a disguise: sporting a pair of bunny ears, a fluffy tail sticking out of his ass, skimpy black dress, full...

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just had to take my son's shitty diaper off.

I'm not entirely sure why I tried it on in the first place.

So a blonde goes to a lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

My grandpa's favorite joke

Two guys are driving from Kansas to Maine and they drive by a sign for Worcester, MA. They both look at eachother and say, 'how the hell do you pronounce that?" The driver says "War-chester", the passanger says, "Nah, its gotta be "wir-ster". They argue a bit and decide that the only way to know for...

My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I don't know why I started carrying it around with me in the first place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the sperm cells are getting ready for that moment when they would race down and be the first to impregnate the egg.

The day finally come, they felt vibration and began racing down the shaft. The cell in first place is so excited he could almost see the end. Then all of a sudden, he turns around, waves at everyone behind him and yells, "Turn around, turn around, it's a blowjob!"

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

My wife is blaming me for ruining our Anniversary

Which is ridiculous, cause I didn't know it was our Anniversary in the first place

The Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

He’s talking with Satan and says, “What a terrible place! It’s very hot, dark, smoky and extremely bad!”

Satan said, “Well, what did you expect? After all, this IS Hell!”

The engineer said, “Do you have a compressor, some tubing, and wire?
<...

Did you know that Germany is only second best at recycling

The first place is taken by r/jokes

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