UPJOKE

Filled With Jokes

A truck filled with Worcestershire sauce and a truck filled with quinoa crashed in front of the local charcuterie shop.

When asked by reporters what had happened a witness replied, "Well... it's kind of hard to say..."

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so...

... United.

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

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NSFW what's long, hard and filled with semen?

A penis. Boats are filled with sea men.

Spelling matters, people.

A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...

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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls...

and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the ti...

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut

They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher

I was telling jokes at a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people

I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.

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The airplane was filled with people to the last seat, everyone was waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get i...

My friend just told me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water".

I know he means well

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I have three holes, each of which are often filled with three solid rods at the same time. What am I?

An electric socket you sick fucks!

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

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A plane filled with passengers was flying from Glasgow, Scotland to Dublin, Ireland.

Just as the plane reached the ocean, a bunch of warning instruments in the cockpit lit up. The captain made an announcement to the passengers. "Please remain clam. We are experiencing mechanical problems, and I do not believe the plane is safe to fly across the sea. We are going to have to turn ...

My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water

I know she means well.

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

What will the gas stove enforcement agency be filled with?

"gas-stop-o" agents

What’s the difference between a pumpkin and a classroom filled with baby antelopes?

Quite a few things

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

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I just walked past a car filled with black people.

They locked the door as I passed. I felt like a bad ass until I realized that it was my car.

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An astronomy teacher prepared two boxes filled with joke cards. The first box was filled with asteroids and the second one with comets. He then let one of this students pick a box...

The student picked the one with asteroids. He pick one card and read the joke out loud to the class. The class, however, didn't find the joke funny. Seeing this, the professor made the student pick another card out of the same box. Same thing happened. The confused student looked at his teacher and ...

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision ...

... I can't wait to see them all.

I’ve always dreamed of swimming in a body of water filled with soda.

Sadly it’s just a Fanta-sea.

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!”

The priest says “Do we ...

What do you call an elevator filled with rational, intelligent people?

A lift.

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening!?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

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I just don’t get women. My girlfriend says that I have a real problem with mansplaining everything and if I don’t stop, she’ll throw me down a hole filled with water. I know she means well

And when I told her that, she lost her shit and threw me out of the house. Women!

I love my life. Everybody around me is so happy. I am happy with myself and proud of my accomplishments. I would never think to harm myself in any way shape or form. And my heart is filled with nothing but positivity to myself and everyone around me.

APRIL FOOLS!!!!

What do you call an European city filled with rodents?

Hamsterdam

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

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A man goes into a pub and notices a big jar filled with $50 bills on the bar counter and gets curious

MAN: What is this jar thing, there must be hundreds of dollars in it ?
BARTENDER: We have a small game in our pub. Whoever completes three tasks correctly, wins the money in the jar.
MAN: What are the tasks then ?
BARTENDER: I can't tell you, you have to pay the $50 first.
Man gives the ...

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The husband was filled with pleasure...

...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, th...

I have a recipe in which a deep dish crust is filled with small rodents and covered with whipped egg whites.

Its a Lemming Meringue Pie

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A man gets on a bus, with both his front pants pockets filled with golf balls

He sit's down next to a beautiful blonde woman.


The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he turns to her & says, “It's golf balls.”

The blonde looked at him compassionately and said: ...

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

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My dad was driving a tourist bus filled with Japanese tourists in the 1990s.

A robber came in and stole my dads cash register at one stop. Luckily the police got 500+ photos of the robber as an evidence.

When your friend asks you if you want a leaflet filled with information about a holiday resort

Brochure

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

What's big, round, long and filled with seamen?

A submarine.

Thieves broke into a house and stole a big vault but it's only filled with big rocks

Thieves are getting boulder and boulder

So a man walks into a coffee house late in the afternoon and asks for a tall drink with 4 shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk.

The barista looks at him lightly concerned and she says,

Are you sure sir? That’s a latte coffee.

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were walking down a deserted road when they stumbled upon a pot filled with gold coins

After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God. The Priest said: i'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever ...

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What’s the difference between Ted Cruz and a 300lb piece of festering shit filled with corn?

The corn.

I found an enormous ravine filled with so many precious metals, I climaxed.

It was a huge ore chasm.

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What do you call a tornado filled with boobs?

A titty twister.

At my city, we have a zoo which is only filled with dogs. Even worse, there’s only one breed of dogs inside the zoo.

It’s a shih tzu.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a sports car filled with lawyers?

The porcupine has its pricks on the outside

A bus filled with politicians was driving on ....

.... The country road on campaign trail. Suddenly on a turn the bus veered off and hit a tree with great force. A farmer nearby rushed in, and seeing the scattered bodies proceeded to bury them with dignity.
Police arrived in few hours and proceeded to question the farmer.
Police: "Good deed ...

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

A man walks into a bar he has never been to and notices a mason jar filled with 20$ bills.

He asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender replies saying “This is a challenge we have. You put a 20$ bill in the jar and we give you a bottle of tequila. You must drink the entire bottle, then go outside and pull a tooth from the dog hooked to the fence. Once you do that you must go u...

As a non-American I just wanted to say I don't think America is filled with idiots.

Yeah, right sub.

Reddit comments are just filled with so many bad puns...

that it should be renamed Geddit.

What do a Unicorn and an ocean filled with orange soda have in common?

They are both a Fanta Sea

I've once fooled an entire class filled with future Doctors, Lawyers, and scientists...

Of course they were all in Kindergarten so it wasn't hard

What do you call Monty Python if it's filled with corn?

Del Monte Python

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I found an Onlyfans filled with videos of girls slamming their butts together

It’s kinda weird, but I think they’re just trying to make ends meet

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What do you call a country filled with Redditor’s

The US Virgin Islands

What do you call another word for Mars Candy filled with cinnamon?

A Cinnamon M&M Synonym

An empty beer bottle walks into a bar and asks to be filled with their finest ale.

The bartender says, "sorry I can't serve you, I can see you're already drunk".

TIL the pool on the titanic is still filled with water to this day.

Oh wait...

It's a bit ironic a website filled with people that don't read the articles

is called "Reddit"

Due to inflation a man had to carry a wheelbarrow filled with $1 billion dollars, all in $1 bills

All the banks fail so he has to store his money in a wheelbarrow

He carries the wheelbarrow around town looking for things to buy with his enormous amount of money

He can’t buy anything since even the simplest thing like an apple or a banana cost $2 billion dollars

One day he...

What do you call an aquarium filled with liquid nitrogen?

Oxygen defishent.

What did the man say when he dined at a restaurant filled with bears ?

“The service was unbearable”

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Why did Donald Trump buy a boat filled with dildos and potatoes?

He wanted a dick tator ship..

Did you hear that the star of Con Air was arrested and put in a jail cell filled with pennies, dimes, and quarters?

It was a nickel-less cage.

My News feed is filled with stories about the Coronavirus.

I guess you could say it's gone viral.

Late in night, a coach filled with politicians falls into a ravine...

...the only witnesses are to shepherds

next day the news crew comes to the tragedy place and starts questioning the shepherds about the fresh dug graves

"So there weren't any survivors right" asked the reporter

"Well, they kept saying <<I'm alive>> but who believes t...

I had a dream last night that there was an ocean filled with soda

It was a fantasea

What do you call a city filled with protesting geese?

Honk Kong

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my birthday party was crazy, filled with booze, fighting and sex

still, Im never inviting my uncle over again

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A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

What does a pirate say when he's urinating in a sea filled with dead men?

R.I.P







Hehehehe im sorry pls don't hurt me

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A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar filled with $100 dollar bills.

He asks the bartender what's with the jar?

Bartender tells him you won all the money if you complete the challenge, but I won't tell you what it is untill you put your $100 into the jar.

The man is so curious about the challenge, then after a few drinks he says.
"Fuck it!"
Then ...

What do you call a house filled with birds

A burden

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

Pat and Mick were walking down the street when Pat fell into a big hole filled with milk.

Mick runs over to the hole and asks:

“Pat, is it pasteurised?”

To which Pat replies:

“Nah, it’s only up to my knees!”

So my bedroom was filled with a demonic aura

I called in the local exorcist. When he entered my bedroom, I told him

"Get the hell out of here"

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

Scotland is a place filled with angry people.

Even their flag is cross.

What do you call a Saltine container filled with ducks?

A box of quackers

Man dies and goes to heaven, filled with rooms he hears a party behind each door is happening.

St. Peter (or whoever the afterlife tour guide is) took him to the first door and opened it. The room was full of Muslims welcoming the man to come in and join them.

Passing they moved on to the next door to find a room full of Jewish people celebrating the afterlife.

Next a room of Bu...

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What's the difference between a bus stop filled with old people and a crab with boobs?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.



“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”



“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”



The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...

Why is the Nile River filled with holy water?

People keep blessing the rains in Africa.

What do you call an apple filled with cement?

Hardcore.

A guy walks into a room to see his father standing over a bucket filled with red liquid.

"Father, what's happening?" he asks. The father replies
"I'm dying, son."



"Father, I said I wanted my shirts blue, not red!"







Sorry it's bad but hey, it's not a repost!
EDITED for clarification (am on mobile)

What's worse than a plastic bag filled with dead babies?

Nickelback

A mathematician opens a burger restaurant in a city already filled with burger restaurants...

A customer asks the owner:


“How do you plan to differentiate from other burger restaurants?”


The owner replies and says:


“I integrate instead.”

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With a sultry look and come-hither eyes filled with passion, my girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time. I rasped...

"No honey, your mustache looks fine to me."

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Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

I'm having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today

That's Hawaii roll.

In war, a general sees an enemy soldier who has his arm in a hole filled with water

"Let's avoid him", he tells his adjutant. "He's well armed."

I asked the bartender for something cold and filled with rum...

So he recommended his wife...

You walk across a bridge and see a boat filled with people but there isn't a single person on board. How is this possible?

All the people on the boat are married

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