Felt Like Jokes - 58 Hilarious Felt Like Jokes

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body

Then I was born

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

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Last time I had sex, it felt like the 100m Olympic final.

There were 8 black men and a gun.

Felt like doing some lunges but…

That would be a huge step forward

i felt like i needed a drink so i walked into a bar

the bartender asked me what kind of drink i wanted

i said: "surprise me"

so he showed me a naked picture of my wife

Earlier today I felt like throwing up..

So I put a dart board on my ceiling.

My doctor said I could touch myself whenever I felt like it.

His exact words were that I could have a stroke any time.

Same thing.

I felt like the plane was heading the wrong way...

so I asked our pilot Yoda if we were going the right way to which he responded, "Off course we are!"

Felt like bringing back an old but gold one

Q. Where does a king keep his armies?
A. Up his sleevies

I felt like my nose was bleeding.

But after checking, it’snot.

Little Johnny always felt like he was born in the wrong body.

He liked dressing up and baking muffins and all sorts of girly things. One day he embraced it and accepted himself as a girl. She called herself Joanne. She went to school the next day and was bullied mercilessly. She was heartbroken. She ran home in tears crying out for her father. "DAD!", she crie...

I felt like I forgot something before I left the house, and, gosh darn it...

It was the Alamo.

I've kinda felt like my headphones recently

I've got a severe lack of anything to jack inside of.

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Today i felt like a giant mushroom

I get kept in the dark and fed shite

All day I felt like I forgot something very important, then Don Cherry reminded me..

I need to start looking for a job.

I saw a billboard today, and I felt like it was speaking directly to me.

My friends say it's a sign.

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A guy tells his therapist that he felt like a dog lately.

She said "Come on now, off the couch."

Last time I was in jail I felt like a crop field in 1860

Cause I was being plowed by black guys all day long

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"When I learned how to edit videos I felt like the Flash..."

Friend: "Why, because you fast learner?"

Me: "No, because I fucked up the timeline."

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I had 3 bitches making me sandwich this morning. I felt like a pimp

That is why I like Subway

I wonder what it felt like for the guy who first invented the wheel.

He must've known he was gonna be going places.

My girlfriend asked me if I felt like aural.

I think that’s where it goes in one ear and out the other.

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Adam and Eve had been brainstorming with God for what felt like an eternity.

"Two dozen hours?" asked Adam.

"One seventh of a week?" suggested Eve.

God shook his head and sighed. "Let's just call it a day."

I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.

I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman.

Did you hear about the Midwestern dairy farmers? Apparently they've begun a new trend of covering their cows' teets with fabric because they felt like their heifers were indecent.

It's Being Called An Udder Shame.

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I was walking by a car filled with black kids when I heard a "click" as they locked the doors and I felt like such a bad-ass...

...until I realized it was my car...

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Had sex with a German girl last night and I gotta admit I felt like a sex God

She gave me a loud 9/10 at every jam

I felt like I was just a statistic, so I went to see a psychologist...

She diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder.

Now I feel like a distribution.

I finally popped the question! Everything was beautiful, music was playing, we were dressed to the nines. Her whole family was there! It felt like the perfect moment - She was so surprised!

So was the funeral director.

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An elderly woman felt like she and her husband were losing touch, so she convinced him to go to couple therapy with her.

While sitting through the normal "how does that make you feel" questions, the therapist asks about their sex life. The woman speaks up first and mentions how he never wants to have sex anymore and it makes her feel upset. The man, who was already flustered, got embarrassed, and stormed out, refusing...

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

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Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

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An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper...

An Italian sniper and a Greek sniper are perched in a tower overlooking the city of Nancy in France during World War 2. They have been lying down, silently staring down the scopes of their rifles for what surely felt like weeks at that point, and after a few hours of inactivity, the Greek sniper sud...

I felt like doing some service today, so I decided to donate some video games to the Rehabilitation Center for Meth Addicts.

They seemed particularly fond of "Need for Speed".

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth.

Initially they didn't talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so m...

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

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A young nun

excitedly runs to her mother superior.

“What are you going on about? Why are you so happy?” asks the old mother superior.

“I’ve just had the most amazing experience!”, the young nun exclaims.

“I was with our father helping him in the rectory when he said that in bet...

I found my son playing with a voodoo doll.

He had already promised that he would stop. It really felt like I got stabbed in the back.

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Celebrating 50th wedding anniversary

A couple of grandparents, to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, decide to return to the place where they met many years ago, a bar located in a very picturesque town. They wait for the weekend, get into their car, and head to the town.
Upon arrival, they ask a police officer for directio...

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I hate it when I am singing a song...

And the artits gets the words wrong, felt like it was being revised.

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

An 88-Year Old Woman was interviewed by the local News after getting married for the fourth time...

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little ...

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

Of rain, snow, and communism.

A soviet couple was walking on the red square in Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they...

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Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had on...

My dad CLAIMS to have invented this joke. I think it's too good and don't want to give him credit, but I can't find it online.

This story takes place in 1860. Back 150+ years ago, presidental candidates didn't have nearly the luxuries current candidates do. The didn't stay in five star hotels or travel by private jet - they stayed with normal families on their campaigns and in exchange for a place to stay, would do chores a...

The inventor of the "Wind Chill Factor" died recently.

He was 81 years old, but he felt like he was 64.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

*A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.*

Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

Dad: why did you say that?

Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

*The next day, grandpa drops ...

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

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Grandpa can't be stand to be near fireworks because of his PTSD from the war...

One day I asked him about what happened and he let out a sigh and sat me down.

"It was 1951 in Korea, memorial day. I was stationed North of the parallel and it felt like today could finally be the one day we could relax and take a break from the war.

"The platoon spent the whole day ...

I've been driving a lot for work recently...

And it's been lonely but the other day it felt like my wife was with me. Google maps wouldn't talk to me, I didn't know what I'd done wrong and wasn't sure how to fix it.

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

First time horseback riding. I almost died!

I had a friend ask if I wanted to go horseback riding. I've never been so I said yes!

I got on the back of this horse and it turns out when you are on the back of a horse it feels like you are going faster than if you were in a car.

Me and this horse started going and It felt like I ...

Today I was on the bus and I farted, four people turned around and looked at me.

Felt like I was in The Voice.

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