UPJOKE

Father And Son Jokes

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
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Father and Son

So there was this boy, about high school age

He didn’t have the best relationship with his father after his parents got divorced

On top of it, every time he tried to call his dad it took him forever to answer

He would call…
No answer
Call again…
No answer
But by ...

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A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

father and son

- Son! Why is the whiskey bottle half empty?
- Cause you are a pessimist.

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Father and son from Utah, both avid fishermen, finally decide to visit the British Isles

So they have a beer in London, bag of crisps in Birmingham, they enjoy a slice of the famous Chevington cheese in Newcastle, and as they slowly traveled Northward, they both get the urge to go fishing in the famous Scottish Lochs.

And so it came to pass, that in Glasgow, they bought a o...

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A father and son go fishing

While fishing the father cracks open a beer, the son says dad can I have a beer? The father asks can your Dick touch your asshole? “No” said the son, the father said you can’t have one then. A little while later the father lights up a cigar, the son asks dad, can I have a cigar? The father asks does...

A father and son are sitting at the kitchen table together

Son: "Dad, I'm cold."

Dad:"Go stand in the corner. I hear it's ninety degrees."

A father and son were at the park

The son saw two dogs in top of each other. The son asked his father what they were doing and said "that's how puppys are made".

The next day at home the son walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad on top of his mum. He stops for a sec and askes what they are doing and his dad said "th...

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

There was a father and son..

The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..

"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"

The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"

A cannibal father and son

A cannibal father & son

A cannibal father and son were out looking for food in a local park.
A obese guy comes by and the son ask “dad should we eat him,” father answers “no my son, he have to much fat, we’ll get to tired for days”.

A little while later a skinny man comes by a...

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An Irish father and son are drinking at their local pub

The father says, "Well, boyo, I've got some bad news. I've been to the doc, and your old Da's got cancer. Ain't got much longer now, t'aint nothin to be done."

"Da!" says the son, "That's horrible! Well, I guess we better get to drinking, then, shouldn't we?"

"Two pints of the black st...

Father and son talking about son being adopted

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

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A Father and Son are playing each other on PlayStation

In an attempt to put his son off...

Father - I fucked your mother

Son - yeah? Well I’ve been deeper inside her that you’ve ever been

A father and son are watching a documentary about evolution...

...the boy had already watched this episode and was viewing it again carefully as he found it a bit confusing as to what the different prehistoric animals were evolving into. He recalled this episode ended with an ant-like insect becoming a crustacean-like animal. By the end he said 'Ep seen, did an...

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

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A father and son go on vacation together

While checking into the hotel, the father asks the front desk "before my son and I go to our room, I'd just like to confirm the porn is disabled"

The concierge with a look of disgust states "no sir we have normal porn here you sick fuck"

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Father and son free a genie and he promises them 3 wishes...

The father starts explaining "Son, these wishes are very precious, we have to think before" but the son says without hasitation "Give me a hedgehog!" Genie snaps his fingers and there is a hedgehog. The father loses it and facepalms "Fuck the hedgehog." Suddenly the genie cries in agonizing pain: " ...

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Father and Son, a little [NSFW]

A father's six-year old son walks up to his dad and says, "daddy, will you buy me a bicycle?"

The dad looks at him and says, "Does your dick reach your asshole?"

The son looks down and mumbles "no."

Then the dad says, "Well, there's your answer."

A few years later, the s...

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A father and son go on a nature expedition in Alaska.

On their first day, they meet their guide who gives them a rundown of everything they can expect during their trip. During the conversation, the son notices a very large caliber pistol strapped to the ranger's side. "Wow, that's a big pistol" he comments, "What do you use it for?" "Well son, this is...

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A father and son are having a conversation

Son: I make better jokes than you do

Dad: I sincerely doubt it

Son: Alright then, tell me a joke

Dad: Pussy

*Son: I don't get it*

*Dad: I know you don't*

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A foreign father and son walked into a mall for the first time...

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "*What is this Father?*"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "*Son, I have never seen anything like this ...

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Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"

"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."

"What about the 6pack dad?"

"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad, what about the 1...

Father and son go on a kayaking tour

When they get home Mom notices he has a swollen black eye.

Mom: "Omg, what happened to your eye?"

Son: "There was a huge mosquito in the kayak"

Mom: "Did he bite you?"

Son: "Nope, Dad killed it with the paddle"

A father and son walk into a gas station...

After grabbing a few snacks they walk up to the register to pay for everything.

The cashier says "sorry sir, but you have to swipe your card again."

Son: "dad, don't."

Father: *sweats profusely*

Cashier: "sir?"

Father: "but I'm not wearing a cardigan!"

A father and son were out walking one humid summer evening

Taking note of the weather, the son said, "Man, it sure is muggy out."

"Yeah," replied the father "I lost my wallet five minutes ago."

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A father and son go to buy a horse.

The dad looks over the horse, running his hand down the back of the horse, patting and rubbing its rump. The son asks "Dad, why do you touch its butt like that?" The dad, sensing a teachable moment says "Well, son, if I'm going to buy it, I want to make sure its healthy."

The boy thinks on t...

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Father and son pull up into their home driveway...

Father says "son why don't you ever wear your seatbelt?"

Son says " it's freeing and more comfortable dad why else"

To which father casually replies " well son you should start wearing those fucking seatbealts, windshields are pretty damn expensive these days."

I fucking lost i...

So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...

They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the G...

Father and son at the zoo...

A boy goes to the zoo with his father. They’re at the Primates section. The father asks the boy, “Do you know what that animal is?” And the boy says “Yeah… a monkey.” The father smiles, “No son… that’s an orangutan! Orangutans are apes!”

Across the park… the father asks the boy, “What animal ...

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