UPJOKE

Farmer's Wife Jokes

A farmer's wife comes out into the field as he's plowing and begins to nag at him.

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, "I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see ...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

Walking down the road, I ran into a farmer's wife

She was dragging along a huge barrel full of tomatoes. I said, "Hey, what are you gonna do with all those tomatoes?" The farmer's wife said, "Well, we eat what we can. And what we can't, we can."

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Once upon a time there was a farmers wife with a problem

And that problem was her dog Jingles.

Every night Jingles would snore so loudly that she was unable to get a wink of sleep. In exasperation, she went to the vet who advised her "What you need to do here is go to your sewing kit and get a piece of ribbon. Tie that around his balls and he'll st...

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A Farmer and his wife...

A farmer and his wife were sitting on the front porch enjoying the cool summer evening, when a flying saucer lands in the front yard, a door drops down, an Martian man and woman step off the spacecraft and introduce themselves to the country couple, after a long evening of enjoyable conversation the...

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The farmer's wife makes dinner.

The farmer's wife makes dinner. She cuts down a chicken from the coop, opens it and guts it out. Because there's no use of it, she takes the guts to the outhouse and throws it down the gutter.

Later that night, after finishing dinner together, the wife goes to sleep, while the farmer drinks s...

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Farmer's wife

A farmer and his wife were enjoying an evening sitting on the porch.

The farmer leans over and grabs the wife's tit and says. "You know, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

The wife leans over and grabs the farmer's crotch and says,"You know, if this could get hard, ...

The farmer's wife went into a coma...

... at home, and he summoned the doctor.

"She's gone," said the doc after examining the woman. "I'm very sorry. I'll call the funeral home for you."

The morticians carried the body down the porch steps and started to round the corner of the house into the driveway when the lead bearer ...

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The traveling salesman and the farmer's wife

Now Jim was traveling the back woods of Iowa, looking for someone needing a vacuum. Now late that afternoon, as is want to happen, his car broke down, leaving him stranded. Now, luckily Farmer Jones came along on his old John Deere, and Jim explained what had happened. Of course they both realize...

What would a farmer's wife accuse him of caring more about than her?

His hoe

Source: Old Family Feud episode

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The farmer and his wife

A farmer's wife is sitting in her bedroom knitting quietly in her rocking chair. The farmer comes through door with a sheep under his arm and says "Look here, this is the pig I fuck when you're not in the mood". The farmer's wife looks up and says "You are some kind of idiot! That there is a sheep!"...

A farmer and his wife were headed to market one day.

They get a few miles down the road and the mule pulling the wagon just stops and refuses to move.

The farmer gets off of the wagon and walks around to the front of the wagon, grabs the mule by the ears and looks him in the eyes and says "that's one".

The farmer climbs back on the wag...

The farmer's wife just ran off with a farm equipment salesman.

She wrote him a John Deere letter.

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A farmer's wife walks into the bedroom and finds a goat in bed next to her husband

And he says, "This is the cow I fuck whenever you're not in the mood."

She says to him, "If you weren't so damn stupid, you'd know that was a goat."

And he says to her, "If you weren't so damn presumptuous, you'd know I was talking to the goat."

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A businessman breaks down on the side of a country road...

Along his trip to the big city a businessman's car breaks down on a long stretch of country road. As he exits his car he finds no mechanic shops or gas stations along the road and his phone is out of the service area. Luckily a farmer on a tractor stopped by and offered his support.

Farmer: ...

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A hiker was traveling through Switzerland when he got tired, so he decided to stop at the next house he passed.

In that house lived a farmer, his wife, and his daughter. When the hiker knocked on the door, the farmer told him to sleep in the barn. Then the farmer went straight to bed.

The farmer's daughter went down to the barn and returned an hour later covered in straw, with her clothes all dishevele...

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A UFO crashes on a farm

A loud noise is heard outside of a remote farm house and startles a middle-aged farmer and his wife. The farmer walks out to see a UFO. He walks up to the UFO and find out the aliens are peaceful, completely naked and have fairly human bodies. The farmer attempts to communicate with them and the ali...

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A farmer and his laborer are out on the field doing some fencing.

The laborer says: "Uhm, farmer, it looks like rain."

Farmer: "I think you're right, go get my rubber boots for me!'

Laborer: "Do I have to?"

Farmer: "Listen, as you are more standing around than working, you have to."

The laborer goes to the farm house and enters the kitc...

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A farmer was having an issue with his parrot

His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having sex with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot "if you have sex with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!"

The next day the fa...

A farmer had a prized bull. Bred 300 times a year.

The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful dear? Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how." Farmer said "Yeah... he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."

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