UPJOKE

Everyone Has Jokes

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

Everyone has a photographic memory.

Some people just don’t have film.

Everyone has a different view about life. I’m a solipsist.

But that’s just me.

Everyone has heard of the King David Hotel in Jerusalem...

...but nobody has heard of the Goliath Hotel, even though it is much larger and only a stone's throw away.

Everyone has a film that made them emotional.

For me it was TITANIC... Because not only do you get a beautiful love story, but also... I'm was like... \*emotional\*

"Look - So many fans of the Wim Hof Method!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one

So, if you don't have one


You're full of shit.

Not everyone has off for the 4th of July..

Fire works.

Everyone has heard about Among US.

Hopefully there’s gonna be noone among EU.

I think everyone has a superiority complex

except for me

Everyone has these expansive bucket lists

Mine is a little pail in comparison

Everyone has a certain joke they always tell when meeting new people

Personally, I enjoy talking about my life

Everyone has a Lie-Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked: ‘What are those clocks?’
St. Peter answered: ‘Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.’
...

Everyone has their own way of remembering

To celebrate 9/11, I like to set my phone to airplane mode and throw it at a building.

People usually tell me everyone has a beautiful side.

Now I think I am a circle.

I think it's just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races while competing on drugs. When I'm on drugs, I can't even find my bike.

What do you call an orgy where everyone has gonorrhea?

A round of applause.

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone has 3 stages they will go through

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

Everyone has been in the Navy at least once.

We all started out as a seaman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's this party where everyone has to come dresses as an emotion...

...one guy comes in all black - sadness. Another in all yellow - fear, and another in green - envy. Then the host answers the door to see two guys standing there, butt-naked, except one of them has a pear on the end of his dick, and the other had a can of custard on his dick.
"What the hell are ...

Assuming everyone has seen the human head transplant story..

I was discussing 'head transplants' with a young man today and said,

"Surely the term 'head transplant' doesn't even exist? The brain is the seat of the personality and cognitive abilities. The body, however, cannot function without the brain, so technically we should refer to it as a, 'body ...

I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays

When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?"

I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"

Someone once told me that a good joke draws on an experience that everyone has in common but the subject should be kind of unpleasant.

That's why I made the punchline about banging your Mum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re making sausage at a sausage factory, and everyone has better looking intestines to pack the sausage in than you?

A wurst casing scenario

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."

I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"

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