UPJOKE

Everybody Knows Jokes

Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes

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Everybody Knows Dave, The best joke on my cake day

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

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Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?

"Thanks for the warning, officer."

Everybody knows Rudolph the Red Nose leads Santa's sled team...

...but few know that Bruno the Brown Nose is the second in line.
He can run as fast as Rudolph, but he isn't as quick to stop.

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

I'm sure everybody knows what brand of tires Van Gogh used.

Good Ear, of course.

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Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, *"Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."*

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help. He said, *"Do you have any Rye...

Everybody knows that a cornucopia is also called a "Horn of Plenty" but do you know its other name?

A Snaxaphone.

Everybody knows of Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong, will. But have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's usually just finely shredded cabbage.

Mahatma Ghandi, as everybody knows, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet...

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Why did Will Smith slap Chris instead of punching him?

Everybody knows paper beats rock

[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver

if he's persuasive.

"Go left."

-"Dude those are trees."

"trust me."

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A college student walks up to a farmer asks:

"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.

Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"

The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."

"Wel...

Graffiti artist writes on the wall:

Person who wrote this is brilliant and person who read this is a idiot.

Dave (you know Dave, everybody knows Dave) who used to walk by this sign everyday got angrier and angrier whenever he read this sign.

So one day Dave got an amazing idea, so that night he went to that wall. He clea...

An atheist, a vegan, and a cross-fitter walk into a bar...

And everybody knows within ten minutes.

Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument...

The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.

Putin begins, saying "Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies."

Trump laughs, "Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you...

North Korea: Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be landing a man on the sun within 10 years.

A startled reporter shouted, “But the sun is thousands of degrees
Celsius. No one can get within 10 million miles of the sun!”

The audience was stunned at the reporter's brazen challenge and the room
fell into a long silence. But instead of having the
reporter arrested, Kim calmly re...

Have you heard the good word?

According to Gallup polls, 1 in 12 Americans is unaware that the bird is the word.

I, for one, dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word.

Overheard a tweaker proudly talking about his dog...

I couldn't hear him too well but it sounded like some kind of new mixed-breed dog he called a Meth Lab. I didn't get many details on the new mixed-breed but I did hear him say it could be dangerous. Oh, and it must be fast because its name was Shake 'n Bake. Everybody knows you don't sully the na...

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...

The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence..

Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough

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Women are alot like continents.

At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, b...

SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY, a woman called her husband's lifelong golfing buddy.

"What's the matter ?" asked the friend.
"It's Sam," she said. "I don't know where I went wrong."
"What do you mean ?"
"I was cleaning out Sam's closet," the wife explained, "and I found several boxes with miniskirt blouses and pantyhose in them."
"So?"
"But they aren't mine- and when...

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I used to drink absinthe

I used to drink absinthe, but it caused me bad indigestion and terrible wind, weirdly, it sounded like a Japanese motorbike.

I went to a doctor who told me it wasn't uncommon, that everybody knows "absinthe makes the fart go Honda".

If you're holding a bee, what's in your eye?

Beauty, everybody knows beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

Jesus and Satan are having an argument about who is the better computer programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt...

The pig with wooden legs

A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.

One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind. A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain ...

It's gonna be tough for Brad Pitt to start dating again.

Everybody knows Tomb Raider sequels are terrible.

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Three black women are getting on a plane..

They're lining up for their flight and the first black woman turns to the others and says "I'm wearing fluorescent yellow pants, cause if this plane crashes in the ocean they'll be able to find me first"
The second says "well I'm wearing fluorescent orange pants so if this plane crashes over land...

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

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A Naked Guy on The Street

Once a naked man was walking down a crowded street, hiding his face behind an umbrella.

On being asked, he said his clothes were stolen at the beach and he was returning home.

He was then asked as to why was he not covering his private parts with umbrella.

His reply: Everybody k...

What's the difference between theory and practice?

Reading one of the posts currently in the front of /r/jokes reminded me of one of the Polish jokes about technical universities:

> We call something theoretical knowledge when things don't work correctly but everybody knows why.

> We call something practical knowledge when things...

After the flood, Noah tells the animals from the Arc to "go forth and multiply."

After a few months, Noah figures he better wander around and see how the animals are doing. Everybody is happy until he comes across a couple of snakes - they are quite downcast and not very happy. Noah asks what wrong, and they say "We are Adders, so we can't multiply!"

Noah rubs his chin fo...

Police responded to a call outside the Playboy mansion.

Mr. Hefner called the police to remove a group of monks selling daisies out of an illegal roadside stand in front of the Playboy mansion. A police spokesperson released a statement "we responded promptly to Mr. Hefner's call because as everybody knows, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

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Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored...

Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
<...

Gatorade

Everybody knows that Gatorade was first used by the University of Florida's football program, but they weren't the first Florida team to create a hydrating beverage.

But unfortunately no one wanted to buy Seminole Fluid.

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An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.

After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a ...

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The fastest thing in the world

Three old rednecks were sitting in their favorite bar. They'd been drinking for awhile when they started a lively debate on what the fastest thing in the world could be.

The first redneck says, "Well, I think the fastest thing in the world is thinking. 'Cause I can think 'bout a million thoug...

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A famous magician is doing a show one night in front of a packed audience. All is going well, the people love his acts, until this one guy shouts "Aaahhh, that's bullshit! That's not magic, that's just tricks! Any idiot can do that!"

Unfazed, the magician continues, doing another one of his best acts until the same unruly guy shouts "Oh come on! Everybody knows that's just tricks, that's not real magic!"


The magician, a little rattled at this point, decides to pull out his best ever act, and cuts a guy in half on stag...

There once was a snake breeder...

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I wou...

An Arkansas farm boy goes off to college...

When he comes home for vacation, Maw and Paw are glad to see him. That night at the dinner table, Paw says, “So, tell me, son, what are you studyin’ in that there college?”

The son says, “All kindsa stuff, Paw. F’r’example, I’m takin’ a course in Geometry.”

Paw says, “What kinda stuff ...

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