UPJOKE

Every Time Jokes

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I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

If I had a quarter for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Every time when I ask someone what does LGBT stand for,

I never get a straight answer.

If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on,

I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"

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If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.

They eventually would.

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If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

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My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper,
my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So
how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

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If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

*Edit: Thanks for enlightening me, looks like you can't get bailed out of prison. I guess you could say my ass is fucked.

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

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My wife told me that every time we have sex, we put five dollars in jar for a future vacation.

We’re Still here…

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I wrote a novel about an old man who grows younger every time he masturbates.

It's a coming of age story.

My friend keeps talking about sausage every time he responds.

Links in comments

A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: "Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies."

Student: "Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?"

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My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

I would have one dollar... thanks mom...

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type,

I'd be her type.

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

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Every time I introduce myself, people get mad

I introduced myself to my teacher, and I got suspended. I introduced myself to a pretty girl, and she told me to fuck off. I introduced myself to my neighbor, and he punched me. Maybe there's somebody else named "Yorick Hunt" with a bad reputation out there.

I have this question every time driving on the highway

Why do people put a mountain on every tunnel?

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If I got a dollar every time somebody called me a racist

Black people would rob me

"Ma'am, we brought your husband in. He was at the bar door so drunk that every time we tried to get him up, he fell over!"

The woman: "Are you kidding me? Where's his wheelchair?"

I have panic attacks every time I use a two letter word.

I get scared just..thinking about it.

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that…..

“This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.”

"Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye."

"Take the spoon out of your cup."

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A woman goes to the doctor. “Please help. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The doctor says “are you taking anything for it?”

The woman says “Yes. Pepper.”

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I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm every time I remember that I have a rare condition that makes me orgasm.

...come to think of it....

If I had a dollar for every time inflation devalued our currency…..

I'd already have a quarter by the time you finished reading this....

But, That's just my 2 cents.

Every time I post a joke to this sub it gets downvoted

uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝuo sᴉɥʇ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ll,I oS

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Every time i fart...

My wife tells me some assholes been talking shit behind my back.

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

every time I hear this, I burst out laughing.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson lookup in the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: " see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "...

I was told I didn't need to narrate every time I make gravy and I disagreed.

The plot thickens.

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If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

Every time Dwayne Johnson sits down...

...he hits Rock bottom.

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Every time I browse through r/jokes, I have a sense of Deja Poo.

A feeling that I’ve seen this shit before.

I take LSD every time I go to a dubstep concert, but it always wears off.

I think it’s because the bass neutralizes the acid

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature

I’d have so many hotwheels

They say every time God closes a door, he opens a window.

That’s all well and good. But I’m on the tenth floor.

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Every Time

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for 20 dollars for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated every time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way ...

My clone gets an erection every time someone walks into the room...

I must've made a hard copy.

If I had 50 cents for every time I got a math problem wrong...

Id have $1.74

If I had a drop of beer for every time I made a bird pun..

I'd have toucans.

If I had a nickel for every time I was called hot, I would be the U.S.A

28.7 trillion dollars in debt

I'm tired of seeing "Hey OP, I banged your mom" comments every time I post a submission....

I never should have given dad my username.

A man visited his doctor, concerned about experiencing eye pain every time he indulged in a cup of coffee

"Doctor, every time I have my morning coffee, my right eye hurts. Is that supposed to happen?"

The doctor responded, "Well, it's certainly not a common side effect. But don't worry, you can still enjoy your coffee. Just remember to remove the spoon before taking a sip.”

What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are:

1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

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What do you call a person who insists on saying “pissssssss” every time they urinate?

An onomatopee-er

Every time he smacked my ass, I said "harder, daddy!"

And that is why my parents don't spank me anymore.

Every time I see a femboy I will:

Turn 360 degrees and walk away

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If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke...

she would have $0.77

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A joke my Uncle tells. Makes me laugh every time..

Somewhere deep down south a man dials 9-1-1..

Operator: “Emergency services. Is there a problem?”

Man: “Hi, uhh ya. I jus’ came home and I foun’ my wife lyin’ dead on tha floor.”

Operator: “I am so sorry to hear that sir. How would you like us to assist you?”

Man: “Yea, u...

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I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies...

My therapist suggested I need an outlet

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Think of this every time I check out

I'm in the grocery store ready to check out. Hot pockets, pack of ramen, single roll of TP, bottle of soda,

Cute cashier looks at me "Single?" she asks

"Heh yeah what have it away?"

"You're fucking ugly"

Every time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”.

The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

If I had a dollar for every time I had trouble going to sleep

I’d be able to afford a better mattress

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Patient: I get scared every time I think of big animals.

Therapist: We have pills for that, but bear in mind--

Patient: AAUUGGHH!!

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If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

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Every time I tell a joke, I end up shitting myself.

But my humor has always tended to be a little self-defecating.

If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to kill myself,

I'd be rich enough to buy a rope and a chair.

Every time I go to a new chiropractor

Every time go to a new chiropractor I have to tell them my twisted back story.

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If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused” ...

I’d be thinking “where the fuck did all these nickels come from?”

Every time when I tried to be a fun guy

I always get myself into big truffles

Every time I go on holiday, my girlfriend gets pregnant.

In future I'm going to take her with me.

Every time I turn on my friend’s mustang it sprays this weird fluid everywhere

And apparently he doesn’t want me to come over and take care of his horses anymore

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

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My mate lets his dog drink beer with us every time we stay over.

One time the dog had about 4 or 5 bottles of the stuff in one evening.

I woke up the next morning in his flat to go for a pee and saw the dog lying awkwardly in his basket looking a bit worse for wear. Hung-over, I’m sure.

I said “How you feeling buddy?!” mid-piss and to my surprise ...

If I had a dollar every time Trump said something stupid...

I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.

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My girlfriend used to ring a bell every time she wanted sex.

Now it’s hard for me to walk past a church.

Why do soldiers need to ask every time if they are allowed into battle?

It's permission

If I had 50 cents for every time I'd read a 50 cent joke today...

I'd have about tree fiddy.

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

My divorce is going terribly. Every time I give her an inch

She takes another 17% of my paycheck for the next 18 years.

Every time I drink food coloring,

I dye a little on the inside.

Listen, all I'm saying is the gambler's fallacy has been right every time so far.

It has to be wrong sooner or later!

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Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.

Maybe I should have installed it at eye level

Did you know that 50 cent's mother was german? Every time he did something wrong, she screamed

59!

If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out..

I’d have 5 cents.

She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.

If i had a dollar for every time i had an existential crisis...

it wouldn't matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless

If I had a dollar for every time I messed up the punchline

To get to the other side

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Every time I put my dick in a vagina.

That's an inside joke.

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

If I had a nickel for every time I was cursed by a puppet..

I'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

Every time someone asks me if I'm salty?

Na...

“Doctor, my eyes burn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

If I had a dollar for every time a girl called me unattractive I would have 0$

It’s not because I’m attractive it’s because girls won’t talk to me

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I have an orgasm every time I give someone a present.

I come bearing gifts

Every time you're late

Remind the other person that time doesn't exist and is just a social convention.
This way, they will be annoyed by 2 things.

Why did the eligible bachelor get stressed out every time he dated a Latin woman?

Because they are Hispanic.

Every time the train passes by, the wardrobe crumbles..

A woman living next to a train rail have her bedroom wardrobe crumble every time a train passes by, she got enough, called a carpenter to fix the problem for good. The man comes to her, enters the bedroom and checks to wardrobe.. '' I can't see what's causing this, I'm gonna have to get inside the t...

If I had a dollar for every time older people complained about millennials...

...I could fix the economy they broke.

I was at a wedding recently, and a woman walked up to me and said "every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place". Excitedly, I said "why, are you single?"

"no" she said, "I'm a dentist".

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the word “coronavirus” this month ...

... I’d be rich enough to afford a test.

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When I first wanked it my semen only flew 6 inches. Now it goes at least a foot every time..

Look how far I’ve cum

Every time someone shakes my hand

they are strangling my girlfriend.

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My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

A man had a horrible stabbing pain in his eye every time he drank a hot toddy.

He went to the doctor to try to rectify it.

“It’s important,” his doctor told him, “to take the spoon out of the cup before you drink it.”

Happy hot toddy day!

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