UPJOKE

Ever Heard Of Jokes

You ever heard of silent tennis?

It’s essentially tennis but without the racket.

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

Ever heard of the wizard with the poor sense of balance?

He only knows dizzy spells.

Ever heard of the third eye pressure point?

Its a spot between the eyebrows that can help alleviate stress and tension. Explains why talking to certain people makes me wanna bang my forehead against a wall.

Ever heard of Adolph the Brown-nosed reindeer?

His brakes don’t work

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Last bullshit of the year. Have you ever heard of the greatest chinese cowboy

His name was Yee Ha

Have you ever heard of the brave little German boy who can only count to 3?

He knows no vier

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer?

He had loco motives

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held ...

I asked my mom if she ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?

She said that rings a bell

Have you ever heard of the world's largest pickle?

It's kind of a big dill.

Ever heard of Corona?

Yep, it has gone viral!

Y'all ever heard of reverse exorcism?

It's when the devil tells the priest to exit the child's body

Ever heard of an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

They lay awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

Have you ever heard of Supermans powerless cousin?

Norm-El

Ever heard of the guy who keeps repeating himself?

Ever heard of the guy who keeps repeating himself?

Ever heard of the show naked and afraid?

Kinda reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.

You ever heard of the short tempered doctor?

No? Makes sense, he doesn't have any patients.

Have you ever heard of the invention of the shovel?

It was ground breaking.

Anyone ever heard of emo pizza?

It’s the kind that cuts itself.

Have you ever heard of the ancient Greek philosopher Garglades?

Garglades nuts, lol

Have you ever heard of the illusion of choice?

Never mind, of course you have.

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Ever heard of rodeo sex? NSFW

That's where you mount her from behind, then lean forward and whisper "this is how your sister liked it." and see if you can stay on for ten seconds! :)

Ever heard of the bumblebee who couldn't focus?

He had ADHBee

Ever heard of the blind gynaecologists?

Rumor has it he could read lips.

Ever heard of the Chinese Godfather?

He made them an offer they couldn't understand.

You ever heard of the ocean located at 5.694647° S, 136.987557° W?

I like to call it the specific ocean.

Ever heard of a 6.9?

It's just another great thing ruined by a period.

Ever heard of that Hebrew metal band?

Guns N' Moses

Ever heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect?

I read this Facebook article on it, so I'm basically an expert.

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You ever heard of Oedipus?

That guy's a real motherfucker.

Have you ever heard of the kid who got lost mid sentence?

Me neither

You guys ever heard of a horoscope?

It's like a telescope but it can only see your mom.

Ever heard of the restaurant called karma?

There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.

You're heard of manspreading, but have you ever heard of womanspreading?

It's when a car takes up 2 parking spaces.

Have you ever heard of Murphy’s law?

-Yeah, whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

What about Cole’s law?

-Ugh...

Sliced cabbage mixed with mayonnaise and other vegetables

Have you ever heard of the "walk of shame"?

It's when you are redditing on the toilet for so long that your legs fall asleep and you have to walk back the recliner like an octopus.

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Have you ever heard of students having sex with their professor to pass an exam?

This is what I'd call a real penetration test.

Have you ever heard of bird west?

It’s just one of the cardinal directions.

Have you ever heard of the restaurant on the moon?

The food is out of this world, but it has no atmosphere.

Y’all ever heard of the Steak Monster?

When it feels threatened, it erupts in a Medium Roar.

Have you ever heard of the Bowling Ball Killer?

He waits till he sees a group of people standing in a perfect bowling pin formation and then that's when he strikes. Very disturbing.

(not mine, but my partner's joke)

Ever heard of the 68 position?

You go down on me now and I'll owe you one.

Ever heard of the movie called constipation?

You probably haven't. It never came out

Ever heard of an Irish bath?

An Irish bath is when you stand at the sink and just wash your armpits. Some people call it a Gypsy bath, or an Italian shower. A French bath is when you just douse yourself in cologne.

Whatever you call it, it’s all just ethnic cleansing.

You ever heard of that one swimmer with heart problems?

I guess you can say he had bad backstrokes

Ever heard of Spontaneous Human Combustion?

I have a friend named Sally. Well... she's not really a friend, but I knew her in high school. Anyways, one day she went out shopping. As she was strolling through the aisles, her arm caught fire! Just her arm and nothing else. It was a fascinating sight to see. A young woman flailing about the cere...

Ever heard of the orthopedic surgeon who got arrested for voyeurism?

He just wanted to see his patient's bone

Ever heard of a cajew?

It's like a canoe, but guaranteed to never tip.

Ever heard of the guy who lost a game of Battleship?

Guess you could say that he had to go back to square one.

Have you ever heard of the remote petri culture?

They have different jeans then the rest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you guys ever heard of this artist Rorschach?

All he does is draw pictures of dicks. Over and over and over.

Ever heard of the band called 1023 Megabites?

Of course not, they haven't had any gigs yet.

Ever heard of the goldfish that went bankrupt?

Now he's a bronzefish.

Have you ever heard of corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines

Ever heard of the undertaker who accidentally dug another body?

He made a grave mistake.

Ever heard of the movie "Constipation"?

Nope.

---
That's because it hasn't come out yet.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Honestly, it's a pretty obscure number. I doubt you've ever heard of it.

Have you ever heard of the French kiss?

We have something similar here in Australia, it's like the French one only down under.

Have you ever heard of Christmas Adam?

It comes before Eve and isn't nearly as satisfying

Ever heard of the blind hooker?

You really gotta hand it to 'er.

My girlfriend asked me: "Have you ever heard of a scare-plant?"

I asked: "What's a scare-plant?"

Her: "BamBOO!"

Have you ever heard of the ckicken plant?

I guess the eggplant came first!

I work at a grocery store and a guy in the produce department told me this. He thought it was hilarious

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You ever heard of the brown cow that gives chocolate milk?

It's udder bullshit.

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...

Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the driest joke you ever heard of?

Your mom's pussy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award? .

I hear it's a catastrophe

Ever heard of the Mexican that was told to turn in his essay ?

He didn’t cause he ain’t no snitch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a problem with my computer yesterday...

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
...

Have you ever heard of the paralysed man who aspired to become a stand-up comedian?

He figured sitcoms suited him better.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...

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