I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

How come vampires are portrayed to be porcelain white even though the original vampire, Vlad Dracula, was quite swarthy?

Must be his nickname.

My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood.

They didn't have real hardship.

Even though he had cash, why couldn't Superman pay his bar tab?

Because it was Crypto-Night.

If I'm on a plane that's going to crash, I'm going to grab some blankets and make a crude flying squirrel suit and jump out, even though I know it won't work.

At least the news will say, "His body was found over a mile from the crash site."

Even though the Titanic was not a marvel of engineering

the pools are. Been up and running without maintenance since the day they were opened.

I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.

Apparently that's not how you grade exams.

I got arrested for illegal fishing, even though there weren't any 'no fishing' signs.

Apparently if it's an aquarium in a hotel lobby, you don't need a sign.

Why do some people use Ball jars, even though they aren't the best brand?

Because they don't Kerr

even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14

Extremely basic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My shorter boyfriend left me even though we would have the most amazing sex.

He said id never understand him.

I never get tired of jokes about dyslexia even though I have it.

I wish I could read all of them.

My teacher asked me if π was a rational number even though she hadn't thought us the concept of rational numbers...

I mean that's just not rational.

It's pretty sad that even though women have had the right to vote for 100 years now...

we still spend more time talking about mail ballots.

I'm 45 and I can't get school shooting jokes even though I have lived in America my entire life

I asked my friend and he said it's probably because they are aimed at a younger audience

I had both my legs amputated even though only one had gangrene.

I had to sell the other one to pay for the surgery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex even though she was on her period.

She responded "Yeah, I guess I could pull some strings."

Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting...

People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

My marriage has lasted 50 years even though my wife and I only have one thing in common

We're both terrible at ending relationships

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

Even Though it's been 20 years since my Grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi

It's still pretty raw

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her.

She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

So you know how sometimes you can't help but eat what's in front of you even though you know its bad?

Anyway I lost my job at the gynecologists today

I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks. You won't regret it!

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb.

I just can't part with it.

Even though I've got sick every time I go to my local shawarma place, I still went back yesterday.

Now I falafel.

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

I have a Russian friend who always asks me to try vodka even though I don't like it.

Well I guess if he insists so much, Soviet.

Why was the door jammed even though it was wide open?

Because it was a jar.

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

I think it’s getting more and more dangerous to drive even though cars are getting smarter.

Seems like every time I look up from my phone someone is trying to run into me.

My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.

I told her it's a bit of a stretch.

My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume.

Stupid cemetery rules.

Somebody today was explaining to me how the cryptocurrency market was changing, even though I already knew

It was a bit coin descending

Even though we didn't get the glorious wall the president promised...

We did get a massive cave.

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

Even though Steve Irwin died

He died with animals in his heart

I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird....

I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!

I won a doorbell competition even though mine was missing.

They gave me the Nobel prize.

I don’t understand how in the movie Frozen, Anna didn’t know that Elsa had magical powers, even though she was locked in her room for years and refused to come out

After all, she was clearly giving Anna the cold shoulder

I bought a scarecrow and even though it didn’t scare any crows , I still had to give it a great review on Amazon

Because it was just out standing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you wou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ended up becoming a prostitute as a result of a poor upbringing. Even though my parents weren’t rich...

I come from money.

My wife always cooks Indian food for dinner, even though I hate it.

It's been a recurrying issue

I asked the blonde why she had TGIF written on her shoes even though it's Monday.

She replied, "Toes Go In First".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People wonder how my wife and I can still love our daughter even though she's a stripper

But she twerks for us

I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

Thank you, thank you for always sticking up to me, thank you for always being there, thank you for always coming back to me even though I pushed you away and thank you for always sucking up to me.

Thank you mosquitoes!!!

even though im a hardcore weeb, i still like 3d girls.

especially annie may.

What do you call someone who keeps trying to catch your interest even though you already said you're not interested several times?

Windows 10.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I got fired for eating chips at work, even though I’ve been stealing so many hearts of our customers.

Well fuck it, I hated being a casino croupier anyways.

A young calf went to the deli’s by himself even though he was told to stay home.

He was grounded afterwards.

Even though it’s a surplus store, I’m pretty proud of myself for going into Costco and purchasing only ONE item.

A single package of 160 AA batteries.

The Alabama Senate elections are in! And even though it was tight,

Roy Moore came in a little behind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Even though she was a severe woman, I told my grandmother when my car got stolen...

She said, “if you’re looking for sympathy , you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis”

Why were the orphans at the back of the adoption line happy even though they didn't get adopted?

They were endorphans.

How can a Pb & Jelly sandwich make you sick even though you don't have a peanut allergy?

Lead poisoning

My girlfriend keeps telling me to buy sea salt, even though we can't afford it

So she's just going to have to settle for D salt

I failed the drivers test even though I stopped for the sign

I gave it plenty of time to cross, it's not my fault I hit it.

Even though they did not show any spoilers in the Infinity War trailer we all know who dies...

... DCEU.

I love public transport, even though I get excessively sweaty.

Also, I think I take my Train Simulation game too seriously.

I Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked

So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.

The first time I took my wife deer hunting we had terrible luck hitting any deer even though we found plenty..after a couple hours of this she devised a plan where she would chase the deer towards me so they would be easier to shoot.

Unfortunately i ended up shooting her dead the first time we tried it. Years later when i was hunting with my new wife the first time she suggested the exact same plan. I told her "No No No...the last time I tried that it took me all day to get a deer"

Even though I don't smoke cigarettes, I exclusively date women who do...

I figure if they're willing to suck on something that nasty, they'll suck just about anything.

Mom I’m dark even though u r white, why?

American boy: Mom I’m dark even though u r white, why?


Mom: Listen son, Considering all mistakes n crazy things i had done in my youth, forget about you are Dark, just thank god that u don't bark!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of Mexican cartel gang members pulled up next to me in their low-rider. Six sets of eyeballs set in faces covered with tattoos stared menacingly at me and there commenced some spirited discussion between the members and I seemed to be the subject of it. I was getting nervous and had just c...

People don't like the idea of me being given money even though I'm unemployed.

I think it's welfare.

Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season?

Because it is just as real as the other religions.

My physics teacher told me that even though I may feel down, that there's always an upside in life

So she pushed me into the pool and begun the lesson on buoyancy.

Even though there's a picture on the hand drier,

I have yet to receive my 3 strips of bacon

My son keeps talking to me in binary even though I ask him not to. What kind of boy is he?

A noughty one.

Even though the nurse who performed my circumcision did a bad job...

I still left her a tip.

Even though I got fired from facebook, I am still quite respected..

because I left a mark there.

Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more.

So men are better at it!

\- George Carlin

A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.

In terror,she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms ...

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How are assholes and 9volt batteries similar?

Even though you know not to, you still put your tongue on them anyways.

A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The Priest, looking at the total wrecka...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost the sex contest...

Even though I came first!

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I‘be attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the speech ...

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A moth walks in to a podiatrist's office...

A moth walks in to a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist says "What's the problem?"


The moth says "What's the problem? Where do I begin?

I go to work for Gregory Olynovich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don't even know what I'm doing any more. I don't even know if Gre...

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

My barber interrupted my horse story...

...even though I told him *not* to cut off my pony tale

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

A teacher was teaching her class about whales.

She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn’t possibly swallow a hu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what a 9 volt battery and a woman’s asshole have in common?

Even though you know it’s wrong sooner or later you’ll put your tongue on it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man with a single testicle (NSFW)

A man with a single testicle gets on a plane. He is very unlucky man with a single testicle.


The plane he is on has an engine malfunction mid flight and starts falling due to excessive weight. One has to jump from the plane to save the others.


"Lets choose someone randomly" say...

Customer service vents

Sorry, but I need to vent!!!!
I experienced the WORST customer service at a store today, I don't want to mention the name of the place yet because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from there, I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So t...

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man and the IRS

There was this old man in his 80's, that got a letter from the IRS telling him to contact them immediately.

He calls and the IRS agent and is told he needs to come to his office regarding some irregularities with his account.

The old man thought about it and decided he should bring h...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.