UPJOKE

End Of The Day Jokes

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It doesn't matter if you're gay, straight or bisexual, at the end of the day ...

... it's night.

Some say that iOS is better, while some say that Android is better. But at the end of the day...

It is night

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

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A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick."

A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick." The boss thought he was joking and paid it no mind.
The next day, sure enough he wasn't at work. The boss calls him and says "What are you doing? Why aren't you at work?:
...

My dad always used to say that, at the end of the day, the best part about lawyers and politicians was their heart.

And that it could stop anytime

It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....

It’s night.

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The Stork family comes home at the end of the day

The storks sit down for dinner. Mama Stork says "Father Stork, what did you do today?"

Father Stork says "I was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Mama Stork?"

Mama Stork says "I also was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Baby Stork?"

Baby...

If I have three bags of sour skittles and a child steals one bag of my sour skittles. What will I have at the end of the day?

Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.

I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

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They say you should treat people the way you want to be treated. They call it The Golden Rule. But personally, I don't recommend that because at the end of the day,

You're just giving out free blow jobs for nothing in return!

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At the end of the day, Richard is a nice person…

It’s just that the mornings and afternoons bring out the Dick in him.

Two hobos get together at the end of the day to see how much money they have.

Hobo 1: "I only have 1 dollar, what are we going to do?"

Hobo 2: " I have nothing. Okay, let's buy a Bologna sausage and then go to a bar, I have an idea."

So they buy a bologna sausage and go to a bar and drink a couple of beers on the tab. They have a great time, but it's getting qui...

What did the barber tell the janitor at the end of the day?

Take hair!

My 8 year old thought of it after his hair cut last night. I hope it’s OC as he doesn’t have a Reddit account, yet.

How did the socks feel when they were taken off at the end of the day?

Defeeted!

At the end of the day...

...it's night.

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a G...

Why is Bernie always mad at his phone at the end of the day?

It's a 1 percenter.

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What do you call a man working at a stable auction at the end of the day?

A hoarse whisperer.

My wife asked me to hang a painting today, but I had never done it before. I struggled all day, tried so many things and I'm proud to announce that at the end of the day...

I nailed it!

What do you call it when a seagull wants to do something by the end of the day in the water?

Sea goal

What did the rest of the periodic table say as gold went home at the end of the day?

Au revoir!

At the end of the day...

It'll be 11:59PM.

A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...

A team of Swedes and a team of Norwegians are hired one day to put up telephone polls...

Their manager explains to them how to drive the poles into the ground, and leaves them to their work while he goes off to attend to other business. At the end of the day, he comes back to see what progress has been made. First, he sees that the Norwegian team has put up 15 poles.

"For a job w...

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Procrastination is like masturbation.

It feels good while you do it. But at the end of the day, you're just fucking yourself.

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a littl...

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A father tucks his 3 year old daughter to bed...

He tells her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, 

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to ...

Sheep

At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"

"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.

"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

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A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

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So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.

After class is over and the st...

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

The town mayor decided to test how competent their emergency services were.

Each service will be sent into the woods to find a rabbit by the end of the day.

First up are the ambulances. They rush into the woods, scoop up the first thing they see, and rush it to the nearest hospital before presenting the mayor with a massive bill for their time.

Then the fire...

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing

He is on the second hole when he notices
a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and
doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog
wrong...

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