UPJOKE

Eat Me Jokes

I thought that my pet alligator was going to eat me!

Turns out he was just pulling my leg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Aren't you gonna eat me now?" asked the male praying mantis after sex

"Nah, that's just the females."

If you eat me, you die. If you drink me, you die. If you breathe me, you die. What am I?

I am























































Nothing\~

Two prawns….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a ...

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

A grizzly tried to eat me once

It was unbearable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cucumber is talking to a penis

The cucumber says: My life is hard. When I get hard, they chop me up and eat me.

The penis says: That's nothing! When I get hard, they put a bag over my head, throw me in a dark room, and make me do pushups until I puke.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican and Democratic congressman spot each other at Disney World with their respective families.

The Republican turns red from embarrassment.

“Look man, don’t tell any of my colleagues I was down here supporting *Disney.* They’ll eat me alive for supporting this woke company!”

The Democrat replies:

“Shit, you think I want anyone to know I was down here in Florida?”

There was a piece of cake in the fridge with a note on it that said, "Don't eat me."

Now there's an empty plate and a note, "I don't take orders from a cake."

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