UPJOKE
holiotherkwanzaa

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

How will people in the future congratulate eachother?

With Sci-Fives

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Two old geezers are hobbling along toward eachother on the sidewalk.

They each have a terrible limp. One old man can barely put weight on his left leg as he staggers slowly and painstakingly on the sidewalk with his cain . The second old man has a right leg as stiff as a board. He drags it laboriously alongside him with each step, his foot scraping the sidewalk....

Elon Musk and some European guy sat next to eachother on a plane.

Being bored, Musk turned to the European and said; "Lets play a game. You ask me a question, if I dont know the answer, I pay you 500 dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you dont know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars." The European, thinking for a second, said; "sure, but you ask the first questi...

Out in space, 2 aliens are talking to eachother...

The first alien says, *"The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."*

The second alien asks, *"Are they an emerging intelligence?"*

The first alien responds, *"Hmm...I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"*

My heart says we are meant for eachother

My brain asks, are we really?

Zoo employee: "Sir! Stay where you are and let go of the penguin!"

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Two Men Are Talking to Eachother

The first man is telling the second man that he keeps all his items on shelves. The second man replies with “I keep all my important items in my Fanny pack”. The first man wants him to prove it because the second man doesn’t have a Fanny pack on. So the second man asks for the nearest bathroom.

Two crocodile themed cars were driving right behind eachother.

They were tailgators

Two guys sitting next to eachother

Guy 1: bro can you pass me a drink
Guy 2: ok bro
Guy 1: and can you pass me the chips
Guy 2: bro fine
Guy 1: also can you pass me the leaflet
Guy 2: brochure

What do you call two homeless people hitting eachother with cardboard?

A pillow fight.

I hate when baby’s kiss eachother

...It’s like, get a womb for god sake

Three guys just met eachother and they have a conversation about different sorts of paste

The first guy says: "I know everything about tomato paste, because I own an Italian restaurant."

The second guy says: "I know everything about toothpaste, because I am a dentist."

The third guy says: "I know everything about copy-paste, because I am a Redditor."

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

Four people were involved in a stand off where they all shot and killed eachother.

It was a four gun conclusion.

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John: What did to oceans say to eachother?

Mike: I don't know.
John: Nothing they just waved.
Mike: Your jokes suck ass.
John: God you don't have to be such a beach about it.

Two vegans bump into eachother at a BBQ

"We must stop meating like this."

How do blind men rob eachother?

By accident

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Two friends are talking to eachother the day after getting really drunk

One says to the other "Last night was wild, how well did you sleep?"

He replies "like a baby"

"Really? That well?"

"Not well at all, I woke up to cry a few times and pissed myself"

What does the pirates say to motivate eachother during a race?

Rum bottle, RUM!

Why do astronauts always sit one chair apart from eachother when drinking alcohol?

Because they're at a space bar.

It's unfortunate that the NASA and SpaceX astronauts weren't social distancing with eachother...

But their PPE is out of this world!

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A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods next to eachother.....

The bear asks the rabbit”do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?” The rabbit says”I do not” then the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore.

... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.

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Three best friends have known eachother since high school...

They ended up going to the same college together, and getting a job at the same factory together. Bill, Jacob, and Mark were always known to hangout together, they were inseparable.

One day, the factory catches on fire, and once all of the factory workers regroup, they do accountability. Two...

How do two Marines find eachother in the dark?

Very satisfying

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How do Japanese bloods say whats up to eachother?

Wassah B?

Three Mice Are Bragging to eachother

The first mouse says: I will eat tons of mouse-poison, but it does nothing to me. The second mouse says, well for me a mouse trap is peanuts! I just pull the lever and take the cheese!

The Third says: Oh you two, stop bragging already! Wait... what time is it? Oh, I have to go home, i have t...

An Englishman, a Russian and a Greek guy are on the same flight, sitting next to eachother

When they are flying over England, the Englishman says, "England is the best country, check out how well they handle this." he drops a sword out of the window.

When they are flying over Russia, the Russian says, "Mother Russia is the best country, look how efficiently we deal with this." he ...

What do you call it when two hand amputees high five eachother?

A stump bump.

If 2 vegans are upset with eachother, is it called beef?

Or would it be a brussel bout?

What do you call it when you and your homie help eachother both bust a nut?

Cummunism

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What’s the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.... said maybe they'll marry eachother.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age.

You would think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to eachother

But instead they steal each others electrons.

How ionic.

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Three boys are walking next to eachother in a park one day

Their names are Fuck you, Shit and Manners.

All three are talking about their day when Shit trips over and lands on the floor quite hard, twisting his ankle.

Manners being the closest runs to him and tries to help him up, but can't as he is in too much pain.

Fuck you, in a pani...

I heard the last two kids rescued raced eachother to the end of the cave...

Rescuers reported the race ended in a Thai.

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A couple are talking to eachother about the new neighbors. "Arent you upset about her always sunbathing nude in her back yard?" Says the wife.

"Im not sure, I'm sort of on the fence" says the husband.

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An angel is making his rounds on earth, when he comes across a pair of statues in a park, beautiful nude sculptures of a man and woman facing eachother..

They are placed at the entrance to the park, and the angel is stuck by how beautiful they are, and how tragic it is for then to be eternally so close, yet unable to touch. He decides he will use some of his power to animate them, and in an instant they stand before him.

"I have seen how dilig...

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What do you call a couple of asses standing next to eachother in an asparagus field?

An ass-pair, I guess?

At the ceramic tile factory they have employee parties where they make the tiles stand on edge. Instead of commending the skill involved they make fun of eachother.

It is an erect tile diss function.

So HBO is making a drama about relatives conspiring against eachother to take control of the family pastry company

It's going to be called Game of Scones

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The rabbit and the bear

One day a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods, when suddenly a magic stork flys down from the sky and calls the two of them over.

The stork says he's seen them be aggressive to eachother for weeks now and he'll offer them both 3 wishes each if they stop. The bear being greedy says "I'm...

A blonde sits next to a professor on a plane

The flight gets longer and longer and the professor looks over at the blonde and makes a deal with her

They will tell eachother a riddle. If she can solve his she gets 500 dollars and if he can solve hers he gets only 5 dollars. The blonde feeling she has nothing to lose gives her riddle
<...

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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

Two farmers met at the road

They greet eachother and the first one realises the other one is carrying a big bucket.

"Howdy, Mike! What are you carrying in that bucket?"

"Well -he answers-, it's some fine manure for them strawberries!"

"Good lord, Mike! -yells the first one- You really should try them stra...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight frien...

Atoms

Did you know, atoms never touch eachother. Since we're made from atoms, we've never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question, officer, no I didn't punch that kid

A 100 married men go to hell

Here they meet the devil who gives them an option, either stand in the left row which grants them access to heaven.

Or stand in the right row where eternal torture awaits.

However, you can not stand in the left row if your wife was the boss in the relationship.

After a swift shu...

We had a reverse name day in school today

We had to refer to eachother by our names spelt backwards.

And now I hate my parents for calling me Lana

Eyes

Two men are sitting in a bar, talking to eachother. One asks the other if he ever looks his wife in the eyes while making love. "I did once" the other responds, "But I saw a lot of anger in her eyes". The first, looking confused: "Why was that?"

"Because she was looking from outside through t...

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

My grandpa's favorite joke

Two guys are driving from Kansas to Maine and they drive by a sign for Worcester, MA. They both look at eachother and say, 'how the hell do you pronounce that?" The driver says "War-chester", the passanger says, "Nah, its gotta be "wir-ster". They argue a bit and decide that the only way to know for...

Man walked by old man sitting on bench openly weeping, so the man said, “what’s wrong?” The old man responds..

I’m married to a beautiful 25-year old woman who quit her modeling career to spend time with me. Every single night she makes love to me like no other woman ever has in my life, she follows it up with dinner afterwards cooks me up a delicious gourmet meal then we fall asleep holding eachother in bed...

Need some jokes

So I'm a mailman and I deliver to a barber where we do a joke a day to eachother. I need some new jokes to tell, they can be clean or dirty as he has a sense of humor. If you have a good barber or mailmen joke would be a plus. Thank you in advance.

The Lawyer and the Mexican

A lawyer and a Mexican live next to eachother in the most cookie-cutter neighborhood you can imagine.
One day, they're both mowing the frontlawn. The Mexican says:

"You know, my house is worth more than yours."

The lawyer is confused. He responds:

"How? Our houses are identi...

I have a really good relatipnship with the elevator operator.

We speak to eachother on so many different levels.

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A group of 3 friends go out to a club one night

and have the best time of their life.
They get pretty drunk, and by the end of the night they get in the car and leave.
Drunkenly, they hit a tree on the way home and all three of them are dead on impact.
When they arrive in Heaven, they're welcomed by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

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A man walks into a bar ...

... and sits down at a table. He had a pretty hard day at work so he orders a double and something to eat. While he waits for his food, a handful of others come in looking as beleaguered as he feels. These new patrons sit down at nearby tables and place orders similar to that which the man made.
...

Wars would be obsolete if women ruled the world

There would just be a bunch of jealous countries who do not talk to eachother.

The Nigerian ambassador goes to visit the house of the ambassador of France

It's a huge and luxurious house with gardens, pools, greek statues and paintings.

The Nigerian ambassador wanders with the French ambassador after dining. The Nigerian ambassador then asks to the French ambassador how did he do to afford that house.
The French ambassador then tells him to ...

I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a condom fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.

I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.

I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."

When i was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his

We were maid for eachother .

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What do you call...

What do you call 10 naked guys standing on eachothers shoulders?? A scrotum pole!

What do you call a school bus full of a bunch of naked white guys?? A twinkie!

Your welcome. Lolol

What did the oceans say when they met?

Nothing, they just waved at eachother.

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Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon

Three men are on a river expedition in the Amazon. One from England, one from France, and one from New York. A few days into the trip they encounter some rapids and wreck their boat. They wash up on shore and are immediately captured by a local tribe. The leader of the tribe steps forward and says ...

Two brothers are arguing when their mother enters the room.

The mother says, ‘Why are you two arguing?’ One son answers, ‘We found a £10 and decided that whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.’
‘You should be ashamed of yourselves,’ says the mother. ‘When I was your ages I didn’t even know what a lie was.’ The boys look at eachother and reluctantl...

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Two Germans are at a pub in London after a long day of business meetings.

They're having a good 'ol laugh amongst eachother when one of them passes out on the floor. Not having been to Britain before, the other man cries out asking what number to call for help.

The bartender yells: "Nine, Nine, Nine"

To which the German replies: "Fuck you my friend needs h...

My girlfriend and I were fighting in the car

We glared at eachother and I thought neither of us would back down, but in the end we struck an Accord.

A man named Naver fell in love with a woman named Yoo

After a while of awkward conversations, Naver confessed his love to Yoo. Yoo accepted, and they started dating. It started small, going to the movies, and eventually they moved in with eachother.
Eventually, they got married, had a massive wedding, inviting all of their friends, family, and the...

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3 Men and a Woman are stranded on an Island

Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.

After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have sex with her every other day so that everyones Sex drive could be fulfilled.

The Woman agrees and the...

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Marriage sex

When you first get married, you have everywhere sex. Kitchen counters, tables, couch, back yard. You're fucking everywhere.

After a few months you have bedroom sex, the often occurrence of the late night and early morning quickie.

After a few years you get into the hallway sex. When y...

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A black man and an ukrainan walk into a bar

A black man and a ukrainian walk into a bar in Moscow

They look at eachother for a while and then the black goes first:

Give me a shot of vodka! -he says to the bartender (he gets it and drinks it)

The ukrainian looks at him and orders a shot of whiskey (he gets it and drinks...

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A Nun, a Priest and a camel

So theres a nun and a priest walking through a vast desert with their camel. On the camel is their water and food plus all other belongings. They've been walking for a few days before suddenly the camel collapses. The priest checks its breathing and confirms it's dead. With too far to go and no way ...

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A terrible joke from my childhood

Three friends all were in the same class at school. They all had nicknames for eachother that were Dick, Pee and Zip. These names caught on and soon everyone, even teachers, refered to them by their nicknames.

One day they were all in class and their teacher left the room and the three boys t...

One day, a princess kissed a frog...

The frog immediately turned into a handsome prince!

And soon they fell madly in love with eachother.

Before long they were at the drugstore picking out condoms.

The prince noticed that they had three kinds, and, being the gentleman that he was, asked the princess:

"Would ...

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Creativity testing

Three men are chosen to test their creativity; an American, a Frenchman and a Russian.

All are placed in rooms, which are secure and inescapable. They all are handed 3 titanium balls, made to last, unbreakable and solid.

After 2 hours, the researchers start checking up on them; the Ame...

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A stairway builder was retiring

On his last day the manager held a speech for him in the lunch-room.
"This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of eachother and reach heaven!"

The retiring builder, a bit red...

A man fresh out of boot camp is stationed to a fire base in Iraq.

His C.O. is showing him around the base and as the tour is wrapping up he concludes,

"I know it gets lonely out here, but right behind the coms tent is this cammel. If you get lonely just use that."

Confused the solder finds the cammel, it's mangey, and flea bitten, and old. He thinks...

A New Yorker Was Teaching A Midwesterner How To Ski

A Midwesterner is on vacation in the Poconos. Over there, he decides to take up downhill skiing. He's done a lot of cross country skiing, but he's never skied downhill, since there are no mountains over in Fargo. Fargo's flatter than a pancake.

He decided to try downhill skiing. "How hahr...

Two identical twins separated at birth...

... And are put up for adoption. One of the twins gets adopted by a Mexican couple and is named Juan. The other twin gets adopted by an Egyptian family and is named Hamal.
Years later their biological mother and father receive a letter from both their children saying how through a bizarre series...

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Overheard at the Gynecologist Office:

A blonde, a brunette & red head are waiting to be seen at the Gynecologist office. All three are pregnant. They start talking to eachother about their babies.

Brunette: I'm going to have a boy because I was on top during sex.

Redhead: Well, I was on the bottom during sex so I'm hav...

Haven't seen this one in long enough

Guy goes to a bar and gets 3 shots on christmas every year. Bartender asks why. He says he has 2 brothers in different countries and they all go to a bar on christmas and get 3 shots and drink on behalf of eachother. One year he comes and orders 2 shots. The bartender saddened by this asks the man i...

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A Russian, an American, and an Irishman is in a bar, drinking and bragging (long)

The russian guy says: "in Russia, we have the biggest fleet in the world - if we put all our ships up, front to end on the atlantic, you could walk from Amstedam to New York"

The American says: "yes, but we have the largest airforce, if we flew all our planes over europe, the entire continent...

Three friends are on a road trip...

They decide to stop for the night at the only hotel in town. As they get up to the reception desk, they are informed that there is only one room left and it's a queen. The three are comfortable enough with eachother and decide the minor inconvenience is worth not driving a few hours down the road ...

Canadian zombie apocalypse

A man is in Toronto and there's nothing but havoc. People are eating eachother alive, people are running scared and others are transforming infront of their eyes. He notices a man lurching over beside him before puking blood in his face, and he tells him, "I...want...to eat...your brains!!" He cries...

A white doctor in Africa

It's a white doctor in an african village. One day, a horde of African men came to his office and said:
" Doc, we respect you, but we saw that many women started having white babies!"
The doctor laughed and replied: "Oh no! it's not what you think it is! you see, in my ranch I have a lot of w...

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I don't give a sh*t.

One time, on a beautiful sunny day, three good friends made a deal to not give a shit about anything anymore.
After some time of walking behind eachother, one guy notices a 100 dollar bill, stops above it, and thinks whether to pick it up or not.
Then he says quietly:
"Aaah, fuck it, i do...

Pete is walking down the harbour and sees 2 fishermen. He always wanted to have a go at fishing so he goes up to them to ask.

Pete has a stutter though so he goes " h-he-hello guys would y-you you mind if i come f-f-fi-fishing with you?"
They look at eachother and decide that "yes you can come, but be quiet, we don't want you to scare away the fish". So pete all happy gets in the boat and they go out into the sea.
A...

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3 men and 1 genie are stranded on an island

3 men are stranded on an island. they meet a genie who tells them that he will send them back home if they can complete two simple tasks, but if they fail he will kill them. the first task is to go find a fruit.

all men leave and after a while the first men appears with a cherry. the genie te...

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Two black men

are walking down a city street and come across a building reading "Only 98 cents to change your skin color," the men paused and looked at eachother. One Black man says "Wow, that would make life so much easier for us! I got 99 cents in my pocket." The other replies "Yes it would but I only got 97 ...

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A man and a woman met in Vegas...

A man and a woman met in Vegas. They caught sight of eachother and immediately fell deeply in love. That same night, the man proposes to her. She looks him in the eyes and says, "Honey, I have a confession. I am extremely flat chested. If that bothers you, let me know and I will leave now."
...

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Sexual education with John Wayne

The first time I got sexual education in elementary school, we were told to write a small text about sex and read it out loud in front of the class. Most stories were about "when a man and a woman love eachother", when their dog gave birth to puppies, etc...
I wrote this:
"John Wayne is being ...

Bill Gates dies and goes to to the Pearly Gates.

Once there, St Peter looks throught his huge book, and finds Bills name.

"Im sorry" St Peter says. "It says here that you havent been particularly good, but, not bad either."

"It seems actually that all your good and bad deeds weight eachother out, so, there is nothing telling me if yo...

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

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An Australian, an American, and an Irish builder...

...are sitting on top of the (unfinished) 18th floor of the building they've been working on, eating their lunches.

The Australian man pulls out a vegemite sandwich, and he says to the other two, "If i get another vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building. I'm sick of ...

Two hunters were walking through the woods

Two hunters were walking through the woods trying to find a spot to set up their deer stand. During their search they found a large hole in the middle of the woods. They looked down into the hole and were unable to see the bottom, so they started trying to find things they could throw to see how dee...

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Two guys with black eyes

Two men sitting next to eachother on a plane notice that they both have black eyes, and they struck up a conversation.

" How did you get your black eye?" said the first man.

"Funny story," said the second man,"I was buying my ticket at the counter and the young lady selling the tickets...

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A man goes to a bar in the top floor of a high rise building.

When he approches the bar, a man infront of him orders a scotch and proceeds to walk to the window where he jumps out. Shocked and horrified the man runs to the window and sees no sign of the man. He orders his drink and try to process what just happend.


About an hour later the window ju...

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Three friends find a lamp and release a Genie...

The Genie is extremely grateful to the three friends for releasing him from his dormant stage and offers three wishes to each man.

The first one says "I want to have enough money that I don't have to work another day in my life." As soon as he finished, his phone beeped saying he had $10 Mil ...

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