UPJOKE

E Plus Jokes

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

Oh Jesus!

Little Bobby was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Bobby down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
...

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

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A man arrives home at his local airport...

He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"

"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.

"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller

"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.

The nex...

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

A Jewish boy comes home from school one day

A Jewish boy comes home and gives his father his report card for the first marking period and he gets a D in math. His father is quite upset and tells his son he’s got to do better. After the second marking period The boy gets an F in math and his father is very upset now and decides to pull him out...

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A Irish student

A teacher asks the class “can anyone can draw the number 9 without using numbers or words?” An Irish student says “that’s easy” and comes to the board. He draws 3 trees, the teacher says “how is that 9?”. The Irish kid says “are you stupid? Tree plus tree plus tree equals 9”. The teacher says “ok s...

A student keeps flunking math class and his parents sent him to a Catholic School out of desperation

After the first month, he has a solid A in math. "Son, are the nuns better teachers?" "No." Is the curriculum better?" "No." "Then what is it son, why are getting A's now?" "Well, when I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign in the chapel, I knew they meant business."

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Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.

He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."
" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

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[NSFW] A man with a large penis goes to the doctor

For he has a very bad stuttering problem.

He says the to doctor “i i i I’ve g g g got a a a a p p p problem i can’t t t t talk in f f f full S S S sentences.”

The doctor says “well maybe you just have a bad stutter but we will run some tests on you to make sure.”

So they run t...

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

This is a really dumb joke but here it is. What do you call a person with no body and no nose

Nobody knows


Yeah this a really dumb joke plus I'm not that funny IK

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

Insomnia is awful.......

but on the plus side, only three sleeps till Christmas!!

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.

One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count ...

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Basic math

A Jewish boy was failing math,

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed hi...

Sadly, Maradonna has passed away

The plus side is God finally gets his hand back

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I ...

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school.

He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.

A Mathematician, an Electrician and a Lawyer are having a job interview.

The Interviewer asked the three Men, "What's the answer to one plus one?"

The Mathematician instantly replied, "Two!"

The Electrician went away, measured lots of things, and eventually came back and gladly said, "Two"

The lawyer looked around, closed the door, leaned in towards ...

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A little Irish math test

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” Paddy says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” th...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

A young aristocratic woman pulls up to a large New York bank in her Rolls Royce.

She parks in front of the bank and goes inside where she is greeted by a banker.

"Hi, Sir. I would like to take out a loan using my Rolls Royce as collateral" the woman says to the banker.

"Yes ma'am. How much money will you need to borrow?" he asks.

"$500.00 please" says the ...

A man walks into a bar with a gun..

A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, “I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”


A voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo!”

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