UPJOKE

Duck Hunt Jokes

The duck hunt

An urbanite goes duck hunting in the countryside. When he sees a duck, he takes aim and shoots. But the bird falls on a farmer's estate, and the farmer does not hand over the prey.

"That's my bird," the urbanite insists on his right. The farmer suggests settling the dispute with a kick ...

Duck hunting in a village

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in a village. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I sho...

Two statistician buddies went duck hunting.

One of them took aim and fired, missing the duck by three inches to the left. The other statistician took his turn and missed the duck by three inches to the right.

After arguing for a while about who missed, they decided to put their heads together to solve the problem. Suddenly, one of them...

Two rednecks went out duck hunting

After several hours one said to the other "Hey man; this sucks! How come we aint gettin' any ducks?"

And the second said "I 'unno man, maybe we aint throwin' the dog high enough!"

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Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

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So a rich lawyer from New York is duck hunting in Michigan

and he hits a duck and it falls in a nearby farmer's field. He walks into the field to retrieve his his duck. The farmer walks up and says
"You're on my propriety get off!"
The lawyer replies
"Well I shot my duck and it landed in your field if you stop me I'll take your ass to court and su...

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A man and his friends go duck hunting.

They’re sitting in a duck blind and huge flock flies over them. One of his friends yells “FIRE!”

The man takes his shotgun and hits a duck, but it lands on the roof of a barn. The man walks over to retrieve his duck and is met with a grumpy farmer.

The man says, “Hey me and my buddies...

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A man went duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his shotgun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was partly to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the birdshot...

Four doctors are sitting in a boat in the reeds, duck hunting.

The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: "I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion."

The specialist says: "I can schedule you in for a consult in two months."

The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of t...

Three guys after a day of duck hunting

A scientist, an engineer and a civil servant started to brag about their dogs.
The scientist says “Watch this, Computer, come. Computer, take six cookies from this bag”

The dog does as commanded

The engineer says, “that’s good, watch this. Steamshovel, put these cookies into t...

Duck Hunting Joke

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

A hunter and two mathematics professors go duck hunting.

The hunter lets the professors have the first shot, and they both try to shoot the same duck.

The first professor shoots and misses by 25 metres to the right.

The second shoots and misses as well, by 25 metres to the left, then turns and high fives the first professor.

The hunte...

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Duck hunting

Once while afield in the Scottish moors, I shot a Bluewing Teal as it crested a low hill. Seeing it pinwheel out of sight in a cloud of feathers, I hotfooted over the hill to recover my dinner. As I passed the crest, I spotted an obvious Pakistani reaching for the duck.

"Hey! What the fuck ar...

So a family practitioner, a gynecologist, a surgeon, and a mortician go duck hunting....

NOTE BEFORE YOU READ: This joke is most often told amongst doctors, and you need to know a little bit about medical sub-specialties to get it.

A family practitioner, a gynecologist, a surgeon, and a mortician go hunting.

After a while in the woods, they spot a bird flying overhead. Th...

I was out duck hunting with Olivia Wilde.

After a while, Olivia spotted a massive duck in the distance and insisted that I hunt it down.

I started to follow it, through bushes and brambles, woods and fields, over hills and through valleys, until finally, I caught up with it. The huge duck turned in my direction, honked and started r...

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

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A man loves to duck hunt one night his wife asks to go with him the next day

He told her she could. The next morning he wakes up gets the dog, grabs the guns and the decoys and wakes her up. She looks at the clock, sees it’s 3:45 and tells him she’s going back to sleep. He says “you have 3 choices. You give me a BJ, you let me put it in your ass, or you’re going hunting. She...

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Two buddies go duck hunting...

Two buddies go duck hunting. They had been hunting for a while when one had to take a dump. So he leans his shotgun up against a fence and goes over to take care of business. Suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along. It blows his shotgun over and it accidentally discharges and shoots him right in ...

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I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to play tonight and she said, "Duck Hunt!"

So I said, "But you're always a cunt."

After a long day of duck hunting I was famished... so I decided to sit down, put my feet up, and have my favorite snack...

Cheese and quackers.

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Boudreaux & Thibodeaux

One morning Thibodeaux was sitting on his dock enjoying the sunrise when Boudreaux pulls up in his boat filled with duct tape. Thibodeaux looks at him, and asks "what you doing with a boat full of duct tape?" Boudreaux replies "I'm going duck hunting! You wanna come?" "You can't hunt ducks with duc...

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A man invites a friend to watch his prize duck hunting dog at work...

They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.

At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owne...

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A guy buys a dog...

... from a reputable breeder. The breeder assured him that the dog would hunt birds, and retrieve waterfowl.
So the guy takes the dog duck hunting, he shoots one, the dog jumps in and starts to sink. The guy has to go get him. He figured it might have been a fluke, so he tries again, same results...

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An old man was sitting on his farm porch one evening and saw a kid walk by holding a roll of duct tape.

Man: “where you going with that duct tape?”

Kid: “Duck hunting”

Man: “you don’t catch ducks with duct tape!”

Kid ignores him and and hour later comes past with a few ducks.
The next day he’s walking by with chicken wire.

Man: “ where you going with that chicken wire?...

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Finding the right dog

Joey decides he wants to start hunting, and he just loves the taste of fresh duck. He starts gathering gear for his first trip when an old-timer mentions he's gonna need a dog. The old-timer goes on to tell him to be careful of the dog he gets. If the dog's asshole is too big, it'll fill with water ...

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A Duck Hunter gets stopped by a Game Warden

The Warden picks up a duck from his sack, sticks his finger in his butt then sniffs it, and says, "This duck is from Mississippi. You gotta license to hunt duck in Mississippi, son?" Yes Sir yes sir, here you go. (Hands him the license and he looks at it then hands it back) It all checked out. <...

Florida Man calls 911

Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Florida Man: "Hello ma'am, me and my buddy Jackson were out duck hunting, when a big gator came out of the water and attacked us. It bit up my leg real good, then it dragged Jackson under the water, but I scared it off with my shotgun."

O: "Okay,...

My girlfriend is mad at me ...

Because I beat her in Duck Hunt.



tip: Read it out loud

What’s a gynecologist’s favorite Nintendo game?

Duck Hunt

Jokes my grandpa told me when I was a kid.

A man goes duck hunting and spends two days without seeing a duck. On the third day he finally sees one and shoots it. The duck wounded tries to fly away. It lands in a farmer's yard, hits the barn roof, and falls off.
The hunter tries to sneak over the fence. As he gets close to the duck, he se...

an oldie but a goodie

This farmer buys a dog to go duck hunting with. The first day out he shoots a duck and it falls in the lake. To his amazement the dog walks on the water over to the duck, picks it up and brings it back to the farmer.

To test his disbelief he shoots another one. Once again the dog walks over a...

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

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Texas Three Kick Rule.

A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake, and a farm.

The Lawyer was a bad shot, and scared all the ducks into the air. One finally landed on the fence of the farm across from the lake. The lawyer took aim, and fired. The duck keeled over and fell onto the dirt on the farm's s...

Pessimist

Friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of continual Pessimistic way of thinking.


The Optimist owned a huntin' dog that could...

The duck hunter

Grandpa was a keen country sportsman and one day he decided to take his grandson shooting with him. Togged up in all his hunting gear, shotgun broken across his forearm, he proudly led little Jimmy down to the lake side. After waiting patiently for a while a lone duck came into view flying over the ...

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A doctor, an engineer, and a soldier are walking in the woods...

A doctor, an engineer, and a soldier are walking in the woods with their dogs on a duck hunting trip.

Suddenly, a group of ducks fly up into the air. The doctor pulls out his precision rifle...BANG! BANG! BANG! Three ducks fall from the sky. The doctor yells "Scalpel, fetch!". His dog runs up...

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My favorite medical joke

A radiologist, internist, surgeon and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time together. Huddled in their duck blind, they see their first bird in the distance take flight but don’t want to shoot something not in season. They quickly debate the best way to assure it’s truly a duck.

...

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The bird dog

Billy Bob decides he wants to go duck hunting and needs a bird dog.

His partner tells him to be sure to get one with a nice tight asshole, otherwise the dog will fill up with water and sink.

So Billy Bob goes to the local kennel and asks to see the bird dogs. The owner takes him to ...

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.

His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As ...

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The Duck Hunter

So this duck hunter finally talked his wife into going hunting with him. They were to leave very early the next day, so they prepared everything the night before. The alarm clock was set for 3am, and hubby was gonna get up first and make sure everything was ready.

He got up to check on stuff,...

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