UPJOKE

Does Anyone Know Jokes

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

Does anyone know how to avoid click bait?

Apparently not.

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Does anyone know what the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

The teacher asked the class: "Does anyone know how ventriloquism works?"

"Me!" I said. "I do, I do!"

"Put your hand up before you speak."

I said, "Exactly."

I was drinking a margarita and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one guy.

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Does anyone know a good dick joke?

I do. But if I type it out on here, it would be too shlong.

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Does anyone know a cure for sex addiction?

Cuz I've tried fucking everything.

Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over

I want to watch Hamlet on a streaming platform. Does anyone know which one it's on?

Is it Tubi or not Tubi?

Does anyone know any good tree puns?

I'm pining fir a new one, but they're not that poplar.

Does anyone know the quote one mans trash is another man's treasure.

Its a great quote but a terrible way to find out your adopted.

Does anyone know what an ink blot test is?

I Googled it, but all I can find are pictures of my parents yelling at me.

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

Does anyone know where I can go to meet someone who will hang out and do things with me?

Asking for a friend.

Does anyone know how many beans are in 1 can of beans?

Two hundred thirty nine, because one more would be two farty

Does anyone know the Pete and Repeat joke origin?

"Pete and Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?" "Repete." "Pete and Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?" etc, etc.

Does anyone know the opposite of export elephant?

It's important.

Does anyone know of any forums for fellow ax murderers?

We can share LifeHacks ...

Does anyone know?

If we can shower yet, or just keep washing our hands?

Does anyone know who Pavlov is?

His name rings a bell...

Does anyone know where I can get a longer dipstick from?

Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore..

Does anyone know a good joke in sign language?

I don’t think I’ve ever heard one.

Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump?

T hanks

Does anyone know how to fix a noisy dishwasher?

I've tried flowers and chocolates, but she's still whinging

Does anyone know of an office job that will hire someone with zero verifiable experience?

Yes, the White House recently did. Apply there.

Does anyone know what a manocleptiac is ?

A person who walks into a store backwards and leaves stuff on the counter ! Sorry

Does anyone know the latest age that someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

Does anyone know why tik tok data is getting stolen?

I thought they would be looking for intelligence.....

Does anyone know where I could find people with similar interests to regularly hang out with?

Asking for a friend.

Everyone knows what sin city is. But does anyone know what is den city?

Mass per unit volume

Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

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Does anyone know what this Japanese rice wine is called?

I can't remember the name, for Heaven's sake.

Does anyone know what happened to the Tetris Movie?

All the pieces were in place, but it disappeared

Does anyone know how long it takes to fix a hearing aid?

I sent mine away two weeks ago and heard nothing since!

Does anyone know of any crematoriums...

that give discounts for burn victims?

Does anyone know who this Rorschach guy is?

He keeps drawing pictures of my parents fighting

Does anyone know what's so special about Vantablack?

I think it's really lackluster.

Does anyone know how to easily peel a kiwi?

All those feathers keep getting in the way

Does anyone know if Jerry Falwell Jr. is still scheduled to speak at the Republican National Convention?

Or is he just going to sit in the corner and watch?

Does anyone know where they sell Less?

People have been telling me for years I have to eat it, and really should be drinking it too!

Does anyone know what my dad does with his belt when he takes it off?

Beats me...

Quick! Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver?

England just choked.

Does anyone know a good phlebotomy joke?

I've been trying to come up with one, but my efforts have been in vein.

Does anyone know where Engagement, Ohio is?

About halfway between Dayton and Marion

Does anyone know where I can find the "Surrender" Emoji?

Nevermind the French flag works fine. 🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷

Does anyone know if Donald Trump saw his shadow this morning?

Six more weeks of government shutdown coming if he did!

Does anyone know any good gags?

Said Kim's robber.

Does anyone know the cost to maintain Fenway Park from season to season?

I don’t need exact figures, just a ballpark estimate.

Does anyone know what Barack Obama’s favorite nut is?

Yes, pecan!

Does anyone know what happened to the spice girls?

They all became old spice

Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes?

I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

Merry Christmas everyone! Does anyone know how to take care of birds?

I just received a bird in a tree anonymously, if anyone could help me, thanks!

Does anyone know how much a blimp is worth?

I was going to google it, but I was worried it wouldn't account for inflation.

Does anyone know any sad, lonely people who are going to be spending Christmas alone?

Cause I need to borrow some chairs.

This is my 27th wedding anniversary, does anyone know the gift for that year?

Is it concrete or lead?

Does anyone know where concentrate is?

I've been drinking lovely orange juice from there for years now..

Does anyone know how long it takes to cook those boil in the bag fish.

I didn't get any instructions at the fun fair.

Does anyone know where I could hire a friend for a few hours?

It's not for me though, i'm looking for a friend.

Does anyone know where to find about 454 graham crackers?

I'm making a pound cake for dessert

Does anyone know why people are buying Chris Brown's new album?

Because it beats me.

Does anyone know what the tiny little bumps around the nipple are?

They're braille for "Suck me"

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Request: Does anyone know any good jokes about Juan Ponce de Leon?

Sorry, I know this isn't the usual fare here, but my son is looking for jokes about Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon to share with his Social Studies class. Nothing too NSFW - it's for ten-year-olds.

Thanks!

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed

Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.

Does anyone know of a kind of relationship where you and the other person have a caring and mutual bond -- but you're not romantically attached to them, and you're not their family?

Asking for a friend.

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I was onboard a flight when a stewardess announced “The pilot is having a heart attack! Does anyone know how to fly this plane?”

Nobody said anything so I said “sure, I’ll give it a shot” and went into the cockpit.

I swear to God, it took me *4 hours* just to get it off the runway.

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today?

We would get paid every day, and all women would bleed to death.

Does anyone know of a good character encoding standard that I can give to someone I care about?

ASCII for a friend.

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Does anyone know if you can take a skin graft from a donkey and transplant it onto a mate of mine who was burned?

Just ass skin for a friend.

I finally came up with an original joke!

Does anyone know if there's a subreddit for it?

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

Little Johnny was sitting in Sunday school on Easter

The Sunday school teacher said "Today is all about the resurrection, does anyone know what that is?"

Little Johnny raises his hand....

"I do! And if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to call a doctor!"

I need some technical advice.

Does anyone know how to deactivate the "Sock hiding" program in the washing machine?

During a church's 100th anniversary celebration, the local priest invited former priests and the bishop to attend.

At one point, he called the children to gather at the altar and spoke to them about the significance of the day.

He began by asking them, 'Does anyone know what the bishop does?'

There was silence. Finally a little boy responded in a serious tone, "He's the one you can move diagonally...

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

My wife is coming back from holiday tomorrow...

Does anyone know how to delete the memory, from my memory foam mattress?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.....

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leath...

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

Oh no the apocalypse is here! I’ve already killed 12 zombies! How’s everyone else doing? Also one question.

Does anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

Today I had a covid and an IQ test.

Apparently I have 85 corona in my body. Does anyone know if thats a lot?

Oh and for those wondering, my IQ test was positive!

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.

The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"



Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.



Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

We all know where the Big Apple is...

But does anyone know where the Minneapolis

I love reddit

I love reddit, but does anyone know if there's a version with new content?

A man falls asleep in church

Every Sunday a man and his wife attend church. The man has a bad habit of falling asleep during services, so one Sunday his wife brings a hat pin and pokes him everytime he drifts off. The priest is giving his sermon and asks who gave birth to Jesus? The man is asleep wife jabs him and he blurts o...

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Is it true that dogs have bacteria in their mouths that can cause infections?

And on an unrelated note, does anyone know where i can buy peanutbutter flavoured condoms?

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