UPJOKE

Do You Know How Jokes

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


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Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business?

Start with $44B

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mother Teresa lived to 87. Do you know how much sex she had in all those years?

Nun.

How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh , give a weigh, give it a weigh now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know how to have sex?

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the ...

Do you know how to identify a Dogwood tree?

The BARK!

Do you know how many times I've stuck my fingers together when using glue?

*hold your hand up, but keep your fingers together*

This many times!

Do you know how fuel efficient a pirate ship is?

It can get 40 miles to the galleon

Do you know how can I remove this stain from my dress?

- Come again?
- No, this time is red wine…

Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?

Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

I said to my tailor, "Do you know how to make a pair of trousers last?"

He said, "Sure - make the jacket first."

A Navy recruiter asks a man “Do you know how to swim?”

The man replies, “Why? Have you run out of ships?”

A cop stops a motorist. "Sir, you were playing a trombone while driving. Do you know how dangerous that is?!"

"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."

Do you know how you can tell Monopoly's an old game?

...it has a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

Do You Know How I Know I Have A Buddhist Vacuum Cleaner?

It doesn't have any attachments

Do you know how you know when a guy goes to Harvard.

They tell you.

Do you know how annoying it is to drill small holes?

Only a little bit.

Do you know how much a baby chicken costs?

Neither do I, but I know they cheap cheap cheap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

do you know how much of a virgin i am?

even when I flip a coin it wouldn't give me head

Sure passive income is great, but do you know how much you can make with passive aggressive income?

You know what, never mind. Forget I even mentioned it…

Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When she fits in your wife's clothing.

Do you know how I escaped Iraq?

Iran.

Do you know how to tell the difference between a male tree and a female tree?

Look for it's wood pecker.

Do you know how much a chimney costs?

Me neither but I bet it's through the roof!


Just kidding, it's on the house.

Dad, do you know how much toothpaste is in one tube?

"No I don't. How much?"

"from the couch to the TV stand and back."

Do you know how to keep a Turkey in suspense?

...I'll tell you later.

Do you know how many wrinkles are on a pigs ass?

Smile and I’ll count them.

Do you know how Holy water is made?

They boil the hell out of it.

Cop: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: Where?
Cop: In that 35mph zone you just went through.
Heisenberg: It's impossible to tell.

Do you know how does a hot tea call his brothers and sisters?

Siplings.

Do you know how to make a net?

You just sew a bunch of holes together.

Do you know how to distinguish an alligator from a crocodile?

By paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know how I know you are gay?

Your dick tastes like shit.

Do you know how terrorists reassure others?

come on, this will be a total blast!

Do you know how much cocaine Charlie Sheen uses ?

Enough to kill two and half a man.

Do you know how hard preparing a field for seeds is?

It's a harrowing experience.

Do you know how to catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and line the hole with peas. Then, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

Do you know how to use a telescope?

You should look into it.

"Do you know how awkward you are?"

"Good, you?"

Do you know how to cook toilet paper?

No, but I do know how to brown it on one side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know how we know that Adam and Eve were white?

Because even god doesn't have the balls to steal a rib from a black guy

Do you know how to make a good vegetarian chili?

Stick her in the freezer.

Do you know how the blonde broke her arms?

She fell out of the tree while she was raking leaves

Do you know how do frogs die?

They Kermit suicide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know how to catch a bra?

You set up a booby trap

Do you know how to kill a french person?

Shoot 10 feet above his head and you will hit his superiority complex.

Do you know how flat-earthers call 2020?

Panic! At The Disc

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

Do you know how to tell when you're really fat?

When you fall from both sides of your bed at the same time

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