Do You Jokes - 145 Hilarious Do You Jokes

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.

What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

You pull the pin and throw it back!

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

(NSFW) How do you lure a pervert?

Just add the NSFW tag.

Do you know why batman doesn't have a police badge?

Because he doesn't kill people

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?

A Platoon.

How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?

You say, “O.K., everybody, it’s time to get out of the pool!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?

An Uber

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

Flashbacks.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

When you pull a pin out of a grenade, how do you put it back?

Urgent and quick answers, plea

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this Yob.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you...

A: Have lunch.

B: Browse reddit.

What do you call a Jewish rapper?

Doctor Dreidel

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

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How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Drop it in water. If it sinks, girl ant.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld

Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

How do you talk with a COVID denier

with an Ouija board

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What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy

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How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give it a badge and a gun

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10-hour movie?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

What do you call a Muslim bodybuilder?

A muscleman

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My 8 year old daughter told me this joke

What do you use when you haven't got a condom?

A fake name.

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

What do you get, when you cross an Eldritch Horror, with an E-Girl?

CthUwU.

How do you annoy a Texan?

Just say your power grid is working!

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

How do you make an atheist?

Raise a Catholic

One sinking sub is called The Titan, what do you call a fleet of sinking subs?

Reddit.

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

[NSFW] What do you call a gamer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

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What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

The pilot you frickin' racist!

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

How do you disappoint a Redditor?

[removed]

How do you know a redditor is not a native english speaker?

They'll apologize for potential mistakes after 10 paragraphs of perfect english

How do you get $1000 in cryptocurrency?

Invest $2000

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Do you have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same ...

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How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

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What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

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What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?

Arrr Kelly!

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A Tractor

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.

-

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What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate i...

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not

Where do you weigh Whales?

At the whale weigh station.

What do you think is history's SHORTEST joke? My submission is Miss Piggy's 2 worder :

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ?"*

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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks “Do you sell condoms for extremely large penises?”

“Yes we do,” said the pharmacist. “Do you need to buy some?”

“No,” she replied, “but if you don’t mind I’m just going to wait here.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

What do you call J.K. Rowling in space?

AstroTERF

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is

What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA?

A lifetime ban from the zoo.

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

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What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

Do you think Jeff Bezos sleeps naked?

...or with pajamazon?

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?

One, we are very efficient and not funny

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

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What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?

Well yes Bob, I do.

Great, can you please get laid more often?

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

Where do you find a cow with now legs?

Wherever you left it

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

What do you call a hippies' wife?

Mississippi

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant (with twins)

How do you follow Will Smith in a snow storm?

You follow the fresh prints.

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π

Sorry.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

How do you get a philosophy student off your porch?

Thank him for the pizza

How do You Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream.

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car broke down?

Joaquin

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

What do you call a disease with many followers?

Influenza.

What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

How do you get a million dollars in crypto investing?

Start with ten million.

Do you know what LGBTQ stands for?

Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer

Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

"Do you want to hear a joke about the Russian Victory Day parade?"

"No tanks."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

What do you call something you can serve but can't eat?

A volleyball.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

What do you call friends you like to eat with?

Tastebuds

Why do you never see a fat ninja?

Because fat ninjas are the best ninjas.

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