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In order to tell when I have to get it drained, I have a pole that I dip into my septic tank.

(Shitpost)

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What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

Have you heard that the weather forecast in Alabama now favors Roy Moore?

It’s expected to dip into the teens

Funny when it's not funny: I need jokes for a funeral / eulogy.

Hey, reddit. A good buddy of mine has died. He was always the life of the party, always had fresh jokes, and would absolutely hate the idea of a depressing, somber funeral.

His friends have arranged a casual dress only (he hated dressing up), open mic style celebration of his life. One of th...

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$40 Drunk

A man is drinking a beer at the bar when his friend walks in and asks him if he wants to do some shots.
"Nah, I shouldn't. Every time I do shots, I get really drunk and throw up and then my wife gets really pissed at me when she goes to do the laundry."
The friend laughs at this and says, "Ea...

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