UPJOKE

Diagnosed With Jokes

An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’...



I’m being transferred to ICU.

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

I was just diagnosed with color blindness...

... it came completely out of the purple.

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of giants.

Fee-fi-phobia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.

Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

After his wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer, a man goes to the local apothecary

"You have to help me," the man says. "The doctor said my wife is going to die on Wednesday."

"Say no more!" says the apothecary, and he gives the man a jar of pills. "Tell your wife to take these."

The man does as he's told and returns to the apothecary.

"Did it work?" the apoth...

When I was young, I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now...? ADD

I don't think I have the mental focus to be a father.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.

On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just been diagnosed with Gloria Gaynor disease...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Until the doc told me that I will survive.

I just got diagnosed with color blindness.

I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.

I got diagnosed with tourettes today

guess it's time to tic that off my to-do list.

Just been diagnosed with Swedish flat pack syndrome.

Sadly I have no IKEA what it means.

There was an old man who was diagnosed with hearing loss

Little by little, he couldn't hear certain words. Sooner or later he couldn't hear much at all. He explained to his wife the doctor told him the only phrase he'll still hear is "I love you". For the next 3 weeks, the only thing he could hear was "I love you". From early morning to late at night his ...

what was the emo robot diagnosed with?

self destructive behaviour

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder...

And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking cock.

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

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A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.

On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.

So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilin...

I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.

I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.

I was diagnosed with antisocial behaviour disorder, so I joined a support group.

We never meet.

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

Meesathelioma.

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

Chuck Norris diagnosed with Covid-19

Coronavirus now in quarantine for 14 days

The influencer was diagnosed with paranoia.

He believed nobody was following him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

My son has been diagnosed with eczema, so I've made him a playlist to cheer him up.

Hopefully he likes Simply Red.

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

I've been diagnosed with temporomandibular joint dysfunction

Can't wait to get back to the daily grind.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands...

There is no cure...

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I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got diagnosed with kleptomania.

My therapist reccomends I take something for it.

Every 3 minutes, someone is diagnosed with dementia

Poor lad keeps forgetting he has it

Prince Charles diagnosed with COVID-19

The queen will have a receding heir line

A man is diagnosed with a terminal illness...

He goes to his friend who is also a doctor for a second opinion.

Doctor says, "I've reviewed the test results- You've only got about 6 months left to live." The man says, "Doc give it to me strait is there anything I can do?!" Doc says, "As a your doctor or as your friend?" - "as a friend, do...

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

I got some bad news today. I was diagnosed with the big C.

Dyslexia.

What do you call two friends who have both been diagnosed with Mesothelioma?

Asbesties

A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness

Prince Charles diagnosed with Covid-19. Camilla has been cleared

Apparently horses can’t get the virus

When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry

I was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease.

I was shaken by the news!

Who was the first man diagnosed with erectile dysfunction?

Cain.

He wasn't Abel.

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia

I’m not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it’s been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you’d like.

So our night sucked but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter’s comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting ...

I've been diagnosed with paranoia today.

If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.

I've been diagnosed with Alzheimer's bulimia.

I eat and eat but then forget to vomit.

Russia has identified the first Russian to be diagnosed with coronavirus.

Ivan Chestikoff.

Sinatra is diagnosed with schizophrenia...

He goes to see a psychologist and starts talking about his split personalities.

One is the charismatic singer who can perform and woo crowds with his talent and charm.

The other is Steve, who is reserved and shy and can’t even speak in front of more than a few people.

He star...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was diagnosed with constipation 4 times this week.......

Guess I don't give a shit anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation.

I'm scared shitless.

My best friend just got diagnosed with aphantasia

I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

I was recently diagnosed with mesothelioma

it's tough sometimes, but I'm doing asbestos I can.

Herb was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a basil-cell carcinoma.

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

Donald Trump was diagnosed with COVID-19 by one of those COVID-sniffing dogs.

As soon as he took a sniff, he started digging a hole.

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving to make the most of his time left. He goes up in a plane, jumps out, pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens. He pulls the rip cord on the backup parachute, and nothing happens. He says, "Good thing the doctor told me I had six month...

I'm bummed out because i was just diagnosed with alzheimer's

at least I don't have alzheimer's

What's the worst thing with being diagnosed with alzheimers?

You always get it more than once.

A calendar gets diagnosed with terminal cancer...

Poignant and pensive, he says, "I suppose my days are numbered."

I was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Cancer

The cancer sucks, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!

Wait

No

I do

I can feel the edges of my mind unraveling; each piece, once so firmly put together, slowly falling away from my grasp. To know that the mind, the seat of who you are, can simply... disintegrate, like a...

I have been diagnosed with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder.

Apparently there are multiple personalities inside of me fighting their way out.

I would take them all over my ex-wife's one!

Edit: Don't believe this guy! He sucks at telling jokes.

Edit: Shut up Jeff!

Edit: No, you shut up Karen!

Edit: you guys are impossible to ...

"Hey bro, so I just got diagnosed with a dairy allergy."

"No whey, man."

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of all things Italian...

My psychiatrist named it "atsalottaphobia."

My friends' girlfriend gets diagnosed with cancer..

He proposed to her on the spot. See ladies, it's not that men can't be spontaneous and romantic, we just don't like long term commitment

My father was diagnosed with alzheimer's last year, so I've gotten really good at introducing myself...

To all of mom's new boyfriends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just diagnosed with tetanus

Guess I'm gettimg rusty in my old age

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have been diagnosed with CDO

Its like OCD, but just in the right fucking order.

Ever since I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I can’t count on anybody.

A hindu murderer was diagnosed with cancer

He had murdered 7 children and knew he was going to be reincarnated as a moth due to bad karma.

So he reposted old jokes on reddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this 17 year old boy gets diagnosed with a terminal disease.....

The doctor tells the parents that he only have 3 days left to live, so the parents planned on making it the best 3 days of his life. Being their only child the wanted the best for him. they went to his favorite restaurant, went to the movies and went to an amusement park.
They rent a very expens...

My cross-eyed friend was just diagnosed with depression.

I'm not surprised - he never looks forward to anything.

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

I was diagnosed with color blindness just an hour ago.

It came right out of the purple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was Hitler diagnosed with blindness?

Because he could nazi anyone.

The biggest problem I’ve been having after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s is after I wake up

I don’t know if the women in bed is my wife or if I should pay her.

My 91 year old grandfather went to the heart doctor and was diagnosed with TMDB.

Too Many Damn Birthday's.


^^true ^^story

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