UPJOKE

Death Bed Jokes

When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be

"You guys want to see a dead body?"

On her death bed, my wife said, "Sweety! I'll see you in Heaven."

Since then, I've kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're ...

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied, "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "w...

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the fl...

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed

He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

“Is my darling wife here with me?”

“Yes, love.”

“And is my son here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Father, I’m here.”
...

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just o...

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

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An old man is on his death bed

His wife is there with him. He gently grabs her hand and begins:"My sweet wife...Do you remember that time when in the first spring in our new house, I was pruning that old tree and a branch hit me in the head, getting me ten stitches?"

Wife: "Yes, my love. I remember."

Husband: "You w...

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A Chinese man is on his death bed...

With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks is his wife there?

The doctor assures him she is.

"And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?"

"They are."

"What about my sister?"

Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him:"Don't worry, she's here, alo...

An old man is on his death bed and calls all his family and the priest.

He says to his first son "I want you to have all the property in the north of the town, I have 16 houses there."


He says to his second son "I want you to have all my commercial property, 8 businesses."


He says to his third son "I want you to have the houses in the southern dis...

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

An old Republican is on his death bed

\- I have a confession to make! I declare myself a Democrat now!
\- But... but... why? You hate democrats! You spent all your life fighting with them!
\- Because now one of them will die!

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last

He said, "Staring contest... GO."

A man was on his death bed trying to say his final words before passing away

He lifted his head and asked : "is my wife, with whom I spent my best and worst moments here?", his wife held his hand and said with tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice "yes honey I'm here"

he took a deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked : "are my children, who have s...

An old man is on his death bed...

An old man is on his death bed, and his family has come in from all over the country to be with him in his final hours.

He opens his eyes, and says "Is Ruthie here? My beautiful, loyal wife?"

"Oh yes, my handsome prince! I'm right here!" Ruthie replies

He continues, "...and wha...

An old man was on his death bed.

He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."


At the funeral, each man put an envelo...

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Old Farmer On His Death Bed

An old farmer was lying on his death bed, his doting, loyal wife by his side, holding his hand.

"You've always been there for me. Remember when we were courting, my car's handbrake failed and I broke my leg? You were there.

"And remember when I sliced off three of my fingers with the ...

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An indian man on his death bed.

"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"


"Yes, my husband"


"My daughters are you here?



"Yes, papa"


"My sons are you here ?"


"Yes, Father, we are all here"



"Then who's in the fucking shop?"

Bill was lying on his death bed

His faithful wife at his side, comforting him. Bill weakly lifts his head and says "Honey, if this is it for me, I don't want you to be alone. You should marry Jake, across the street"

"I can't even think of anything like that right now," she responds. "But, Jake? I thought you hated him."...

Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel

You might be too weak to lift your middle finger

Visiting dad on his death bed...

[Visiting father on death bed] "Dad, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. "




*Dad struggling to talk* "Hi sorry for the pain I caused you, I'm Dad."

An old man on his death bed ask his wife for one dying wish.

She says anything for you.

I would like you to marry John when I die.

The wife says but I thought you hated John.

He replied I DO!!

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A wealthy old man lays on his death bed, his 3 sons by his side.

"My boys, to just one of you I will leave my fortune. Each of you take a duck to the market. Whoever can sell it for the highest price will be worthy of everything I leave behind"

The first son, a successful business man in his own right, takes his duck, and gets $20 for it. A good price for ...

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A farmer was on his death bed

He had three sons so he gave them each a duck and told them whoever solds his duck for most will inherit his farm.

1st son went to the market and sold the duck for 10$

2nd son also went to the market and sold his duck for 15$.

3rd son as going to the market met a girl
the gir...

On my mom's death bed, she exclaimed she was probably going to Hell & asked if I had any last words for her

I told her ... put in a good word for me.

Dad on his death bed: Son, I have to tell you something

Son under his breath: I bet I’m adopted

Dad: You were ado...

Dad dies

Son: Knew it

Dad wakes up: You were adorable as a baby

Dad dies

Son: Awww, thats so sweet

Dad wakes up: That’s why we adopted you

McGregor is on his death bed.

His best friend Jock McTavish is sitting vigil by his side when McGregor leans over and with his last words says. "Aye Jock, there's a bottle of Whisky under my bed. When I am gone, pour it over my grave, promise me you'll do it man."

After some consideration McTavish replies. "Aye I'll do it...

Death bed-Joke

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ."

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An old lady was on her death bed

She asked her sister to bring the best sculptor in town, and asked him to carve a headstone for her grave, in beautiful lettering, reading “Born Virgin, Lived Virgin, Died Virgin”.

The artist promises her, but after her death he finds out her sister wants to pay just $ 250 for the work. He a...

I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

"I am your Father"

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.

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A father was on his death bed at home..

.. with all his family around him. He grabbed his wife by the hand and with shallow breath asked

"Is my son in the room with me?"

"Yes dad, I am here" replied the son.


"Good, and my daughter is here with me?" Asked the father, growing weaker.

"Yes dad, I am here wi...

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons,

his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...
"To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass buildi...

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A jew is on his death bed...

As he breathes his last breath he calls for his wife,"Angella are you here." The wife replies sobbing " yes dear here i am." He then asks for his two sons. The wife now choking up replies "yes dear they are here too. By your side." The man coughs and gathers up breath to ask for his daughter. The wi...

An elderly man was lying on his death bed

and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then...

A husband on his death bed

Jane and Roy had been married for 40 years. They lived frugally and never had any children. Everything they owned was paid for.
Roy kept all of his money in cash at home. He always talked about how he was going to take his money with him when he died. Always saying he wanted all of his money put...

A Jewish dad is lying on his death bed...

A Jewish dad is lying on his death bed, he calls out for his wife and she squeezes his hand and tells him, "I'm here sweetheart."
"Good" he tells her, "and my son?"
"I'm here papa" says the boy.
"Good", says the dad, "and where is your sister?"
"Oh papa, I'm here too!" The girl responds....

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A man is on his death bed...

His wife is holding his hand while he struggles with his breathing. On the table is a photograph of five strapping young lads and one very scrawny young man. He looks at the photo and tries to speak.

"Martha, how did it happen? My five strong boys winning competitions, chopping wood, marrying...

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband...

An elderly wife is on her death bed and calls her husband to lean in, and whispers, "I'm sorry, forgive me..
in the chest in the attic is one million two hundred thousand dollars and five cents.. I earned it hooking, while you were busy working your entire life."

The husband is mad, but fo...

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A wife lying on her death bed asks her husband for one last request.

Wife: I want to die having sex.

The husband silently nods, knowing what to do.

She died gagging on his penis.

An Irish Republican Army soldier lies on his death bed.

One day, an IRA soldier lies on his death bed, dying of cancer. It's spread too far and couldn't be stopped. The doctor gave him his diagnosis, and only three days to live.

"Quick Moira," he says to his loving wife. "Enroll me as a member of the Ulster Volunteer Force."

"But why?" She...

Olie is on his death bed

Olie is only given a few more hours to live. His wife Lena is right beside him. Olie says his last words to Lena. "After I die Lena, I want you to marry Sven Svenson". Lena is shocked. "But Olie, I thought you hated Sven Svenson". Olie takes Lena's hand and looks deep in to her eyes and says "yes, a...

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed.

The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But bef...

At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words.

Defeet hurts.

I'll always remember my dad's last words on his death bed:

'Son, what are you doing with that pillow?'

Paul is on his death bed in hospital.

He calls his best friend John to his side and tells him his last wishes.

"All my life, I have had this rare, expensive bottle of whiskey. It means everything to me. It has been passed down through my family for generations. " Paul whispers. "Please John, after I die, sprinkle the whole bottle...

A man on his death bed

A man on his death bed smells cookies, gets up and walks into his kitchen. He asks his wife if he can have a cookie. The wife tells him to get out of here, those are for the wake

A wealthy man was on his death bed

He called in his doctor, his pastor, and his lawyer. He told them, "Look, I know everyone says that you can't take it with you, but I'll be damned if I'm not going to try. So I've got a $500,000 bag of money for each of you, and you must throw it into my coffin at my funeral. I trust all of you to h...

A man is resting on his death bed...

As he waits to pass on, he sees the reaper approach his bedside.

"I am the angel of deaf!" Says the reaper.

The man, confused, asks "Don't you mean the angel of death?"

"...Could you repeat that?"

An old man lay on his death bed upstairs when he caught a wiff

An old man lay dying in bed upstairs in his room when he thought he caught a wiff of his wife's chocolate chip cookies wafting through the air.

Man, he thought to himself, if I could have just one more of my wife's cookies I could die a happy man.

As he lay there thinking about the s...

A family gather round the death bed of grandad, his solicitor arrives as the man is able to read out his will:

'To my daughter, I leave my Kensington properties says grandad'

'To my son, I leave my Richmond properties'

'Finally, as I have the most properties in Windsor and Ascot, I leave these for the grandchildren'

The solicitor turns to the grandmother and quietly whispers 'My god, I n...

My great grandpa, on his death bed, offered to sell his vital organs on the black market to help pay our rent during economic crisis.

We declined his offer.

We got evicted a week later, and he died another week after that, but at least his heart was in the right place.

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A moth is on his death bed, surrounded by family. “Go to the light!” says his wife...

The moth opens one eye and says- “No shit, bitch!”

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....on a death bed , a husband speaks

" Tell my Wif* [cough]

Tell her What? Tell me.

"Tell my Wifi service provider that their service was shit "

[Dies..]

A jewish father was on his death bed with his family around him...

He whispered
"son, come close"
And his son leaned forward so he's inches away from his father. The father grabs a watch from his night stand, a very fancy one, and whispers
"son, this watch has been worn by multiple generations, your great grandfather, your grandfather, and me."
The so...

Sean Connery lay on his death bed as he is rushed in a helicopter.

But he isn't on his way to the hospital. As the craft gently touches down, he is carefully wheeled off and pushed into the midst of beautiful New Orleans.

"Well, here we are, Sir Connery," his doctor says, beaming. "Orleans Parish, the most culturally diverse and gorgeous parish in all of Lo...

When Christopher Hitchens was on his death bed he called for a priest...

And converted him into an atheist.

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An elderly man lays on his death bed, accompanied by his loving wife.

She asks him, 'What would you have me do with your body when you are gone?'
He responds, 'My dear, cremate me. And once I am ashes, make the most spicy bowl of chili you can and mix my ashes in with it. Then eat every last bit of the chili.'
'But my dear,' she asked, '..why chili?'
The man ...

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Husband on his death bed calls his wife and tells her, when I die make sure you marry my cousin.

Confused, the wife asks "why?".

"many years ago that bastard sold me a faulty car"...

So a guy lies on his death bed.

An old man is on his death bed. His entire family is by his side. He asks his daughter "Anna, are you there?" His daughter Anna says "yes father im here." The man then asks " What about my son is he here?" His son says "yes im here." "What about my grandkids," the old man said, growing more raspy. "...

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A man is on his death bed. He asks his wife...

"Will you re-marry after I die?"

"Oh, I don't know..." she says. "Maybe."

"Will you let another man move into our house with you?"

"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."

"Will you let another man drive my car?"

"Oh, I don't know... Maybe."

"Well, will you have sex wit...

You're on your death bed and You're known as a practical joker in the family. What do you say as your last joke with your dying breath?

The cornyer the better!!

A man is laying on his death bed, with his wife next to him

He tells his wife
"Honey, you have always been there for me. When I got in that terrible car accident and lost my leg, you were right there by my side. When my business failed, you were still right there by my side. Even last week, when the Dr gave me the terrible news, you were by my side and...

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A woman lying on her death bed wanted all to know she was a virgin....

She asked that her headstone would forever read:
'Born a virgin, lived a virgin and died a virgin'.

When the stonemason was making her headstone, he ran out of space so just carved:
'Returned unopened'.

A man is on his death bed and he tells his wife fight never to fight with her in laws after his death.

He says otherwise every time she fights his body would turn in his grave. She agrees and he dies peacefully. The wife lives her life out and when dies is buried in the same cemetery. At the night she asks her neighbors have they seen her husband Bob.

The neighbors tell her there are like hund...

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What did Tiger Woods' dad tell him on his death bed?

"Just concentrate on golf and fuck everything else"

A man is at home, laying on his death bed...

...he knows he doesn't have much time left. His wife is in the kitchen, his daughter at his bedside. His wife is baking, and with what little senses he has left, he can smell she's making apple pie. He asks his daughter, "Do you think you can do me one last favor?"

"Anything," she respond...

My father, who was on his death bed, told me that I make jokes out of the most inappropriate things.

Let's just say he didn't live long after that.

Lenin, on his death bed, said to Stalin: How will you rule if so many do not wish to follow you?

Stalin calmly smiled at him: Don't worry, those who won't follow me, I'll make them follow you

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An Iranian Joke: Tranlated

A man was laying on his death bed at home. His beautiful wife sat by his side, holding his hand.

He was dismayed about his wife being with another man. He knew that this was probably inevitable but he wanted to hear it from her. He asked, "wife, do you think that when I am gone you will marr...

A dad is on his death bed and ask to talk to his only son.

Son: Dad, please tell me what I can do for you before you go.

Father: Alright son, my only wish would be for you to bring both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back to our house before I die.

Son: I'll do my best.

*3 hours later the son somehow manages to bring Donald Trump and ...

A portrait painter is on his death bed when he asks his son to come close..

He says "Son, I'm dying. So listen closely." He sneezes on the boy's face. "I have a skin rash, dry cough, pink eye, diarrhea, headache, koplik's spots, sensitivity to light, sore throat, and/or swollen lymph nodes." Then he coughs on the boy's mouth. "So I want you to make sure that your brother...

My friends mum died

My friends mum died cuz we couldn't remember her blood group. On her death bed she kept saying "Be positive", Life is hard without her

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A masochist and a sadist once married..

They did not know what the other person was and like every happy married life, they did not talk about each other's feelings. The sadist hit the masochist in bed every night and the masochist cried out in happiness that his wife could cater to his needs without him asking for it. The marriage worked...

There was a man once who was named "Odd"

He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him. When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish...

Love that Briskit

An old man is lying on his death bed in his family’s home. All of a sudden, he gets a whiff of the best thing he’s ever smelled.

“What is that glorious smell?? I know that smell. Oh lord it’s my daughters famous brisket.”

A few minutes go by, and his grandson comes into his room.
...

A rich man demanded to be buried with his money

Upon his death bed a miser demanded he be buried with all his money leaving behind nothing for his wife and children. After his death some friends approached his widow to offer her jobs and gifts but discover she has bought a new home, car, and wardrobe. The friends ask how she can afford all of thi...

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A couple have four children.

The first three have ginger hair and green eyes, while the youngest has brown hair and eyes. On his death bed, the husband says to his wife, “Be honest with me: is our youngest child truly mine?” His wife looks him in the eye and says a firm “Yes.” The man breathes a sigh of relief and passes away. ...

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My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

The honest lawyer?

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin....

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A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

Not mine found it somewhere

A master smuggler bragged to border control that he was about to start smuggling but they wouldn't be able to catch him.
Soon, he crosses the border on a donkey.
The guards diligently and thoroughly search him and the donkey, but come up empty.
The smuggler smiles and passes.
The...

Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.

Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.

Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”

Rose replies, “What, my love?”

Tony goes on, “When we met...

My grandma asked for a comedian rather than a priest on her deathbed

Given she's currently on her death bed, please share your finest jokes I can send her off with.

Thanks r/jokes

My grandad just passed away...

We were really close and he was always competitive with me. No matter what game we played, tennis, cards, or even Xbox he would always try to win.

So it was only fitting that, and I’ll never forget this, on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath. He looked at me in the eyes and said.....

The Dying Man and the Cookies

An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reach...

I once knew a vampire who refused to drink blood

He would satisfy his cravings with fake blood, which his body rejected and he ended up dying from it.

I asked him on his death bed how the fake blood tasted and he said "a little irony"

An old man on his deathbed spent his entire life clinging to his money

Joke: An old man on his death bed has spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money. Friendless, he is surrounded by his priest, doctor, and lawyer. Just before he dies he tells them, "I know most people say that you can't bring money with you after you die, but I want you ...

Life is like the ocean

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.” One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the lon...

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Irishman is on his deathbed...

Irishman is on his deathbed and he is laying there beckoning God to come take him soon for he has lived a long life. "Lord take me now!" He exclaims. As he is laying on his death bed he smells a familiar smell. "I know what that is! It is my Miss's oatmeal cookies. I would do anything for me miss's ...

A Dying husband asks his wife....

A Dying husband asks his wife: Our 7th son always looked different from the other 6, on my death bed, tell me the truth...did he have a different father?

Wife (crying): Yes!

Husband (in shock): Who?

Wife: You!

Bob and Jim.

Bob and Jim have always been bestfriends and grew up together playing baseball. They both loved baseball their whole lives and had always had a passion for the game. In the end of their life Jim is with bob on his death bed. Jim says to Bob, "After you go, can you send me a sign to tell me if there ...

Voltaire moments before death

I don’t know if this has been on here but my high school teacher told me this a while ago.

On his death bed, a priest came to Voltaire’s home and told him there was still time to go to heaven if he accepts Jesus as his lord and savior and reject the devil and all his beliefs.
Voltaire t...

Jewish Joke

Old Jewish man on his death bed requests a priest. His family not understand why complies and requests a priest who on arrival is told by the old man that he wishes to convert to Christianity. The family is in disbelief and once the father has left asks the old man why? His replies "well if anyone h...

Village Atheist

In a small village in the middle of the countryside, there is only one atheist. He sells insurance for a living. But, he grows old and one day gets really sick. On his death bed, he calls for the village priest, who is obviously a very devout catholic.

They talk for an entire day, and during ...

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