Dad Is Jokes

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

It's a real shame, he is pretty attractive.

Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

I havent seen him since 2005

He's looking around when he comes upon a hallway full of people. At the other end of the hallway he sees a boxer just knocking people out one at a time. So, he quickly pushes past all of the people and asks the boxer,

"Excuse me sir, is this the punchline?"

So I brought in 2 suspects

He only lost once.

He gets really worried because both his parents got Alzheimer’s around that age.

Tells me, son, if I ever start forgetting things or show any symptoms.. I j-ju-just know I can’t go through what they did.

So… please.. just … kill me.

“Dad that’s what you said 5 minutes ago”

Who would win in a fight? Our dad or a plate of spaghetti?
The spaghetti because dad PASTAway

Dad: Son, how old are you?

Son: 19.

Dad: When I was your age, I was 20.

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

A: To get to the same side!

I looked on his search history and it was all for "only fans." Weird.

“Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “Car no do that... car go road.”

Which is why I always get shouted at for being below average

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San... read more

Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas

Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me

Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.

Whenever he's out working on his car he always singing along like "JESUS CHRIST!" "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"

One day a man walked into a bar;
Bartender: "hello mate, what can I get you? You look quite tense!"
Man: "beer please, my wife is giving birth, she's had one but the doctors say there's more on the way and to keep myself occupied!"

An hour passes so the man uses the public phone in the ... read more

Ciudad

On Christmas Eve, he fired his air gun in to the sky, and came back inside to tell me that Santa has committed suicide.

I hope

An accident.

Kid starts throwing a tantrum in a department store:

Kid: If you don’t buy this for me for Christmas I’ll kill myself!”

Dad: “Well then it’s a good thing I took out that life insurance policy on you”

Kid: “Ughhh! I hate you!”

Dad: “I love you too”

Kid: “Didn’t you ... read more

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein... read more

He has won 7 tournaments and does the best drifting

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n... read more

Well it sounds better than alcoholic.

The first daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a Yukon Gold!" The dad replies "Honey, that's a great idea. Yukon Golds are renowned for their versatility and will make you very happy.

The second daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a russet." Dad approves of this choice too, since russet pot... read more

he won't even have leftovers!

-I'll let myself out.

When my Dad got dragged to court and they asked if he had an occupation, he said Nun

He never even finished that...

Boy 1: My dad can outrun an arrow shot from a bow!

Boy 2: My dad can outrun a bullet shot from a gun!

Boy 3: My dad works for the government. He can leave work at 5:00 and gets home by 3:00!

He's never here. :(

I see him on a regular basis and he stopped being funny a long time ago.

They whey me down as I curd barely take them

The dad says “well, you see those four cars ahead of us? A drunk would see eight”

The boy says “but dad, there are only two”

I asked, "Dad, could you lend me a tenner please?"

Dad - "£9.42? What do you need £11.63 for?

A boy runs to a policeman and says "Please come quick my dad is in a fight"

The policeman follows him to the fight and before attempting to separate the men asks the boy "Which one is your dad?"

The boy says "I don't know. That's what they're fighting about!"

Because when I needed him the most he vanished

If I make a mistake he's all up in my face.

I'm pretty sure it's a punzi scheme.

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, think... read more

He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms


He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm


The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles


When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal


When you as... read more

Me: damn

Doctor: He’s at a different hospital

Me: oh ok

Doctor: dead

Me: damn

Doctor: I mean my phone. I have to go charge it.

Me: Oh. I thought you meant-

Doctor: Well yeah, that too. He kicked the bucket.

Me: Really?

Doctor: He ... read more

He’s a transparent trans-parent.

The dad tells the kid to call him an ambulance





The kid says "dad, you're an ambulance"






(The joke came from a post on r/memes dont hate)

That makes me... a quarter horse

The first boy says: my dad is taller than a tree!

The second boy says: my dad is taller than a mountain!

The third boy says: my dad is so tall that if he stands on the tips of his toes he can reach the stars!

The fourth boys says: and those are large?

\-Yeah.

\-R... read more

At lunch, the first boy says his dad is the faster because he is a brick layer & when he drops a brick from the 5th floor he can run to the ground level & be there before the brick hits...


Not bad says the 2nd boy, but my dad is faster.


He is a professional archer. ... read more

Three kids showing off whos dad is tallest,

Kid 1 : my dad is as tall as empire state building.

Kid 2 : oh yeah? Well my dad is taller than the sky, even higher than the moon.

Kid 3: oh yeah? Does your dad reach and touch the planets up there?

Kid 2 : yeah of course
<... read more

It will solve most of their problems

“So you’re Brit-ish?”

I’ve told him at least 100 times, it’s pronounced Ulysses

He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years.

A Jewish dad is lying on his death bed, he calls out for his wife and she squeezes his hand and tells him, "I'm here sweetheart."
"Good" he tells her, "and my son?"
"I'm here papa" says the boy.
"Good", says the dad, "and where is your sister?"
"Oh papa, I'm here too!" The girl responds.... read more