UPJOKE

Dad And Jokes

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

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A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. S...

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks:

'Dad, what's Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will...

What’s the difference between your dad and an elevator

An elevator can raise a child

Dad and son octopus crossing the road, dad said to his son:

gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, gimme your hand. (Courtesy of my 1st grader).

Conversation between dad and son about girls

Young boy: I don't like girls
Dad: That'll change when you're older
Young boy: So girls get less annoying?
Dad: No, you get less picky

My dad and i were driving past a cemetery

When suddenly my dad said in a serious toned voice

"I know something you don't know about this place.The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"

And i was really confused so i asked why and he said

"Because they are still alive."

Original: tumblr u...

I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...

Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago

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I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full - the kid was screaming for candy, cookies... all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”

He had another outburst in the cer...

A dad and his daughter are shopping for a Christmas Tree

Daughter: Are you going to put it up yourself?

Dad: No, this one is going up in the Living Room.

My dad wears the same trousers as his dad. His dad wears the same trousers as his dad and so on.

That's jeans for you.

A dad and his son are out camping when they hear a loud roar from outside their tent.

Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They stop and watch ...

What's the difference between my dad and other dads?

Beats me.

A dad and his his 7 year old son

A dad and his so were playing Minecraft one day, and the son asked his dad what should he never do in Minecraft?

The dad answers, go into creative mode because that ruins the game.

He stares his dad dead in the eyes and says, No dad DON’T SPEND YOUR DIAMONDS ON HOES!

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

What does my dad and Nemo have in common?

They both can’t be found.

A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".

The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"

Son walks up to his dad and asks:

-Dad what is black humour?

-Well you see this man without arms standing there tell him to clap his hands

-Dad but I'm blind

A dad and his son get into a big argument one day

DAD: Go to your room right now

SON: *storms off* JIM MORRISON WASN’T EVEN A GOOD VOCALIST

DAD: What have I told you about slamming The Doors!

My dad and his friend...

Were driving down the road one day and they came up to a stop sign. They were about to take off when suddenly his friend said...

Friend: Hey look at that dog licking his balls.

Dad: Yeah... You don't see that everyday I guess.

Friend: Man I wish I could do that you know?

...

My dad and I were in a field husking corn

Years ago we were out in the cornfield. Then I start complaining about somebody for a bit.

My dad: you know you shouldn't say those things about them in this field

Me: why?

My dad: there's a lot of ears out here

My mom dresses like my dad and my dad dresses like my mom

They're transparent

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to ...

A child walks up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

The father answers: "See those 4 trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see 8".

And the son replied: "But dad, there are only 2 trees".

And the mother: "Why are you guys staring at a tree?"

Dad and Dave were walking in the bush...

Dad and Dave were walking in the bush and they saw a dingo licking his balls. Dave turns and says to Dad, "Gee, I've always wanted to do that"!

Dad looks back with a grunt and says, "well I'd pet him first, he looks pretty vicious".

A Dad and his sheep!

Traveling salesman knocks on the door. Kid answers. Guy asks, "Is your dad home?" Kid says, "He's out back screwing the sheep." "Screwing the sheep?! Doesn't that bother you?" Kid says, "Na-a-a-a-ah!"

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll ...

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

A dad and his daughter are having an argument...

The daughter gets really frustrated with the situation, and goes to leave the room. When she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!".

Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".

Why is your Mum your Dad and your Dad your Mum?

Because they are my transparents.

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A Dad and a Son were watching TV downstairs.

The Dads feet started getting cold. So he sends his Son upstairs to get his slippers. When he gets to the top he sees two of his sisters friends on her bed. He then says,”My Dad sent me up here to sleep with you both”. They then replied with,”No he hasn’t, you’re lying for sure”. The Son says,”He ha...

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Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

My dad and I were invited for dinner at the house of the soccer player Hope Solo.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

what do my dad and a tree have in common?

leaves

A lion cub goes up to his dad and asks

Who won the superbowl this year? The dad replies and says idk son we're the lions

The dad and son joke.

Son: "dad, how does it feel to have a beautiful son?"

Father: "Idk son, ask your grandfather"

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I went up to my dad and said “can I ask you a question for a school project?”

He said “sure son, what do you need to know?”

I asked him, “dad, what’s politics?”

He told me “well son, let’s use our home as an example. I make the money, so I am capitalism. Your mom controls and administers the money, so let’s call her the government. We take care of what you need ...

My dad and I were having donuts for lunch...

He said, "Enjoy the **HOLE** donut!"

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

A young boy walked up to his dad and asked.

“Daddy why are you banned from coming to elementary school?”, The dad calmly replies. “Because that’s how I met your mother.”.

I mistook another man for my dad and hugged him

...what a faux pa.

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A little kid goes up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's a clitoris?" The dad, quite surprised, answers:

"Well listen son, a clitoris is a... uh - hmmm... Dang it! I forgot but I swear it was right on the tip of my tongue!"

What does my dad and a large crowd have in common?

Never seen them since 2019

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