UPJOKE

Cut The Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

How does a barber cut the moons hair?

Eclipse it!

My mom would wake up early just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch….

She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.

Why didn't King Solomon follow through with his decree to cut the baby in half?



Because he didn't like to split heirs.

I patented a design that would till the earth as it cut the grass

But no one wanted to buy my Hoe-Mow

I cut the end of my finger off making dinner.

I didn't want the food to go to waste. So I ate it before going to the hospital. Something didn't taste right but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cut above the rest

Once upon a time a powerful emperor of the rising sun advertised for a new chief samurai. Three men applied, A Japanese samurai, A Chinese swordsman And a Jewish samurai. The three met with the emperor to see who would get the job. "Japanese Samurai Show me your skill", the Japanese samurai stepped ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God: Creates humans as they were meant to be.

Also god: New rules! I need you all to cut the extra skin off your penis.

What did the monk say after he cut the trees around him?

It's time for deep clearing meditation

How about we cut the bread *before* we sell it?

Wow! that's the greatest idea since... uh since... idk.

Bernie Sanders is finally deciding to cut the BS

He will now go by: Ernie Anders.

I was getting my hair cut the other day...

...and the girl cutting my hair mentioned she had a degree in cosmology. So I asked her whether she thought the cosmic background radiation was the best evidence for the big bang. She said big bangs would not look good on me, and that's the moment when I noticed the diploma on the wall that said "...

Did you hear about the guy who cut the left side of his body?

He's all right now

My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died

But now he’s lawn gone

What did the chef say to her apprentice after he cut the apples perfectly?

Knife Job! :D

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The homeowner's association keeps telling me I need to cut the grass.

I appreciate the concern, but I haven't smoked since high school, when I mowed lawns for weed money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Jimi Hendrix say after he accidentally cut the end of a jew's penis off?

"Excuse Me While I Bris This Guy"

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb...

Did you hear about the man who cut the left side of his body?

He thought he's going to be all right, but due to the nature of our bodies, he quickly got drained of blood and died an awful death.

You never hear any mention of who cut the cord at Jesus' birth.

It must have been unbiblical.

I feel like we should all cut the guy who invented autocorrect some slack.

I'm sure he moans we'll

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.
Anyway, the first man goes and says...

I cut the entire line at the grocery store.

When they asked what I was doing, I said "I'm losing wait"

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

I cut the prong off a fork and am wearing it on a necklace for luck.

As they say, third tine's the charm.

It sure is hard to cut the top off of a redwood tree

You can't take any short cuts!

One of my proudest memories as a father was the day I got to cut the cord...

Needless to say my son won’t be bungee jumping again.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.