UPJOKE

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

Crossing the street

Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the street?

A: To get to the second-hand store.

Adulthood is like looking both ways before crossing the street

Then getting hit by an airplane.

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making ...

A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street

A man isn't paying attention when crossing the street and gets hit by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

A policeman is despatched to inform the unfortunate man's family:

"There's no easy way to say this..."

Today I saved 3 toddlers that where crossing the street

Instead of them I drove over that annoying boy, Timmy

Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who was arrested for illegally crossing the street?

Jaywalking

A joke was crossing the street crying...

When asked why crying it said everyone keeps laughing at me..

What did the mouse say the ant crossing the street?

Hello, fellow road-ant

Life is like crossing the streets,

you never know what’s gonna hit ya.

Why did Sally drop her ice cream while crossing the street?

She got hit by a Bus.

What did Bobby Caldwell say to himself before crossing the street, after seeing his wife kissing a stranger?

Stop, look and listen! Who is she kissing?!

An elementary teacher was talking to her class about safety when crossing the street.

"I used to have a little brother, and on his eighth birthday my parents got him a brand new red bike. He was across the street at his grandmas' when dad wheeled it outside. My brother was so excited that he ran across the street without looking, right in front of a car. The car hit him and he died."...

A Jewish man is crossing the street when he's hit by a car

Traffic comes to a stop, the driver gets out of his car and rushes over to where the Jewish man was lying in the road. He called out to everyone who saw the accident: "Someone, call an ambulance! Get him a blanket, a pillow or something!"

He turns back to the Jewish man, who is lying on the g...

A guy crossing the street is hit by a car and he is hurled to the street.. The driver yells out the window "watch out"!

The man on the street yelled back "why? Are you coming back"?

A man was crossing the street when suddenly..

He gets hit by a car. Worried that he might go to the police, the driver gives the victim 10 bucks to let him get away and not go to the police. Feeling lucky, the man takes the money and then asks the driver:

- Sir, do you come here often?

I saw an oldman struggling with his cane while crossing the street so I decided to help!

I carried his cane to the other side so it doesn't annoy him.

Why did the old lady keep crossing the street?

She was in Harlem.

What did the viola say to her daughter before crossing the street?

You better C^♯ or you'll B^♭

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down th...

A woman named Lorraine Lee introduced her boyfriend, Frank, to her family for the first time.

As Frank greeted Mr. and Mrs. Lee, Lorraine's stunning sister, Claire, whispered something to him. Curious and suspicious, Lorraine decided to check on them and found Frank and Claire in bed together. Lorraine confronted Frank, who pleaded for another chance. Reluctantly, Lorraine agreed, but made i...

Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car.

Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car. The car was totaled. Fred was fine.


The next week, Fred was on his motorcycle when a car pulled out in front of him. The car was totaled. Fred was fine.


The next week, Fred was crossing the street when a car hi...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy t...

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

I hate optimists.

They'll jump out of a plane expecting sunshine and rainbows to cushion their fall. Meanwhile, I'll look both ways before crossing the street and get hit by the optimist.

3 guys walk into a car

No not a bar. A car. They were looking at their phones while crossing the street

I heard this in at the barber shop from an old patron, it's my favorite joke.

There's a butcher tending to his shop when a dog walks in.

The dog has a note in his mouth, with a $10 bill attached.

The butcher bends down and picks the note out of the dog's mouth, reading aloud he says: "2 pork chops please" and the dog sits.

The butcher, highly impressed,...

2 onions fall in love and mate, they give birth to a beautiful son!

One day, they leave the front door open on accident and the young onion rolls out into the world.

While crossing the street, the poor onion child gets flattened in the road...

He is then rushed to the hospital, the father rolling around in the hall, extremely anxious to hear any news.<...

A kid was talking to his dad excitedly.

"Dad, I saw a superhero yesterday!"

The dad chuckled, "Really? Cool."

"Yeah! He was dressed in really bright colors!"

"Are you sure he had superpowers?"

"Definitely! there was a kid crossing the street, and the superhero stopped the traffic with his bare hands!"

Th...

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