UPJOKE

Cracked Up Jokes

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My 4 year old cousin told me this and I cracked up

Cousin: Knock knock

Me: Whose there?

Cousin: Weeneeda maka change butt

Me: Weeneeda make change butt who?

Cousin: Yes Michael, we need to make a change, but who? Who will be the first to stand up? We have burned through our resources leaving the planet cracked and bruised...

Hospital Wit

This actually happened a few hours ago.
So I had to take my mother to the hospital today for a procedure. The receptionist called us up and she was the only one there as her coworker had gone on break. As I'm wheeling my mother to the desk to do the paperwork, a nice old man approaches the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being a dildo is not all it's cracked up to be.

Sure you'd see a lot of pussy action. But sometimes you'd get the shitty gigs too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not all of the weird sexual stuff you hear about is as good as it's cracked up to be...

I mean you can tell me how great autoerotic asphyxiation is till you're blue in the face.

Yo mama so fat

When she fell I didn't laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up

A man decided to sail his boat from England to Russia

He starts his journey and everything is going great. That is, until he's passing Germany's northern coast. His ship begins taking on water and, in a panic, he radios the German Coast Guard.
"Help!" He says through the radio.
"Vat is it?" The German Coast Guard replies.
"I'm sinking!" The m...

Parking the manhood

My wife came in the bathroom as I was getting dressed after my morning shower. I put my underwear on and pulled them up. Then I put my pants on and pulled them up and told her I had to park the old guy in the right spot.

Now my wife and I have been married for just a bit over 40 years but had...

The issue with Cocaine is...

...that its EXACTLY what its cracked up to be

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What do you get when you put both halves of your butt together?

A buttwhole.

I said this to my fiancee last night and we both cracked up. I came up with it myself, although it's possible someone else has made this joke before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa are sitting on the veranda of the old folks, home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs.

Grandpa rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"

Grandma rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!"

Grandpa becomes very ...

My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me "What is the brownist number?"

What is the brownist number?

Number 2.

He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at.

As a practical joke I arranged a bucket of liquid nitrogen so that it fell on our chemistry teacher when he opened the door.

He must have found it funny. He completely cracked up!

I used to really want to know how to break into bank safes

It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be

Noone laughed when i fell while skating.

But the ice sure cracked up.

A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient...

Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes.

Heinz sight is not all its cracked up to be.

Have you heard of this Humpty Dumpty guy?

He's not all he's cracked up to be; I heard he had a breakdown or something. His life is in pieces and feels like it's just one big yolk, now.

I tried rock cocaine today.

It wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

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