I got a new tattoo because I wanted my friends to be able to count on me. It read:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."
My first name is Un.
"Twelve thousand, two hundred and fourteen, "twelve thousand, two hundred and fifteen..." my daughter continued as she sat on my shoulders.
I regret telling her she'd always be able to count on me.
- Mom, says the girl, I'm very beautiful right?
\- Yes, the mother replies.
\- So, says the girl, I have to find a man who deserves me, one who earns, at least $ 5,000.
\- The mother: but dear daughter, even if you find two who earn $ 2,500, that's okay, what does it matter to you?
\- So mom, even 5 for $ 1000?
...
My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.
He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”
Last year I blew all my fingers off on the 4th of July
And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.
What did the loyal calculator say to its human?
You can count on me!
A madhouse was to be demolished.
All the interns were to be transported to a new mental asylum. So they loaded a truck with all the patients that reside there, as well as some of the psychiatric staff to maintain the order, but in the middle of the way to the madmen's new home, there was a violent accident that resulted in the cras...
A man owned a sentient calculator
He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...
A Travelling Salesman Whose Car Has Broken
A travelling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse. The farmer says, “You can spend the night but you’ll have to share a room with my daughter.” The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father’s shoulder. “Oh, I don’t mind that,” ex...
Thoughtful Drug dealer.
A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...
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