UPJOKE
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On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

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Both my close friend are absolute bums, but it's great

because I'm an asshole.

A close friend of a doctor, a dentist, and a lawyer dies

At the funeral, the doctor says to his two friends, “Where I come from it is traditional to honor the deceased by placing money on him to take to the grave with his burial.” So the other two agree to do this.

The doctor goes up to the coffin and after paying his last respects, places a $100 b...

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Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get an air conditioner"

"I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor"

"We...

After I lost a close friend, I decided to get into some gardening

Went down to Home Depot, got all the necessary tools, and got to work immediately.
And now that a few months have gone by, I can say with full confidence that no one is going to find that body.

A man goes to the funeral of a close friend

He greets the widow and says “mind if I say a word?”
She replies “please do”
The man clears his throat and says “bargain”
With tears in her eyes, the widow says “thank you, that means a great deal”

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So three close friends pass away and all go to heaven.

The angel welcomes them and shows them around.

At the end of the tour angel tells them:

\- "Since the heaven is huge you guys need car, so that you could easily travel around. So, the criteria for getting the car is like this: - I ask you a question and you give me a honest answer"...

My close friend Elaine went to a party

dressed as an Egg and made out with a guy who was dressed as a Chicken.

A lifelong question was answered that night. It was the chicken.

I’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don’t know y

A 2018 report showed that the vast majority of bankers have no close friends

Apparently they're all loaners

Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...

Having 12 close friends after age 30!

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

I shared my bed with a close friend the other night.

Hopefully she brings it back soon.

My neighbour and I became really close friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

They say people are more likely to kill themselves if a close friend or family has recently committed suicide...

So this year, I'm giving the gift that keeps on giving.

Myself, along with a small group of fellow Chemistry majors have been close friends since our college days.

I guess you could say that we have developed strong bonds.

Speaking from experience, don’t argue with close friends about Bethesda Games.

It’s a terrible reason to fallout for.

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My close friend is a drug dealer and he won't give me any in his stash.

What a lame ass pharmacist. :(

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quick story.. of a joke

I (Richard)was out visiting a friend from the Military, we had been very close and out for a long time, but still very close friends. While I was at his house with him and his wife, she said the following. " Some people and I were talking about nicknames and that some of them don't really make sens...

What do you call a group of close friends doing cocaine in an airplane?

UNITED AIR-LINES

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Back in high school I made friends with this girl that had lost her legs. I never understood why people didn't talk to her. Since I was a close friend, she had invited me to a party with other girls without legs.

That place was crawling with pussy.

In honor of, and with apologies to, Tony Bennett

Two close friends, Sam Frank and Frank Sam, pass away on the same day. Frank Sam, having led a good life, went to heaven and played a harp in the celestial choir. Sam Frank, having led a somewhat less noble life, wound up in hell running a disco. Frank Sam really missed his old friend and asked perm...

As we were leaving the cemetery we saw a man kneeling at a grave site.

He was crying and saying "Why did you have to die?" over and over. We decided to see if we could help out in some way, so I asked him if this was the grave of a close friend or of a family member?

He said "Neither, it's my wife's first husband."

I need jokes!!!

I come here needing all of your help!!!

I have a close friend who recently discovered he has cancer. He has been down in the dumps the last few days, so i cracked a cancer joke and it instantly made his day. I told him i will have a cancer joke everyday for him.

So i need you all t...

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There was a tragic birth defect that affected a young couples' first born child.

The doctor looked at the new parents and said. "Your baby is healthy, but he was born without eyelids. The parents were shocked and the new mother started to weep.

"Is there anything that can be done to fix this?" She asked, choking on her tears.

The doctor thought a moment when an ...

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What Hangs Down and has a Tiny Penis?

Funny enough, my mother was the one who told me this joke. First, you call someone (preferably a close friend). Then you ask them the question "What hangs down and has a tiny penis?" then you strategically wait for their response. If they don't answer correctly with "a bat" then say "The answer is a...

Drinking and driving

I would like to share my experience with drinking and driving.

As most of you are aware, some of us have been known to have had close encounters with the authorities on our way home from the nights out drinking and socializing.

So a couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks wit...

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Two Assholes

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back ...

There were two fleas...

...who were close friends. They often got together to discuss philosophy, science and whether or not life exists on other dogs.

Computer problems

I had a close friend who was tragically killed by an axe murderer. Strangely, I recently received a friend request from him on Facebook... I think he’s been hacked

A rich man needs a blood transfusion

A rich man goes to the doctor and the doctor says he needs a blood transfusion. So the rich man goes to work the next day and tells his Jewish employee & close friend the news. Since they have been very close friends for a long time, the Jewish guy offers him some of his own blood.

Right ...

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A Jewish man Sent his son on a trip to Israel

When his son returned, it was brought up that, while on the trip, he had converted to Christianity. Distraught, the Jewish man went to a close friend of his and explained the situation.

The other man replied, "Well that's strange, I too sent my son to Israel a Jew, and he too came back a Chr...

King Arthur has set on his noble mission to drive away the barbarians

Before he left , he called his close friend,Sir Lancelot.

"My bride Guinevere is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to u...

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As I get older many of my buddies are now getting married. As I am still single loads of people keep telling how my friends and friendships will change once they get married...

So far I disagree with this sentiment, I am still close friends with all of my buddies, even after they’ve been married for years and years.



But I can say without a doubt that my friends really do change as soon as they become Dads, they immediately become real motherfuckers!

The Superbowl ticket

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes his seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field!


About halfway through the first quarter Bob...

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How come your husband always come back early from work?

A woman asked her close friend. “My husband is always very late. And because of it, we rarely get to spend some good time together”.

“Its so easy”. Her friend replied. “I told him that I will have sex everyday at 5 pm. It doesn’t matter you are home or not”.

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(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member o...

I've had 3 wives over the course of my life.

My first wife, I married in Vegas. We were both drunk and the marriage didn't even last a day. I never saw her again.



My second wife was my best friend of many years, and our marriage lasted 5 more. Eventually, we decided that marriage wasn't for us, and we were fine just being friend...

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A Catholic Irishman is on his deathbed.

He calls for his son, and tells him "My boy, go fetch the Anglican Pastor, I wish to convert before I die". His son is shocked! The father has been one of the most prominent Catholics in the community, he made large donations to the Church every year, attended Mass every day, and was close friends w...

Recently I got divorced

Last week was my birthday, my wife and kids forgot to wish me, my parents forgot as well, I did not get any calls from friends or family, my co-workers didn't even look at me. I was very depressed. Then my boss came and wished me "HAPPY BIRTHDAY", I was overjoyed. She took me to dinner, we talked fo...

Can you explain this strange adoption joke?

A close friend of mine who is my eldest daughter's godmother just posted a very strange joke that references adoption. There must be something to this joke that I am completely missing. Thirty people have gone wild over this and I don't get it. My friend can't possibly be saying something offensive ...

The invitation

a man named Bob suffered from severe paranoia, it only got worse ever since the city he lived in got its first covid case.

Bob spent hours each day sanitizing his clothes and scrubbing himself to protect him from the virus.

One day Bob got a call from a very close friend of his. He w...

Norse God

I'm hosting a "Norse God" themed fancy dress party for a few close friends.
It'll be a low-key event.

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