UPJOKE

Catching Up Jokes

Finally got out of jail. Less than 10 minutes after gettin home, me and the wife jumped straight into bed to do some serious catching up....

Wife: "hey.... erm.... ya know..... I... I've been with other men ya know?"

Me: "Ohhhh, ok. Well same here, turn over"

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”


“Chemo, s...

China may be catching up to the US economically...

...but they definitely won’t outweigh us.

3 Instruments are Catching Up

School is back in for the fall and 3 instruments are sharing their musical journey through the Summer.

The saxophone says, "I got to go to New Orleans and play with a real jazz band."

The guitar says, "I went to Mexico and played music so beautiful that the audience threw roses on the ...

Internet Explorer is so slow in catching up that...

Microsoft Edge had to go back in time to tell Internet Explorer that it has been replaced

Two guys are catching up at a bar

Guy 1: My wife's been really distant lately, we hardly talk, and we never seem to be home at the same time...

Guy 2: Yeah that's generally how divorces work.

Pretend you're in a jungle, what do you do if a tiger is chasing you and catching up to you?

Stop pretending.

Two old friends are catching up for the first time in a few months.

Dave: How's those memory pills you're on Bill, are they working?

Bill: They're fantastic mate, couldn't be happier. I'm remembering old faces, recalling old times, I'm very happy.

Dave: Hmm, what are they called, I might have to get some for myself.

Bill: Oh, umm, gee, what's th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chauncey and Edgar catching up....

Chauncey and Edgar were very old friends who had not seen each other for a while and they wanted to catch up. Edgar invited Chauncey over for lunch. "We're getting on in years" Chauncey said. "Do you still get out much like we used to?" "Not like the old times" replied Edgar. "But I still man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long, but original] Two brothers are catching up over a drink...

The older brother Dave is successful, hard-working and married with a family, a dog and a cat. The younger brother Mike is a real nice guy, but he's kind of a fuck-up. Having been too busy to catch up for weeks, they decide to meet up at the local bar.

Dave says, "Man, I'm sorry we haven't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two British army generals are catching up in the mess hall after years of not seeing one another during WWII.

“So Reginald, how you been my old mate?”

“Oh good good. Survived some close calls but can’t complain. How’s the ol’ wife Montgomery?”

“She’s well. Doing well.”

“And Manfred? You see him much?”

“Yep he’s fine. Lost most of his hearing in the battle at Vimy, but bless hi...

I was catching up with an old friend.

When I thought, "This guy is faster than he looks."

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

The cost of happiness

Tim and Steve were catching up at their 30th college reunion. After the initial frenzy of catching up settled down, Tim could tell that Steve was a bit down in the dumps, so he starts digging. Steve admits that aren't as perfect as they may look from the outside.

Tim says, "But Stev...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old and crusty retired Army Master Sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar [mildly NSFW]

...when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him.

"May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.

She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So t...

"There were a load of vowels chasing me home. I checked behind me and they were catching up on me, and they looked really angry, like they wanted to hurt me. I didn't know what to do, dad," said my son.

I said, "OK...Summarize..."


He said, "Yeah, but not many."

And repeat

...A man lost in the forest finds an old man living in a plane

He asks the old man for help. The old man then tells him "You're in luck! It took me 40 years, but I figured out how to get this plane back in the air."

Then suddenly, the old man fell to the ground and passed.

The m...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.