A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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Sailor Cant Take It

So a couple of sailors were sitting around the ship's mess hall trading stories of their most adventurous sexual encounters. Trading stories back and fourth they realized that Jim hadn't said anything at all. So Jim's shipmates ask him to tell them a really juicy sex story. Jim replied " I don't...

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Young sex

A 25 year old is at a bar with a coworker. He’s telling stories a out all the crazy shit his girlfriend wants to do in bed, that she wants it day and night and wont take no for an answer. The coworker replies”i mean thats gotta be pretty awesome”. The man replies dude you have no idea. It was ...

You know the majority of folks down south hate left leaning politicians and it finally hit me as to why.....

They watch nascar drivers lean left 500 times every Sunday and just cant take anymore left in their life.

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A man begins to hear a voice in his head,

quiet, but insistent, it repeats urgently, "Sell your house, take all your money, go to Las Vegas." The man ignores it at first, he sees a therapist, does yoga and eats kale, but nothing stops the voice from repeating the same sentence, "Sell your house, take all your money, go to Las Vegas."
...

Three stages of tiredness

Drunk squirrel: when your so tired you slur words and just ramble on and can't walk straight

Squirrel on Cocain and Caffeine: when your brain knows you wanna stay up to it just gives you a burt of energy and power making the very ground you shake walk

Dead squirrel: when you cant take ...

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "Ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?" The husband replied "A long time ago, a man was burie...

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What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke?

Your Dad cant take a joke.

Vote Trump 2016

We havent had a presidential assassination in a long time.






Note: Its a joke guys, on /r/jokes. Dont take it seriously :)

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A man took a job on an oil rig in the desert.

He was settling in well but after a couple of weeks felt the normal urge every man has and went to talk to his supervisor.

"I really like the job boss but I need some female company"

The boss replies "That's easy Joe, see those Camels over there, when your off your shift feel free to u...

A cowboy is riding his horse in the desert...

next to them his dog is running along. Suddenly the dog says:"I'm so hot right now. I cant take it anymore". The surprised cowboy looked at the dog and said: "Wow!I didn't know dogs could talk". Then suddenly the horse says: "Neither did I!!"

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One day the grim reaper came to a man and said "your time has come"

the man begged and plead so the grim reaper gave him another year to live.
after the year was over the reaper returned but the man was in an airplane. he once again said "your time has come". the man said "you cant take me now. what about all these innocent people. they dont deserve to die". <...

A woman walks in to the vets with her dead parrot...

'Please help me there's something wrong with my parrot' she tells him.
The vet takes one look at says 'i believe he's dead.'
The woman refuses to believe it and demands that he does something so the vet says 'Okay mam i'll go and get my magic labrador'. The vet then returns to the room with th...

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Sixty Nine

Jack is about to have sex with Jill but both of them are a bit inexperienced. Jill had gone on the internet earlier and looked up some new positions for them to try. She suggests to Jack that they should try 69
Jack tells her that he has no idea about this position so Jill explains to him that sh...

Blonde & Brunette go to a movie

they're watching the movie and there's a part of the movie where it looks like the guy is going to jump off a cliff and die.
The blone turns to the brunette and says "I bet you $100 he doesnt jump" the brunette agrees.
Sure enough, the guy jumps and dies. As they're leaving the movie, th...

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Three construction workers were having lunch on a high rise..

The first worker opens up his lunchbox and says, are you kidding me? Another bologna sandwich! Every day its bologna! If I get another bologna sandwich i'm going to jump off this high rise! The second worker opens his lunch box and says, yeah i'm with you man I cant take anymore of this! The third w...

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So, this 85 year old prostitute walks into a bar...

and says "Narnender, Narnender, give me a Nartini with a nerry on top". To which the bartender obliges.

About 10 mins later she burst out even louder, "Narnender, Narnender, give me another Nartini with a nerry on top"! He just gives her a look and does so without a word.

This time abo...

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